Back 06.15.2002 Your One Liners "OH SHIT!!" Malfoy screamed, as the pudding hit him in the back of the head. Malfoy picked up the spoon nearest him, and flung whatever was in it back towards the Gryffindor table, hitting Harry squarely in the face. The was a simoultanious scream of "FOOD FIGHT!!" as everyone at the Gryffindor and Slytherin tables began to throw food across the hall, much to the dismay of the teachers.--submitted to be partnered with one of Honoria's one liners by Argenteus Draco "What kind of stupid fish can't swim?" Ron looked suspiciously at the basketball "I don't love rock and roll, gosh-darn it!" Neville screamed. "Gando Chutar!" Draco screamed. "Did he just say Salad Shooter?" Crabbe asked Goyle. "Gando Cutar means stupid ass in Punjabi." Parvati explained to the puzzled Gryffindor table. "I think Crabbe just validated his point." --submitted by Dragonessa Smith "A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries!"--submitted by C. McCarthy Snape shook his head. "Remus, you know nothing about the Dark Arts. Your "girlfriend" is a kitsune: a life-stealing, shapeshifting, Japanese ninetailed fox demon!" "I think you're just jealous," said Lupin cooly. "I got my mind set on you, I got my mind set on you..." Ron blinked. "Hermione, what the heck is that?!" "I believe it's 'I Got My Mind Set on You' by George Harrison." "No, I mean, what the heck is THAT?!" said Ron as he pointed at Snape, who was still singing. "I'm not sure," sighed Hermione, "but at least he knows the words."--submitted by Cessi ~"You did what? How could you? We must have lost millions of points!" "Hermione, April fools!" "Kicking Mrs. Noris? Where is your brain, Neville?" "APRIL FOOLS!" "I'll go look then!" Hermione stormed off with a huff. ~"Ain't nothin' but a mistake..." Snape sang on amidst the worried looks the Slytherins were giving him, the common room smelled of chocolate liquours, and Snapes eyes were very bloodshot. ~"Never in all my days! Explain!" Remus said, mimicing McGonagle for Sirius and Harry, "I thought you hated dogs! You told me you despised dogs! To witch I replied, 'Yes of course, but this is no dog, she gasped and fainted promptly, it wasn't a dog, it was a crup!" ~"Oh, Harry, why did you do that to me, I love you, oh Harry?!?" Draco cruned;to witch Harry promptly kicked him and ran for it. ~"Ah, Lemon Pepper, yuck! I'll take my own advice!" Dumbledor sighed after getting a parsol full of Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans, "Never touch the multicolored ones, it's just not healthy!" ~Ginny ran in screaming her head off like a maniac, "Whats up with her, her red eyes and green hair look nice if you ask me." Fred said smirking to George, "I agree brother, very much, but we better start digging our graves before mum gets home, I forgot how to undo it!"--all these submitted by Lilly Black Ron looked at Hermione as she finished reading out the final paragraph of Hogwarts: A History. 'What do you think?' she asked. 'Now do you think it's a good book?' Ron just shrugged. 'What's for dinner?'--submitted by Violet "What's wrong?" Harry asked Professor Lupin as he walked into the classroom. Lupin was staring straight ahead with a pained look on his face. "Well... Are you sure you want to know?" "Yes." "Last night... I... I... I'm so ashamed!" "What is it?!" Harry asked desperately, unable to bear the suspense. "I got drunk and sold my soul to Severus for a bottlecap."--submitted by Marie "So," Snape asked. "Who's up for a game of 'Spin the Bottle'?"--submitted by Zephyr "Professor Dumbledore! Sorry to interrupt you, sir, but Flitwick's gone postal!"--submitted by Zephyr Harry inwardly cursed as practically all of the student body at Hogwart's snickered at him while he walked down the hallway. "Damn that Neville, did he really have to spill that potion on me?" Harry thought, and sadly entered his next class. His life had been a living hell ever since the breasts had grown on his forehead.--submitted by Lisa Draco was rooted to the spot, blushing horribly and staring at the Howler. How could things get worse? But there, just like rubbing salt in the wound, was Lavender and Parvati, smirks on their faces. They circled Draco like vultures, watching and waiting. "Well,well, well," said Parvati, "Isn't this embarrassing?" "Yeah," spoke up Lavender, "Your-mom-catching-you-making-out-with-the-cute-guy-next-door embarrassing." "It's all like asking-the-sales-person-where-the-bras-are-located embarrassing," Parvati added, nodding wisely. "I...don't think I expirienced any of those, girls," Draco replied, cocking his eye brow st the both of them, which caused Lavender to fly into a fit of giggles, snorting like an idiot all the while.--submitted by Meghan~Jinx Ron stared wide-eyed at the raunchy magazine in the muggle Seven-Eleven store. But, he soon realized, to his horror, Mrs. Weasley was standing behind him and looking over his shoulder. Before Ron could utter a word, Mrs. Weasley said stiffly, "Well, she never gave birth to seven children, did she?!" Harry ran down the halls, screaming and waving his arms, until he was stopped abruptly by Snape. "What's wrong with you?" he asked. Harry looked up at him with fearful, glazed eyes. "Two words," Harry replied. "Dancing eggplants." "WORMTAIL!!!!!" Voldemort shouted as he pulled the sheets to his bed a bit higher. "WORMTAIL!!!!!!" Peter Pettigrew, better known as Wormtail, came skidding into the room, looking pale and scared. Voldemort struck him with a venemous stare that would have frozen the blood of the bravest of men. Very softly, Voldemort whispered, "Where's by beddy-by?"