Are We Having Fun Yet? (1x11)
by The Fred
Original Air Date: 11 October 2000
(HOLDING BARRACKS)
(THE REAL WORLD)
It was nighttime in the small room that the 'dead' were sentenced to go to. Or at least the lights were off, so everyone assumed it was night. All was quiet except for the scratch of pen on paper. Suddenly a thud came, followed by a crack and yell of pain.
Jules unwound herself from Anthony and pulled out a lighter. The flame was set all the way to the + side and was thus about four inches high. This provided plenty of light to see by.
It took all of two seconds to find out what had made the noise. It was a brick.
"What happened?" TCF asked, quickly taking control of the situation, not that there was much of one.
"A brick fell out of the ceiling and hit me," Hobbes answered. "I think my hand is broken."
Jules moved the flame up towards the ceiling and, sure enough, a brick had fallen out. Unfortunately, there appeared to be just more brick behind it.
"Let me get this straight, a brick fell out of the ceiling and broke your hand. Not just any hand, but your writing hand?" Ali D, the new arrival, asked with some skepticism. After all, things like that only happened to Chance or Azar.
"Yeah."
Florence came forward and attempted to Heal him. It didn't work. Everyone looked at her in confusion.
"Ladyhawke is the healer now," Markus reminded them.
"So Hobbes' hand is broken for the foreseeable future?" Anthony asked.
"No more writing those letters," Fred was quick to point out.
"Spiff!" amaresu cried out.
(ELSEWHERE IN THE REAL WORLD)
The-Man-In-Charge (a.k.a. Bernie) looked at Inga. "We have security video of you releasing the two women. Carla Jane and Hunter, I believe their names are. Would you care to explain this?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." Those who didn't know Inga would assume that she was a cold as ever. Bernie, however, had worked with her for years. He could see her beginning to crack.
"I'm truly sorry then." With that a team of men came in and did many things that can not be described here due to the PG rating.
(JUST OUTSIDE SANTIAGO'S OFFICE)
(GOVERNMENT HOUSE)
(HARSH REALM)
Pinocchio, Megan, Ladyhawke, and Mayhem crouched outside the door listening to the conversation. "What are we going to do?" Megan asked.
Pinocchio opened his mouth to answer, but the sound of a gun cocking stopped him from answering.
"Stand up and put your hands up," said a familiar Russian voice. "Open the door, Megan."
Megan opened the door and they all walked in, Alexei behind them. Carla Jane looked up then smiled triumphantly at Santiago.
"See I told you he would come through for us."
Santiago gave a short nod then waved at the soldiers standing around the room. "Disarm them. Make sure to suitably grope the women and make rude suggestions in their ears."
The soldiers obeyed. Suddenly the soldiers around Mayhem jumped back, one of them minus a thumb. Others quickly came over and beat him into submission--a process that took about twenty minutes. During this time, several soldiers lost various body parts to his teeth and a number received broken limbs.
Santiago silently lamented the fact that he wouldn't be able to see the rest of "The Young and the Restless," but cheered up when he remembered that he'd taped "Days of Our Lives" earlier due to a conflict of schedule. Stupid war meetings always got in the way of his soaps.
Carla thought about the quickest way to get Hunter out of her gear and into the nearest bed/cot/car/floor space.
Hunter thought about the same, only with Carla Jane.
Pooh_Bah silently thought about how much the ropes hurt and it was a darn good thing she had been able to loosen them or else the rope burn would've been around forever.
Pinocchio thought about his dislocated shoulder.
Geppetto worried about Mayhem and how she could kill the Guards around them.
Mayhem didn't think about much of anything.
Ladyhawke wondered if she was going to die--again.
Krycek thought about how difficult it would be to get Pooh_Bah, Carla Jane, Hunter, Ladyhawke, Mayhem, and Pinocchio all in bed with him at the same time. He figured that Pooh_Bah would be the only complication.
Once Mayhem had been subdued, the Guard went off to have there wounds seen to and find replacements. Santiago stood up and walked over to Krycek, "Thank you for your services. You will be paid the agreed-upon price."
"Sure, sure. Let's make a deal, though. You keep your money and I'll just take Pooh_Bah. You're going to kill her anyway, so there shouldn't be too much of a problem, should there?"
"No, I don't believe so. Take her."
