Guard (1x03)
by The Inimitable Pooh_Bah
Original Air Date: 11 September 2000
(THE WOODS)
(HARSH REALM)
(IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THE BLOODBATH KNOWN AS "MORNING")
Anthony and Jules dashed through the woods, holding hands and giggling and acting altogether too schmaltzy for Florence's descriptive capabilities. Having been neglected in the last episode, they were obliged to make an important discovery--and discover they did!
Jules stopped suddenly and pointed. "Tony! Look!" she whispered to her beloved.
Anthony looked. "Get down!" he hissed to Jules, hitting the ground and pulling her with him. He cautiously lifted his head above the foliage they hid behind, and his lips moved quickly as he counted. "Damn!" he muttered. "Republican Guard! Camped out right here! It's a miracle they didn't hear Isaac crying!"
They backed carefully away, keeping an eye on the Guard.
(MEANWHILE...)
(BACK AT CAMP)
Megan had regained some of her composure after her Pinocchio clone's untimely demise, and was beginning to think of more practical matters. Like food. "Are we ever going to have breakfast?" she wondered.
"No food," Pinocchio reminded her. "Unless somebody brought something."
Everybody shook their heads sheepishly.
Pinocchio rolled his eyes and sighed.
Just then, Jules and Tony came tearing into camp.
"Republican Guard!" Anthony informed his comrades. "They've got us outnumbered, two to one!"
"I counted sixty of them," Jules piped up.
Anthony looked at her. "Yes. There's thirty of us, Sweet Bird."
Jules smiled sadly and shook her head.
"There were twenty-seven," The Chaos Factor corrected. "And there's only twenty now."
"We're outnumbered three to one," Hunter provided the new statistics.
"Did they see you?" Pinocchio demanded. "Are they coming this way?"
Anthony and Jules shook their heads on both counts.
A grin spread across Pinocchio's face. "Then we can surprise 'em."
"Pinocchio!" Pooh_Bah scolded. "What are you thinking?"
The mercenary turned to look at his daughter. "Duh. Surprise 'em, kill 'em, take their vehicles and supplies, get to Santiago City in a fraction of the time it'd take to walk, and without starving in the mean time."
"We're talking," Pooh_Bah argued, "twenty people--mostly untrained civilians--trying to take out sixty Republican Guard! We're talking heavy casualties! We're talking almost zero chance of success!"
Pinocchio opened his mouth to argue back, but was interrupted by a gunshot. Everyone dove for cover and whipped out their weapons of choice.
The Republican Guard that Tony and Jules had spotted poured into the clearing (It wouldn't have been much of an episode if they hadn't found our heroes, would it?) and everything went to hell.
To make a long story short because Pooh_Bah isn't any good at writing battle scenes, the Republican Guard was eventually defeated and killed.
Florence blinked. Pooh_Bah wasn't good with battle scenes? She turned around and glared at the girl.
Pooh_Bah smirked--she'd taken advantage of the confusion of battle to regain control of the story--and held her blackjack ready in case of attack.
Florence snorted in disgust, then went around the camp to take stock of casualties.
Hobbes followed behind, scribbling madly in his journal as he watched Florence minister to the injured:
"Gepetto--bullet in knee--healed by Florence.
"Markus--head bumped when diving for cover, has amnesia--mistook Florence for Inga, tried to strangle her. Was cured when Pooh_Bah smacked him upside the head with her blackjack. Florence is mad at her.
"The Inimitable Pooh_Bah--bruises from previous fight with Florence, will have a new bruise where Florence just slapped her. Slapped Florence back twice as hard, Florence socked her. Florence refuses to heal this one--good thing she didn't get shot in the battle.
"Azar Suerte--leg broken, shoulder dislocated, hair burned off, face cut, three bullets in chest, giving off electric shock to anyone who touches her. Says it was a freak accident that she can't remember the details of. Healed by Florence--even the hair.
"Chance Harper--physically uninjured, but experiencing great angst over his luck injuring Azar and killing Angelo. Florence wrote in the dirt that he should get a grip on himself.
