Facilis est Descensus Averno (1x09)
by Carla Jane
Original Air Date: 28 September 2000
(HELICOPTER)
(ABOVE SANTIAGO CITY)
(HARSH REALM)
Geppetto was trying to keep the copter on an even keel but it didn't help that she kept having to toss nervous glances over her shoulder. "Throw the bomb." She shouted yet again at Mayhem. "Out the door. At the bad guys."
The instruction earned yet another exasperated huff of air from Mayhem. He hung on to the compact bit of destruction for another two breaths, just to piss her off, then tossed it carelessly at the ground below. "You're just no fun lately." He winced as it became obvious where that particular device was going to impact.
"Ladyhawke's immortal, right? Too bad about her hair though, ouch."
"Jerk!" Geppetto was tempted to strain the PG rating but her attention was quickly occupied by the shock wave coming up from below. "This is not a game!"
"Oh please." He toyed with another of his homemade bombs. "That's exactly what it is. The fact that I understand that is why I can manipulate the game so well." Mayhem argued. "Why do you think I'm still here when all the rest of the casualties are elsewhere?"
"A continuity error on Alison's part?"
Mayhem glared and Geppetto banked the copter suddenly so he was forced to drop the thing he'd been about to toss in her direction. It bounced out the door.
(HOLDING BARRACKS)
(THE REAL WORLD)
If the mood in the barracks had been grim when The Chaos Factor first arrived, it was positively vicious now. Even Jules & Anthony J and Lance & Ianthe had given up snogging temporarily to settle down amid the gathering on one side of the expansive room. Only Li Ann seemed undisturbed by what was going on. She had dozed off on command from her author.
Carla Jane had been leaning by one of the barred windows whispering to someone on the outside for going on an hour now. Her voice had dipped, coaxed and grown hard with anger at several points but it had never raised enough for anyone else to hear what she was saying. At one point Miguel and Fred, two of the Pinocchio clones had attempted to close the distance and get a look at who the woman was talking to. CJ's impressive glower had returned both the men to their bunks before they got anywhere near the barred window.
"You go find out what she's up to." The Chaos Factor suggested to Anthony J. "She likes your goatee."
"No way. My precious cuddle-dumpling isn't going to do it." Jules laid a possessive arm around her lover's shoulders. "That woman is a black widow." Her eyes swept over the gathered company. "Let Mikey do it." She pointed to Megan's rather quiet clone Michael. "Mikey hasn't had a chance to do anything important."
Blue eyes blinked in surprise and Michael sat up straight. He frowned in puzzlement, poked at his own chest and muttered. "You mean I'm not invisible? I could've sworn I was considering that no one seems to notice I'm ever here."
"Maybe I could talk to her." amaresu offered. She's been nice to me ever since I started writing that Hobbes/Krycek story.
Markus' face crunched up. He was never going to understand women if he lived to be five years old. "Hobbes and Krycek. Ick." His attention shifted to where Tom was standing. "You're gonna catch something nasty from him."
"IT'S A DEAL!" Carla Jane's shout startled them all.
Chance turned his head too quickly, bashed Azar's nose, since she'd been leaning right up against him, making her flinch backwards with a yelp of pain which made Angelo jump to his feet. Unfortunately, he had forgotten he was sitting on the bottom bunk. His head cracked into the upper bunk where Hunter had perched herself rather precariously on the edge of the mattress. The tiny blonde toppled down and landed right in Isaac's arms provoking Tamales into pinching him brutally, since she'd grown rather possessive of him during their long stay in the barracks. Isaac dropped Hunter into a heap on the floor.
Hunter let out a wail of protest at the treatment, drawing Carla Jane's attention. "Bunch of brats. I aughta spank the lot of you." If the threat put a hopeful little smile on one or two faces, Carla Jane's actions dashed their expectations. She stalked across the room, shoving Hobbes out of the way and glaring at Isaac and Tamales so they flinched away.
Hunter found herself lifted to her feet at a rather dizzying speed.
"What the heck are you up to, Carla Jane? Who were you talking to? What's the deal?" The Chaos Factor demanded, made bold by the company's distress. It was a mistake. Carla Jane closed the distance between them, loomed over him using her four-inch height advantage like a club and stared right into his eyes. The staring contest went on long enough for complete silence to fall over the room and for The Chaos Factor to start sweating.
"Boo!" Carla Jane immediately broke into gales of laughter at how badly that single syllable unnerved him. When she sobered up, CJ whirled around, returned to Hunter's side and caught hold of the shorter woman. Hunter was dragged into a kiss that even made Anthony J blush, which was no easy feat. They broke apart with a gasp. "Come on, Gorgeous. We're out of here. I've arranged for alternate entertainment."
Right on cue the door to their prison opened, revealing Inga Fossa and a pair of heavily armed soldiers.
"Ta-ta, my children. I'll come back for you when my pretty Russian and I finish the job we promised to do." Carla Jane headed to the door with Hunter in tow.
