Early Morning Recollections
by Haruka Spork Tenou

Two years....
Two fucking years.
I still remember as though it was yesterday.
Those sounds...screams...explosions...
I can't cry anymore.
I stoped crying so long ago.
I need you with me, to hold me and let me feel...
So alone.
Listen to the music, try to drown out the screams, the cries...
I don't want to be here, don't want to be there, don't want to be anywhere.
Need to be somewhere...heh.
Listen to the songs again, again, again!
Let yourself be drawn into their world, don't want to listen to them anymore, can't listen to them any more
Two fucking years of "do I look devastated enough?" "How do you feel?"
I don't own emotion, I rent
Why am I remembering now?
It's fifteen days until it's that day again.
How did I pass the time last year?
no school. No school.
School's out for summer...School's out forever
Dying in America, at the end of the millenium
I'm so alone
Surrounded by the well wishers who just want to hug.
sitting here, thinking back, wondering what might have been....
If I had said I could fall in love with you, Rachel, would we have become friends?
If I had said I thought you were cool, would you have not planted the bomb?
If I had...
If. Again with the if's.
so. So you think you can tell heaven from hell...blue skies from pain
Pain. Now there's a word for you well wishers.
Do you know this pain I have to live with each day of my fucking life?
Shimatta. I speak in other languages, but my pain remains the same.
Me duelo la corazon.
I can't hide this pain all the time...only when I'm around people.
She brings it out, though...I have to remember to thank her for that.
FUCK! Can't these memories be muted?
I don't want to remember that one day..with Ian and Penny....and that guy...quintessential pothead
so baked...
why do I have to keep feeling?
It's so much easier when I'm apathetic...why won't those feelings come back to me?
Why can't I be numb anymore?
All I want is to not feel...to be removed...detached...
I was. I used to be.
She's not here right now. Can I take a message?
Don't want to fucking feel anymore!
Take these emotions and shove them up your ass, I don't want them!
Don't want to relive that day...those eternal minutes...
NO!!!
I won't!
I refuse to relive that day!
No!
no...

Don't make me relive that day...

~Haruka Spork Tenou, April 5, 2001