"Markus--a little rattled, but otherwise okay.
"Hunter--scrapes and bruises. Healed.
"Anthony--cut during knife fight with Guard. Healed.
"Jules--stomped on by Guard, which prompted Tony's knife fight. Healed."
"The Chaos Factor--sprained wrist weilding Ianthe's katana without proper training. Healed.
"Fred--finger cramped from shooting so many Guard with piercing gun, general distress over amaresu's apparent decapitation. Healed.
"Megan--uninjured.
"Pinocchio--physically unhurt, and quite himself. Anxious to go back to the Guard's camp and take their stuff."
"Krycek--arms nearly ripped off for hitting on Florence when she checked for injuries. Dismemberment prevented by Pinocchio."
Hobbes jogged after Florence as she marched briskly away from Krycek. Pinocchio followed at a leisurely pace. Krycek gave a few Russian-language catcalls after them, though exactly who they were intended for was not clear.
Pinocchio gathered everyone together, and they set off through the woods toward the Republican Guard's camp, led by Anthony and Jules.
Pooh_Bah lagged behind a little, since she didn't particularly care for crowds. Pinocchio, suspicious of the opportunity that gave Alex, dispatched Hobbes to walk with her.
The girl scowled at the Lieutenant as he jogged toward her from the front of the group and fell into step beside her.
Hobbes made an attempt at small talk. "So, um, Lisa . . . "
"Pooh_Bah to you."
"Pooh_Bah. You're writing this, aren't you?"
"Yeah. Stole it back from Florence."
"So who died in this episode? I didn't make a list of who was with us, so I can't look and see who's not here any more . . . "
"The Chaos Factor," Pooh_Bah recited dryly, "decapitated amaresu accidentally when he swung at a Republican Guard's neck without proper training in the handling of his dead Pooh_Bah clone's katana. Angelo the Pinocchio clone died in that freak accident that beat Azar up and didn't touch Chance. Ladyhawke and Li Ann Tsei were shot by the Guard because I was too lazy to come up with something more creative."
"I thought you weren't allowed to kill Li Ann," Hobbes piped up.
"You wanna die instead?" Pooh_Bah asked. Hobbes shut up promptly, so she felt like being nice and explaining: "The Chaos Factor said I could kill her off, if she didn't get involved with him in this episode. So I did."
"That makes four deaths." Hobbes eyed Pooh_Bah suspiciously.
"Yup," Pooh_Bah agreed.
"You only killed four people?" he verified, distrust plain in his voice.
"Sixty-four. But the Guard don't count toward my limit."
"So if you only killed those four . . . then what happened to Carla Jane?"
"I'm not telling. She might be dead, or she might not be dead. Of course, you're meant to think she is, only to discover later that--" Pooh_Bah cut herself off, and fell into a demure silence.
Hobbes frowned. "So she's not dead?
"Did I say that?" Pooh_Bah demanded.
"Well, you would have said so if she was, and I know she was on the No-Kill list. So you've got one more death allowed in this episode."
Pooh_Bah didn't reply. She just trudged along silently.
Hobbes sighed, and began mentally composing a letter to Sophie.
From farther up in the line, three groans of disgust sounded as Pinocchio and the two remaining clones heard Hobbes' sappy words in their heads and wished they didn't have a sixth sense for hearing mental monologues.
A pearl ear-piercing stud flew through the air and struck Hobbes square in the middle of his chest. With one last schmaltzy thought for his beloved, he crumpled to the ground and rezzed out.
"Hey!" Pinocchio yelled from up near the front of the group. "I had him watching my daughter, Clone Number Six!"
"Yeah?" Fred yelled back defiantly as he backtracked to walk at Pooh_Bah's side. "Well I just took the job over! How do you like that, huh?"
Pinocchio glared at Fred over his shoulder. "If I find any new holes on my daughter, Clone Number Six, you're going be seeing Hobbes again real, real soon. . . . "
Fred gave one last menacing snarl at the original Pinocchio, then walked on beside Pooh_Bah in silence.
[ END EPISODE 3 ]