"BUT HUNTER!" Tom Hobbes cried out. "I thought you were Pinocchio's friend."
"I am." The blonde tossed back over her shoulder. "Not to worry. I'm sure CJ knows what she's doing."
The door slammed once more, ending any further discussion.
(SANTIAGO CITY)
(HARSH REALM)
"A-hole!" Pinocchio screamed up at the unsteady helicopter above them as Ladyhawke rezzed out again.
The Inimitable Pooh_Bah threw herself against the remains of the wall her father was sheltering behind. "She'll be back."
"Where and when? We need her here and now damnit!" He complained, attempting to search out a clear entrance to their objective. "Ali, can you get us through that wall over there?" He pointed.
"Child's play."
The four women and Pinocchio tossed down a quick line of fire to cover their actions and then sprinted for the well-constructed wall that Mike had indicated. A few flips of her wrist and they were inside. Ali D closed the hole immediately and a muffled hush fell over them. They could barely hear the havoc that Mayhem was wreaking outside.
"I'd suggest we try to blend in but I think that's a lost cause." Megan chuckled, glancing about. Their battle stained gear definitely looked out of place in the poshly decorated hallway. "Which way."
"Up." The Inimitable Pooh_Bah reasoned. "Villains always want to lord over everyone from the top floor. It's an accepted fact of fan-fiction."
"This from the humour writer." Ali D commented. "Although your serious stuff is quite impressive. I thought maybe your age would limit you but you seemed to have overcome that handicap quite well lately. Have you been poking in areas you shouldn't have on the net?"
"Well, I'm not as young as when I started this, you know. HRfic has been quite an education."
"LADIES." Pinocchio snarled.
"Ooops, the story. Sorry." Ali D's manner flattened back out to a more respectable 'mercenary at large' type expression. "Carry on."
"Remind me to strangle The Chaos Factor if he's still alive when we get out of this mess, Florence. Round robins and third wall stories make my head hurt."
Pinocchio's request was met with a curt nod. The healer then jerked her gun barrel, motioning everyone back into action.
They made their way to a staircase and for a rather boring ten minutes they just climbed stairs and grumbled at each other… so I won't bother describing that. Sue me if you don't like it. True to classic form, the door at the very top was locked and guarded since it was the portal to Santiago's inner sanctum.
"Can you do that trick of your's without shaking the whole building so they know we're coming?" The Inimitable Pooh_Bah asked Ali D in a hushed tone.
"No, but I could hack the lock. It's electronic." Ali D pulled out a little bundle of wires that connected a key card to a small palm pilot. "As soon as you hear the click we've got to yank the door open quick and take out the guard or he'll shout a warning." She advised.
"Let me, this time." Megan offered.
Pinocchio eyed her speculatively. "Can you reach that high?"
"Watch the short jokes." Pooh_Bah protested. "Mr only-five-foot-ten-much-to-our-surprise."
And while yet another round of bickering took place, Ali D popped open the door, Florence lunged through it, a quick movement later the guard vanished in a sparkle of light. At which point Megan cursed and complained that she wasn't getting any good parts in this damned story. But you know, it's the quiet one's you have to watch.
Spreading out just a bit and keeping their attention in five different directions, they made their way down the hallway. At each doorway they would stop look inside. The petting zoo they found behind the second door was certainly a surprise. At least that's what Pinocchio told Pooh_Bah it was when she asked why it was that Santiago had a flock of sheep and two small donkeys. Florence had rolled her eyes but, of course, didn't comment. The exercise room was also a bit odd, featuring a rather large tub full of peeled grapes and green jell-o. The bar reeked of cigar smoke and none of them knew why there was a large, recently killed grizzly bear lying in the middle of the floor. Other doors revealed only empty offices, conference rooms and such.
"I don't understand." The Inimitable Pooh_Bah complained softly. "Surely they can't all be downstairs fighting or else why place a guard."
The last door revealed a room more impressive than all the others put together. The desk was a monstrosity of dark wood. Republic flags hung all about. A huge map of the former United States decorated one wall. It's was marked with pins, symbols and strangely enough quite a number of games of 'hangman', all of which had been lost if the graphic depiction of stick figure corpses were any indication.
"Santiago's plans." Ali D pushed past the others and into the room so she could get a closer look at the map. "If I'm reading this right he's planning on conquering all America within the next two years...except for Arizona." She pointed. "But that's understandable. No sane person would want to go there."
With a few nervous hesitations the others all joined her inside. When Florence pulled the door shut behind them the bottom fell out of their world. With no warning the floor under their feet vanished. Furniture, decorations, and people plunged down what had to be at least three levels.
Florence who had attempted to keep her grip on the doorknob was the last to tumble into the depths. Unfortunately the flagpole that had been standing right next to the portal had preceded her. She had time to feel a shuddering burst of pain and look up at the smeared material that still clung to the pointed pole poking through her chest before she vanished in a burst of static.