Krycek walked over to Pooh_Bah and untied her, making sure to have a firm grip on her arm and to keep a gun at her back.
(HOLDING BARRACKS)
(THE REAL WORLD)
The group was bored beyond belief. They'd managed to get painkillers for Hobbes, so he was out in a drug- induced sleep. Several minutes ago, they had started trying to answer the hard questions in life that seemed to make no sense. Miguel had just finished explaining to everyone why hot dogs come in packages of eight and hot dog buns come in packages of twelve.
"That makes a lot of sense," Lance said.
"Yeah, it does," Tamales declared from her place on Isaac's lap. "Next question."
"How about the meaning of life?" The Chaos Factor asked.
"42," Fred and amaresu replied together.
"What!?" Anthony and Jules demanded completely in sync, which wasn't surprising considering that they were never further than five feet from each other. The Chaos Factor suspected that they could read each other's thoughts by now.
"Or Extra Crispy," amaresu said. "Depends on your view point."
(SANTIAGO'S OFFICE)
(GOVERNMENT HOUSE)
(HARSH REALM)
Pooh_Bah looked up at Krycek, testing the theory that if you just looked hatefully at someone long enough and wished them dead, they'd die. It didn't seem to be working.
"What the heck do you think you're doing?" Pinocchio demanded of his on-again-off-again lover.
Just as Alexei was going to come back with some sort of suitably sarcastic and condescending resort, Megan stuck her head through the wall.
"So that's where this glitch goes," she remarked.
The room erupted into chaos as Santiago demanded that the Guards who still hadn't returned capture Megan, Mayhem woke up, and Pooh_Bah slipped out of Krycek's grasp.
Pooh_Bah ran over to the others who had clustered around Megan's head. Ladyhawke reached into her coat and pulled out a number of guns and knives, which she proceeded to pass around.
Pooh_Bah took one gun and a set of throwing knives, one of which she threw at Krycek. He saw it coming, but was only able to partially dodge it, and it hit him in the shoulder. Gunfire took out his kneecap as Pinocchio fired at him for daring to take his daughter anywhere without reforming first. Pooh_Bah took the second knife and threw it at Krycek. This time he was unable to dodge, and it lodged right in his throat.
Carla Jane screamed out in horror.
Megan grabbed Geppetto and pulled her through the glitch. The others got the idea and went through as well. Pinocchio took the rear and was hit going through.
Megan suddenly took a hard left into the darkness, and the others followed. (Who'd have thought that a glitch could have a fork?) They heard the Guards, who had shown up just in time to see them run through the wall, run past.
"Boy, are they in for a surprise," Megan said with a glint in her eyes.
"Why?" Geppetto asked.
"That tunnel of the glitch comes out five stories up on a building. The outside of the building."
Just then they heard the sound of forty soldiers trying to stop, but finding out that inertia had a sick sense of humor and always won in the end.
"Since when does Santiago have a glitch going to his office?" Pinocchio asked.
"I don't know," Megan replied. "Ask Fred."
"Why Fred?" Pinocchio asked with just a hint of fear in his voice.
"He's writing this episode."
"Oh shi--" Pinocchio was never able to finish breaking the PG rating, due to a sudden case of death. It seemed he had bled to death from the wound he took escaping.
"Dad!" Pooh_Bah cried out half-heartedly. After all, she knew he was okay back in the real world. And so was Krycek, she thought dejectedly. She'd been so happy to finally kill him!
Megan turned to Ladyhawke. "Just out of curiosity, where did you hide all those weapons?"
"K-Space. It really is convenient."
"What's K-Space?" Mayhem asked as Ladyhawke leaned down and Healed him.
"Katana-Space. It's where an Immortal keeps their sword. You really think that we can just walk around with these things? An experience Immortal can develop their K-Space to hold other objects, like guns and knives. . . . Now how do we get out of here?"
Megan shook her head and nodded. "Sorry--this way. It goes into the sewers."
(HOLDING BARRACKS)
(THE REAL WORLD)
"I'm telling you that the plural of 'Elvis' should be 'Elvi,'" Jules said.
"And the plural of 'moose' should be 'mooseses,'" amaresu added. "Not only does it sound better than 'moose,' it's less confusing, and it's fun to say. 'Fish' should be 'fishes,' too."
"It's not right having the plural of a word be the word," Miguel agreed. "It doesn't make sense!"
[ END EPISODE 11 ]