--all these submitted by Marie For days there had been flowers taped around the Gryffindor common room, and no one was sure who the culprit was. There weren't many suspects. Professor Sprout, maybe, but how would she get in? She was leader of Hufflepuff, and wouldn't know the password. Neville? No, he wouldn't be able to reach the high rafters, and besides if he had gotten himself a step ladder or the like, they would have found him crumpled up in a bloody mess somewhere, bones broken from a nasty fall. No one was sure who to blame, but really, it was started to get annoying. And this was how Ron liked it. If he was going to be cheery and wonderful, he would rather it be in secret. He finished the last of the flowers, and went back to watch his Richard Simmons' tapes. "Don't you feel like a pony when you sweat?!?!" Hermione had been looking strangely at Harry for sometime, and it was starting to irk him. Finally, after days of this torture, he broke down. "HERMIONE, what are looking at!!!" he screamed. "Um...well..." she answered. "But it seems as..oh, I don't know...Are you growing boobs?" "So what do you feel like doing tonight?" Ron asked looking up at Harry. He was sitting on the floor reading "Quidditch Through The Ages". Harry was laying on his bed. "I don't know," Harry said. "Maybe we can rustle up Hermione--" Harry stopped short then. His eyes widened and he started to roll around on the bed and scream. Then, his fit stopped just as suddenly as it came. He looked up and nodded his head, as if to some music. Ron was perplexed. "What the hell was that?" Harry paused for a moment, and then said casually..."Face cramp".--these three submitted by Lisa "Potter!!" Snape growled, approaching the desk Harry was working at. Harry gulped and looked up at him. "Yes, Professor?" he asked innocently. "How do you get your whites so impeccibly spotless?" Malfoy jumped on top of his desk and shouted to the entire potions class, "Slimfast helped me drop six dress sizes, and I feel great!" Snape raised his eyebrows and looked at his desk. Harry thought he heard Snape indistinctly mutter, "Slimfast does work wonders... worked for me..." Harry struggled to no avail to keep his hearty laughter under control. Snape just looked so hilarious, bearing down on Neville in a fluffy pink bunny suit. Everyone stared at Snape as he stood uncomfortably and solitary in the middle of the hallway. He had done the one thing that nobody expected, the unthinkable. Absolutely sincerely, he had used the word "cute." "Alright, that's it!" Snape shouted. "So far in the past month, I've been thrown off the astronomy tower, trampled by a herd of mad unicorns, mawled by one of Hagrid's pets, God know what it was, pushed into the warpath of the Whomping Willow, and to top it all off, accidentally castrated by one of Longbottom's many spells that have gone awry! Now, do you want to push your luck any further?!?!" Harry and Ron glanced sideways at each other as Snape panted angrily before them, ready to beat them to death with their cauldrons, then slowly and silently resumed work on their potions.--all these submitted by Marie It was the last day of term, and all the teachers were gathered in The Hogs Head for some drinks and good times. Severus looked strangely at Minerva, and blushed. "Minerva, what are you having?" he asked, not looking her in the face. She leaned over the table, and gave him a long passionate kiss. After a few moments, she sat down, and calmly said, "Twins."--submitted by Laura Harry groggily opened his eyes. His head was pounding. The remnants of the vodka bottle were soggy against his pillow, and in his desperation to find his glasses, he had also knocked over the gin. Not wanting to waste it, he licked it off the floor. "I payed ten knuts for that damn bottle...I should at least get my money's worth," he thought as he lapped whiskey off the floor like a kitten. He turned around, and saw a figure lying next to him in bed. He noticed that the figure was wearing his shirt, and nothing else. He grabbed this sleeping stranger by the shoulder and was horrified to find Professor Trelawney. "Well, sweetie..." she purred. "It never said what a great lover you were in my tea leaves." "Listen Minerva..." Severus hesitantly stated. "We need to talk." "Yes, Severus?" the Professor calmly answered. "Well...I feel really bad telling you this, but...Dumbledore found my stash." "Your stash?" Minerva asked warily. "Yes. All the cocaine. And...well...I kind of said it was yours. So um...Albus wants to see you in his office...pronto."--both these submitted by Lisa "My heart belongs to the bacon master!" Harry shouted as he jumped atop Snape's desk and did a pirouette, then spanked himself.