Chapter I: Loneliness

Last night, I sat on my study chair for an hour, spending time and effort, just to figure out why had I been so disturbed since I came back from HK. I finally caught on to the reason I feel extremely lonely in the Philippines — there's no one who's interested in intellectual discussions resulted in me being unable to express my ideas and thoughts.

Unlike in HK, my friends or people around me in here are either of joy & fun or love affairs. My brain is downsizing and rusting, and I'm plain worried about it. Remember those days in Hong Kong, I always had Henry, Colum, Ah Fung and Ah Hoi (my very intellectual and intelligent friends) to discuss a lot of things with me — from cosmology to religion, from politics to economics, from theology to music — we could never run out of topics. Before I went to sleep, I'd ask my little brother questions that bothered me, and he'd analyze and answer me, and would also tell me anything new that he just discovered. But of course, my father's words have always been the most powerful and influential. Here in the Philippines, only my professors in those political subjects are capable to entertain me.

Henry tells me that he feels like an outcast all the time; Colum says he can't easily find a good friend. Well, I don't find myself jibing with the world too! How many people can understand us... We envied and sometimes got jealous of the beautiful people, and tried to look "good" to fit the trend, the peoples. But we ended up realizing that we could hardly be half as good as others. We talk about things that most people find them nonsense; we seek things that seem unrealistic to most people; we do things that most people would diss; we are indeed three lonely bodies in the planet.

Chapter II: Bible Scriptures

Feeling so emtpy and hungering for stimulations, I picked up my favorite book — the Holy Bible, and began to look for new inspirations. "Man born of woman is of few days and full of trouble. He springs up like a flower and withers away; like a fleeting shadow, he does not endure." <Job 14: 1-2> That's very true, time ticks away. That's why when we're still alive, we should enjoy and cherish every moment we have. In fact, we have a lot of time, but troubles often eat it up and leave us very little happy time.

Another scripture I'd like to share — "If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? If you stumble in safe country, how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordons?" <Jeremiah 12:5> Many people always blame that, (well, I'm one of them~), works and responsibilities are many and too tough, thay's why we're always stressed and blah blah... Now I understand, I'm just a small drop of water in this huge ocean; and my problems are merely itch compared to pain in the sense of sensation. I've got to do more then!

Last, "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." <Proverbs 16:18> My mom always told me that I was proud and arrogant when I small. I didn't notice that before, but now I know :*(, and I feel sorry for myself and all the people I've disappointed and hurt. And I hope (I should promise) I would never be the same again; I'll keep my mouth shut and "stuck-up" chin down. I'll be as humble as my mom is... "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." <James 4: 6>

Chapter III: Courage

Dreams shatter, hopes wither… But the courage of moving forward cannot be defeated.

Injured and alone, I have to hold my breath. Once the air penetrates my wounds, without hesitation, my tears will just spill. I get hurt anywhere, everywhere; but I can only treat my wounds in solitude. My fragility has to be enveloped with the suppression of my sentiments in the crowd. Once I become unnoticed in the color of the night, I automatically let my tears flow. Through the tears I drop, my weakness is shown; through the tears I drop, my wound is cured and I am ready for the new chapter.

In the new chapter, the chance of winning may still be slim, but I still have to give it a try. I may not reach what I aim, but I shall follow where it leads. Without noticing while walking, I have already painted a beautiful journey. My initial failures will contribute to my final victory, I believe, I have to believe.

Am I wrong to be mournful? Am I wrong to feel depressed? Am I wrong to be worried? Am I wrong to feel scared? No, I am not. But I know I am wrong if I immobilize myself with pains and fears. When you are gone, I have to walk alone. When you are gone, I have to stand strong. I have to be stronger, at least, than the last time you saw me.

I may not be the most beautiful person, but I want to be your idol. I may not be the most helpful person, but I want to be your hero. I may not be the strongest, but I must be the most courageous. And this, is my promise.

Henry Ford once said that the hardest thing to do is to think, that's why people avoid thinking or doing things that require them to think. I agree, because I'm one of them... :p

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