Killing Time (1x12)
by The Inimitable Pooh_Bah
Original Air Date: 1 November 2000
(HOLDING BARRACKS)
(THE REAL WORLD)
The groups in the barracks, having determined the meaning of life, revised the English language, derived the formula that had paired twelve-packs of hotdog buns and eight-packs of hotdogs, and hit Hobbes over the head when he woke up, had run out of things to do and were completely, thoroughly, utterly bored. It seemed like forever since anything even remotely interesting had happened.
Fortunately, the tedium was soon relieved when a pair of MPs tossed a knotted duo of Alex and Pinocchio into the room and the lock slid into place behind them with a firm click.
The bolder members of the group stared openly, trying to determine the exact nature of the tangle. After a fist emerged and launched itself back at the knot, Krycek snarled a few insulting-sounding Russian remarks, and Pinocchio growled a profanity-laden assessment of Alex's intentions toward Pooh_Bah, it became clear that this was a case of violence, not of love-making. . . . which wasn't especially surprising, as Pooh_Bah was writing that episode.
(MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE REALM...)
Gepetto, Mayhem, Ladyhawke, Megan and Pooh_Bah stepped out of the glitch, and found themselves in the Santiago City sewer system.
"Phew," Pooh_Bah understated with an incredibly-sarcastic note that could only indicate PMS.
Megan wrinkled her nose, and felt around for another glitch that would lead them out of Santiago City. The stench was just too much.
Mayhem, however, seemed to have bolder ideas. "Where's the nearest manhole?" he wondered.
"Mayhem . . . " Gepetto said warningly.
"Oh! There's one!" And Mayhem headed for it.
"Mayhem, NO!" Gepetto yelled, chasing after him.
"Santiago's probably got guards posted on every manhole in the city!" Ladyhawke cried, also giving chase.
But Mayhem ignored them and climbed up onto the street. He stuck his head back down a moment later. "It's okay. There's nobody there." His eyes lit up and a maniacal grin spread across his face. "And there's a gun shop across the street!" He disappeared again ~ they could hear his footsteps running to the other side of the street above their heads.
"Mayhem, come back!" Gepetto ordered, climbing up after him. Her footsteps went off in the same direction.
"Gepetto's gonna need reinforcements." Ladyhawke headed for the ladder.
A low rumble sounded overhead as Ladyhawke climbed up toward the street, and Megan's eyes widened in horror as she realized what it was. "Ladyhawke! There's a--"
Too late! The Immortal's head was severed by a speeding Mac truck.
"What a way to go," Pooh_Bah remarked. She didn't sound particularly sorry that it had happened.
"Rather curt," Megan analyzed.
Pooh_Bah gave a shrug of teenager-with-PMS apathy. "Someday they'll name the habit of being over-concise after me."
(HOLDING BARRACKS)
(THE REAL WORLD)
"Ninety-three bottles of pop on the wall," sang Isaac (since all Dixie Chicks songs and Swiss yodels had been banned the moment he piped up with a middle C). "Ninety-three bottles of pop. Take one down, pass it around--ninety-two bottles of pop on the wall. Ninety-two bottles of pop on the wall, ninety-two bottles of pop . . . "
Miguel scowled sourly at Isaac from his seat on the next bed. "Shut up, Number Five. You're a disgrace to Pinocchio's DNA."
Isaac made a face at the other clone and continued, louder: "Take one down, pass it around! Ninety-one bottles of--"
With a snarl, Miguel jumped on Isaac, knocking Pooh_Bah's administrative assistant to the floor and exercising his best Pinocchio-style attack moves. Isaac replied with a few Pinocchio moves of his own.
Other group members gathered around the only thing happening in the room (since Pinocchio and Alex had long since quit fighting and begun giving one another the silent treatment), and started placing bets on which of the Pinocchio clones would win.
"You know," reasoned amaresu, "if Pinocchio always gets his butt kicked when he fights, and they're both genetic copies of Pinocchio, then neither of them can win."
"A tie?" asked Fred.
"More of a stalemate," ama replied.
Fred shrugged.
"They'll both lose if I kill them," Pinocchio put in, despite the fact that all his weaponry had been taken from him before he was thrown in the room.
The other Pinocchio clones, quite predictably, put themselves protectively between their tussling brethren and the original.
Pinocchio grumbled under his breath. What in hell did he do to deserve being stuck with all those clones? And it wasn't just the Mike-Pinocchio knockoffs that bothered him. There were two Pooh_Bah clones--one who made him glad that he'd missed his daughter's early teenage years, and one who made him worry about exactly how much his daughter might settle down as she went through her twenties.
The door opened, and Ladyhawke was ushered in. She surveyed the room, spotted the tussling clones, and pushed her way through the crowd to access them and drag Miguel away. "I just got my head severed by a semi," she informed her Pinocchio clone. "I need a neck rub."
With one last venomous glare in Isaac's direction, Miguel placed his hands on the Immortal's neck and set to work.
(MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE REALM...)
"Now look what you've done!" Gepetto scolded Mayhem as she dragged him away from the gun shop and pointed out the impressive puddle of blood on the pavement near the manhole.
"Oh, that's nothing," said Mayhem.
Gepetto cuffed her Pinocchio clone angrily, and he gave her a rather dangerous looking glare in return.
Megan and Pooh_Bah cautiously emerged from the sewer, leaving the manhole open in case a quick escape was needed, and walked over to the other two.
"So," Megan observed, "it's down to the four of us. No helicopter. No backup. No idea where in Santiago City we are. No plan to get out of here. No weapons to speak of. Santiago and all his army after us. . . . We're doomed. All we got going for us is Mayhem."
The Pinocchio clone grinned, happy to be appreciated.
Gepetto nodded gravely. "But it'd be safer to travel in the sewers than to travel above ground."
"Look on the bright side," suggested Pooh_Bah in mock-optimism as they all headed back toward the manhole. "At least it can't get much worse."
Unfortunately, Murphy's Law always finds a way to manifest itself. Too busy gloating over the fact that he was finally given the recognition he deserved, Mayhem neglected to watch where he was going, tripped over the manhole cover, fell down into the sewer, broke his neck, and rezzed out just as the three women peered down the manhole to see if he was alright.
"Well now you've gone and done it," Gepetto grumbled to Pooh_Bah. "Don't you want us to win??"
Pooh_Bah snarled in annoyance, before forcing herself to take a relatively civil tone to say: "Sure I do."
"Then how come you keep killing everybody in your episodes?!? And ou--" Gepetto rezzed out mid-complaint.
"Sorry about that," Pooh_Bah apologized sweetly to the air where Gepetto had stood a moment ago. She climbed back down into the sewers.
Megan followed, keeping a wary eye on the girl. It was just the two of them now. . . . And only one could be the final survivor.
[ END EPISODE 12 ]