--submitted by Marie "You know, I really liked you a lot better when you were a singing turnip." said Ron to Harry, as they left Transfiguration class. Harry mumbled "shut up" in reply, and Hermione just sighed and shook her head at the two of them. "Hey! Elvis had greasy hair too!" said Snape indignantly. "Ohhh you can make him funny, or you can make him sunny, he's Mr. Potato heeaaaaaaddddd!!!" sang Fred and George as they jumped on top of the poker table. Ron looked at Harry, then back to his cards. "Got any three's?" "Nope. Go fish." "Damn." "I'm mad, you're mad, we're all mad here!" Hermione stared. "Crookshanks?!" Hermione and her mother walked into the Weasley household, the music of the party booming loudly. "Now, which one here is Ron again?" her mother asked smiling. Just then, a boy with flaming red hair ran into view, his hands waving wildly over his head. "I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM! I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM!!!" He then ran into the other room. "Erm, that's Ron." said Hermione. There was a moments pause. "Oh." -- all these submitted by Blynk Snape cocked his head in a very confused sort of way. "Croissant?" he inquired, scratching his head. Harry slowly backed, keeping his eyes on Snape. "Are you feeling... all right, Professor Snape?" he asked timidly. Snape smiled and nodded fervently, then exclaimed, "Croissant!" Draco swallowed hard as he and Harry watched Snape lick himself. “I think... I think I might have added a tad too much armadillo bile to that...” “Croissant!” Snape insisted, nudging Draco’s hand affectionately with his nose, searching for food or a treat of some kind. And so the entire population of Hogwarts looked on as Snape hurled himself off the edge of a cliff, laughing madly.... Ron pulled off the helmet of "The Greatest Desires Simulator" and sighed happily as he watched Neville dance around, trying to get his Superman underwear away from Snape, who was dancing and whooping happily upon the staff table. "Wow, Hermione, that Cheering Charm really did the trick," Harry stated as he tipped his head sideways in shock. Hermione merely sighed, admiring her handiwork.-- both these submitted by Marie "What have I done?" cried Hermione as Snape danced down the hall. "I think...I think you got Snape drunk...somehow..." Ron replied.--submitted by Pink Pearl "Oh, mellow out, Minerva. Here, have a flower," said Snape as he handed a bright pink daisy to Professor McGonagall, who was quite confused.--submitted by Cessi Severus Snape groggily opened his eyes to see a figure moving about the room. "Where am I?" he asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He was aching all over, but he couldn't remember what caused it. "Why, you're in the Gryffindor girl's dormitory, lover," Hermione answered as she pulled her shirt on.--submitted by Marie Severus Snape opened the door, and Minerva stared. "What are you doing, Severus?" Mud all over his face, Severus smiled. "Exfoliating, Minerva, why do you ask?"--submitted by Martha "And for heaven's sake!" hissed Hermione, leaning over Draco's pale, crumpled body. "Stop humming the Monday Night Football theme, Ron! He's really out cold!"--submitted by Meghan~Jinx "Don't say a word," Ron growled as he went past his chuckling friends. His muddy clothes dripped as he scurried back. The bucking broom settled down and came back into the common room window.--submitted by EF Malfoy Someone must say: "You know, you aren't as stupid as you look, act and sound."--submitted by Hazel "What I don't understand," whispered Ron to Hermione, "is why the mushroom village always runs after you."--submitted by Jocetta "If you don't like me when I'm angry, you'll hate me when I'm bored," she told Ron. "What are you doing here?" Ron snapped. "I am here under order of the Mom," replied Fred. --both submitted by Star "Where is he? Where's the creep that turned me into a spider eating manbitch?" Ron shouted, storming into the room and tearing it apart madly, causing Harry and Hermione to look on in shock. "And soon Keanu Reeves and the Fat Lady ran away together, living happily every after" Harry said while rolling his eyes, waiting for the portrait door to swing open. "I wear the cheese, it does not wear me." Neville stated simply, placing the cheese slice on his head. "You remember, you fail Transfiguration, you flunk out of school, you end up being The guy at The Three Broom sticks that sweeps the floor and says, 'Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?' We've been through this, Ron!" Hermione said bossily, grabbing Ron and pulling him into the library. "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?" the young girl asked, clutching Hermione's hand and leading her away from a sniggering Harry and Ron. "Uh, you know I meant to, and then I just got really busy." Hermione said awkwardly, jerking her hand away, and practically running over to her friends. "Let me answer that question with a head butt." Ginny grunted, smacking her head against Cho's with a loud crack. --- all these submitted by Linzy "I think the phrase 'what the hell?' sums up this situation quite nicely..." Harry mumbled as he watched a shrieking Hermione chase after Ron with a battered frying pan. Ginny nodded in fervent agreement.--submitted by Cobra Girl. "Well, I guess you're never too old to learn a new way of being stupid," muttered Hermione, as she watched Ron run around the common room singing, "I Should've Never Let You Go". "If we're pawns in the chess game of life, does that mean our sole purpose in life is to desperately try to climb across a barren landscape only eventually to be traded for a better piece?"mused Harry, as he placed a bishop three squares away from Ron's king. "Checkmate!" "Sure," Ron said sarcastically. "What would be more fun then watching Neville casting inhuman illusory soul fusion magic?" Hermione glanced at him shrewdly before saying, "So, you're saying you'll be glad to help me stop him." --all these submitted by Careide.