The groans of our heroes were overpowered by a grunt of exertion. Santiago himself stepped forward, straddled Ali D and brought a massive sword down on her throat. "Take that you immortal pain in the ass." He expounded.
"NO!" Megan shouted a moment too late. "Damn you, you careless monster." Her voice was weak with pain. "Can't you even be bothered reading the cast list? You just beheaded the wrong woman."
The General frowned as his soldiers stepped in to disarm and cuff the damaged, weakened rebels. "Rule number one. I don't make mistakes." His chin lifted haughtily. "Rule number two. If you think I've made a mistake, refer to rule number one."
Santiago's toadies all murmured about the wisdom of their leaders proclamation and decided that 'yes, indeed, that must have been the immortal that he'd slain'.
"Fine, fine." The General cut them off impatiently. "You know the routine. Chain them up in the basement. Separate cells, make sure there's plenty of roaches, grope and leer at the women as you haul them down there and make sure you beat Pinocchio to bloody pulp along the way. He hasn't has his butt kicked in hours and it's putting the story behind schedule." Santiago tossed away the sword he'd been holding. "Damn, I could use a beer. Did someone tape the game for me?"
"What about the helicopter, Sir?" A young officer asked. "That rocket launcher took it down, but we didn't find the pilot or the bomber."
"Damn." He paused in the doorway, scratching absently at his crotch. It was time to delouse the sheep again. "All right. Take the skinny teenage one." His finger flicked at Pooh_Bah. "Display her up on the wall and announce if they don't turn themselves in we'll hang her dawn."
"But what if the copter crew is dead, Sir?"
"Then we've nothing to worry about, do we?" Santiago snapped and walked out, shouting once more for a beer and some cigars while the nameless extras began to roughly drag our three remaining, badly wounded heroes to their rather unsteady feet.
(MILITARY PRISON)
(GOVERNMENT HOUSE)
Megan sat cross-legged on her bunk and kept a wary eye on the floor for creepy-crawlies. Her throat was scratchy from calling out to Pinocchio, without success. One of her ankles was badly twisted from the fall. Her behind was sore from all the SOB soldiers pinching it on the way down to this hellhole. Her hair was a mess and she was going to need three hours in a bathtub to get rid of the smell of sweat and smoke clinging to her. Last of all she could feel the threat of a cold tickling inside her head. She wasn't having any fun. Maybe she should have snuffed herself in the chapter she wrote. Being dead had to be more comfortable than this.
Hearing the lock tumbling open, Megan knew she leap up and attack whoever was coming to torment her now but she just couldn't be bothered. When no evil laughter or gleeful taunting came after a moment Megan slowly lifted her eyes to the door. Perhaps Ladyhawke had conveniently re-materialised inside the prison.
"Krycek." Megan's shoulders slumped once more. "Aren't you supposed to be trapped in a basement somewhere?"
"I can escape missile silos, figure out consortium car bombs, and deal with alien rebels...but you expected a wooden door and an old farmhouse to contain me. Oh please." He lounged in the doorway, looking annoyingly smug and wearing fresh, clean clothes.
Megan's nose wrinkled and she considered suggesting his bad luck with foreign prison camps but it seemed like too much work. "So what do you want, traitor?"
"Well, Pooh_Bah's rather out of easy reach right now… being bait in a trap makes her the centre of a lot of attention… and Pinocchio's in a really pissy mood since the guards stomped him like a bug… so I thought why not turn my attentions on someone who might actually appreciate them for a change." The Russian came into the dank room and crossed over to kneel by the bunk Megan sat on. "I've had my eye on you for a long time but the time never seemed right."
"Oh really?" Megan considered the odds. He was seven inches taller than her, had muscles on his arms that she might not be able to reach around, and was well rested and fed by the looks of things.
Alexei's smile was dazzling even the dim light. "I've been in contact with the outside. I could make things so much more pleasant for you, my lovely Goddess." The back of his fingers traced down her cheek. "The team is scattered. The game is ruined beyond all repair. Chose survival, moi Megan." He coaxed in a brandy smooth voice. "I can take car of your every whim, beautiful one, wrap you in the luxury a woman of your exquisite grace deserves."
"I want a bath."
"A bubble bath, oils, a massage. Anything." He offered. "I'll wash your back, paint your delicate little toenails for you, pamper you, lovely angel."
"Something to eat, nothing canned."
"Truffles. French cuisine. Champagne poured into belly button and shared from my tongue to your's."
"Can you save Pooh_Bah?" She pushed. "And Pinocchio." Megan softened against his touch, leaning into it. "Can you find Geppetto and Mayhem?"
"Let's get you cleaned up and fed." Alexei evaded the question, scooping the small woman up in his arms; he pulled her tight to his chest.
Tired, Megan let herself melt into the embrace as he carried her out of the cell.
[TO BE CONTINUED...]