SMASHIE: Fab-Four-tastic, that was the uh, Beatles... er - I like The Beatles, don't you? - er, with: 'Eight Days A Week'.

NICEY: There's only seven days in the week, mate.

SMASHIE: Right... thanks mate.

NICEY: Don't mention it.

SMASHIE: But ah, I think you'll find that what The Beatles - I love The Beatles, don't you? - were saying...

NICEY: I don't care what The Beatles - I love The Beatles, don't you? - were saying, mate. There's only seven days in the week, never longer, never shorter. It's the law.

NICEY: Right. Starts on a Monday, goes through to a Sunday, with a Wednesday, Friday type stuff in the middle and the weekend at the end.

SMASHIE: I love the weekend, don't you?

NICEY: Me too mate!

SMASHIE: (nerdy machine gun laugh) Right. Well, one thing I do know is that, er, today is Tuesday, which is quite literally… Tuesday.

NICEY: I love Tuesdays, don't you mate?

SMASHIE: Certainly do mate, it's one of the best between Monday and Wednesday type days we've got.

NICEY: It's the only between Monday and Wednesday type day we've got, mate. It may not have the glamour and excitement of a Saturday night or the mournfulness of a Monday morn. But it's our Tuesday, the good old fashioned, honest to goodness, down to earth, great British Tuesday. And if those Eurocrats bureaucrats and other bonkers-trats try and take our Tuesday away from us THEY'LL HAVE TO GET PAST ME FIRST! And if they think I'm going to start my show by saying 'bonjourno doodle doo' and 'gutenmorgenmongous', they've got another think coming.

SMASHIE: I don't think they are gonna do that, mate.

NICEY: Right, but if they did it certainly would be a garlicmongous intrusion to make.

SMASHIE: It would be frogadabbadobulously bonkers, mate. Because ah, what makes a nation is not it's borders or it's monetary system. No. It's it's radio stations such as Radio Fab FM and the people who work therein. Such as you Nicey, you are what makes Britain great.

NICEY: Thanks mate!

(Nicey gestures to Smashie to make similar compliment)

NICEY: And so are you mate!

SMASHIE: Because er, this European business really is getting out of hand. I mean, now we got all these daft countries a-making themselves up and are wanting to be part of Europe. And ah, I can't keep track of them.

NICEY: Well there's ruromania, Czechoslavia, Hungaslavia, Mongoslavia, Omsk, Tomsk, Tobermory, Orinoco, Bulgaria.

SMASHIE: What ever did happen to The Wombles, mate?

NICEY: Good point, one certainly worth making. What happened to the Wombles. Well I'll tell you. There they were, underground over-ground a-wombling free, and then, no more, they were, were they, not here... where they were... type stuff...

SMASHIE: Wombling wise words, mate.

NICEY: Thanks mate.

SMASHIE: I love the Wombles, er, they really were great in a sort of 'short programme before the news' type way.

NICEY: They certainly were, mate.

SMASHIE: And ah, I think we've all got a little bit of the Womble in us haven't we, and I'll bet you've got a bit of the womble in you, ain'tcha Nicey?

NICEY: Well er, I do know the Pet Shop Boys, if that's what you mean.

SMASHIE: Not really no, er. Er, in fact, think it's time I was making a move because I'm taking over from Pip Schofield tonight in Joseph's Coat. So this is me, Mike 'no stranger to charity' Smash saying: arrivederci doodle doo.

NICEY: Auf Wiedersehen, Pet! Alright all you Europrats, listen to me. My name is Davenport Nice, I'm a-standing… Yes - Davenport. I'm a-standing firm for Britain, for her Tuesdays, for her Wombles, for a Bachman, for a Turner and most of all for a noble Overdrive. You ain't seen nothing yet, Euro Poppers - Let us rock!

music: You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet - Bachman Turner Overdrive

(off air)

SMASHIE: Nicey?

NICEY: Mate?

SMASHIE: Do you really know the Pet Shop Boys?

NICEY: I know the quiet one mate...