[
Some of the jokes]...[Glossary]...[Reader's Contributions]...[Homepage]Handbell Humour
A selection of handbell funnies to ring out smile. Useful for ice-breakers or to simply while away the time (preferably not during rehearsals!). Many of these items poke fun at handbell ringers, but it is hazardous to laugh at others unless we can laugh at ourselves first.
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These jokes and anecdotes have been pilfered with permission from Dr Lionel Hartley's book, "Handbell Humour: 101+ Handbell Jokes", available in paperback free of charge from GratisGift (Pay for postage and handling only). Note, there are MANY more in the book than appear on these pages!
If you have a clean handbell joke you would like to share,
send us an email. If it is sufficiently different from those in the book, we will add it to bottom of this page.Also listed at 
We keep our handbell jokes short...
So that the ringers can understand them.
Someone once said, " A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune."
Well, I hope there's a lot of leaders in the audience today!
Handbell music is better than it sounds.
(Styled after Mark Twain [1835-1910] who said, "Wagner's music is better than it sounds.")
How can you tell if a bellringer is out of tune?
The bell is moving.
"Wake up" said the conductor, "your music is Pericles!"
(This joke will be best understood by those who know William Shakespeare's words from Pericles: "But hark, what music? ... The music of the spheres ... Most heavenly music! It nips me into listening, and thick slumber Hangs upon mine eyes. --)
The bells are ringing...
The bells are ringing...
The bells are ringing wet!
Once upon a time there were two handbell ringers who played in tune.
Well, don't look at me like that, it COULD happen!
A noted comedian was recently flying overseas. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seatmate.
"I've got a great handbell joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am an handbell ringer".
"That's OK. I'll tell the joke really slowly!"
"Doctor, I need psychiatric help! I keep thinking I'm a bell!"
"Take two aspirin and if you're not better in the morning give me a ring."
Advice for handbell ensemble conductors: Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Advice for handbell ringers: Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
What is the difference between a "Battery" and a Bellringer?
A battery has a positive side and is useful for something.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups
Don't feel bad about being a bell ringer because everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
The handbells can be instruments of worship for when they play we sense the Majesty of God and when they stop we sense the Grace of God.
A handbell ringer with no hands joined our ensemble. He held the bell in his mouth and shook his head to make it ring. He looked rather frightening, but I reassured my young son by saying, "Look, I can't remember his name but he's quite 'armless and his face rings a bell!"
What is the dynamic range of a handbell?
Ringing or silent.
A mother and child were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed 'Here lies a good musician and a bellringer.'
The little child read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked 'Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?'
Why has the handbell come to be called a divine instrument?
Because although a human rings it, only God knows why
What's the difference between bellringers and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
How do you make a handbell sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
What's the definition of a dumbell?
Someone who owns his own handbell.
How do you get two handbell ringers to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two handbells playing in perfect unison.
Bell ringers shouldn't take their art so seriously. No one else does.
What's the difference between an handbell and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a handbell.
The Arabian Night's Entertainments (circa 1450) says, "To some people music is like food; to others like medicine; to others like a fan."
I'm too polite to say what your music is like to me!"
What's the difference between a handbell and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why don't bellringers play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the handbell recital.
Why do bell ringers leave a handbell on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
"A handbell is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two or more."
Adapted from the Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce
Why do bellringers smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
Two bellringers were standing on a sinking ship. "Help!" cried the first, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the other, "just fake it."
What is "perfect pitch"?
When you throw a handbell out the window without hitting the sill.
What do you call a handbell ringer with half a brain?
Gifted.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a handbell?
Add vibrato.
"Hey, buddy, how late do the bellringers play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the accompaniment."
Reason given for ringing your bell half a beat behind the accompaniment: "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up."
Some bell ringers are only alive because murder is illegal.
Warning: Rehearsal dates on the calendar are closer than they appear.
A family without bellringers is like a neck without a pain.
Friend to bellringer: " When I heard you play, I had to remind myself that I'm only supposed to judge people on personality."
Bellringers are unique, just like everyone else.
Write the music notation idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
How do you get a bellringer to play softer?
Give him music to read.
If you took all the bellringers in the world and laid them end to end...
It would be a good idea.
If a person is ringing a bell in the forest and no conductor is there to hear him, is he still playing it wrong?
Why is it that 99% of bellringers give the rest a bad name?
Where's a bell's resonance?
Where the ringer's brain should be.
What do you call two bellringers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
If you drop a handbell and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
A music director reluctantly calls a booking agency to engage a handbell ringer. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The director calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last, she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
What's the definition of a real gentleman?
One who knows how to play the handbells, but doesn't.
Please do not copy this page for web distribution, but simply create a link using our URL (in your browser's address bar).
You may print these for sharing, but please give the source as www.oocities.org/hartleyhandbells .
These jokes and anecdotes are taken from Dr Lionel Hartley's book, "Handbell Humour: 101+ Handbell Jokes", available in paperback free of charge from www.oocities.org/gratisgift (Pay for postage and handling only).
A bell is a hollow thing that makes a loud ringing sound when struck or shaken whereas a bell ringer is a hollow thing that makes a loud ringing sound when struck or shaken
Bellringer: a person with delusions of adequacy
Marathon Ringer: Someone with the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age
A mute bellringer is called a humdinger and one that can talk is called a ding-a-ling
A tin bell is called a tinkle and is played by tinklings (Miniature ringers)
To make a mistake in bell ringing is referred to as a clanger
The noise from a Vietnamese bell is "dong" (The basic unit of money in Vietnam is a dong.)
The noise from a smelly bell is "pong"
The noise from a camel's bell is "dung"
A clapper is the only part of a bell that is self-applauding
Dilbert's Rule: Bell ringers can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Belldinger: Someone who practices random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control
Please do not copy this page for web distribution, but simply create a link using our URL (in your browser's address bar).
You may print these for sharing, but please give the source as www.oocities.org/hartleyhandbells .
These jokes and anecdotes are taken from Dr Lionel Hartley's book, "Handbell Humour: 101+ Handbell Jokes", available in paperback free of charge from www.oocities.org/gratisgift (Pay for postage and handling only).
Click HERE to contact us. If it's funny, about bells,
clean, and not listed here, send us your favourite handbell joke.
"This must be music," said he, "of the spears,
For I'm curst* if each note of it doesn't run through one!
--Thomas Moore (1779-1852) - The Fudge Family, 1818
*sic (Obviously thinking about handbells when he wrote it!)
If you have a clean handbell joke you would like to share,
send us an email. If it is sufficiently different from those in the book, we will add it to this section.Rob Frazier writes:
How many handbell conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
No one knows. Nobody ever watches a handbell conductor.
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George M. Roper of Othello, WA writes:
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a handbell?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.
)))?(((
How many handbell ringers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.
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How do you improve the aerodynamics of a handbell ringer's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
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What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead handbell ringer in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
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What does a handbell ringer say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"
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What did the handbell ringer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
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Did you hear about the handbell ringer who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the group didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
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How do you put a twinkle in a handbell ringer's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
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How can you tell when a handbell ringer is at your door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in
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What's the definition of an optimist?
An handbell ringer with a pager.
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How many handbell solo ringers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how Christine Anderson (or name your own favorite solo ringer) would've done it.
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What's the difference between a handbell ringer and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
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What's the difference between a handbell ringer and a macaw?
One is loud, obnoxious and noisy, and the other is a bird.
)))?(((
Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a handbell?
A: Lawnmowers sound better in small ensembles.
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Pages COPYRIGHT (c) 2006 L&R Hartley
Also listed at
If your would like to make a donation to help The Hartley Handbells to continue to provide a free service, please click HERE