Good luck with finals everyone! Maybe if you find yourself needing an hour break from studying, this will help. If you donīt want to hear random Scottish stories, delete this email. And I will say now that I donīt know how to spell all of the names, the dates might be wrong, and Iīve never studied Scottish history, so I could be telling all of these completely incorrectly...but Iīm pretty sure this is how they all go. --Anand

Linlithgow Castle: the site of huge lavish feasts and parties back in the day. During a particularly rowdy one, a candle got knocked over and the whole place went up in flames. Now all thatīs left is the exterior. First castle we saw, but we didnīt stop at it.

Firth of Forth: there didnīt used to be a bridge across the firth, back in the day. So people who wanted to go anywhere north of Edinburgh had to make a huge westward journey just to get around the firth. The peasants wanted to ask for a ferry service, but the ruling king or chieftain at the time was a very mean man, and everyone was afraid of him. But he was "madly and passionately in love with" (this describes how any two people in Scottish stories felt about each other) his queen and would do anything she asked. So the peasants asked her to ask him for a ferry and of course he gave it to them. The two towns on either side of the firth connected by the new service: North and South Queensferry.

William Wallace: the highlanders used to have three sharp objects they carried into battle, not that I know how to spell any of them. The skeen du was a short knife stuck in their boot. The dirk was a longer knife tucked into their belt. The clamor was a double-handed broadsword strapped across the back and was typically about a foot shorter than the personīs height. William Wallace was a giant back in the day, at something like 6'9", so his sword was huge. (When they were getting ready to film Braveheart, they asked if they could use his real clamor and the museum people were like, "sure" but poor Mel Gibson is not that tall, so they ended up making a new sword for him.) They also had small shields called targes that were worn on the forearm. The never-before defeated English army was coming towards Stirling. Stirling Castle stood on the top of one hill. The other hill was called Abbey Craig, and the river Forth wound between them through marshy land. The only way the English army could come would be using a bridge that crossed the river in 3 places. Wallace had his men hide under the bridge. When the English came, they typically sent their amazing cavalry ahead to do the work and then the infantry finished. When the horses were almost over the bridge, the men chopped at the supports with their clamors and made the bridge collapse, sending all of the cavalry with their heavy armor into the marshes. This demoralized the English infantry, who also suddenly found themselves the victims of the Highland Charge, in which the Scottish would run down from a height, gaining massive speed and attacking with all of their knives. The English were beaten. Later on, when Wallace was captured, his death was much more hideous than on Braveheart. He was beaten and racked. They kept administering smelling salts or something so he would stay conscious. They cut out his intestines, roasted them, and fed him to them. They cut off his penis, put it in his mouth, and sewed it shut. They dragged him through the streets behind horses, and then sent four in different directions to pull his limbs out of their sockets. Eventually they cut off all the limbs and dragged his still living, cauterized torso through the streets again. They finally cut off his head, put it on a post, and sent the four limbs to the four corners of England.

The Well of the Seven Heads: Near Eilean Donan castle is the well, which used to be used by the clan Kepach, a subdivision of the clan McDonald. The Kepach chieftain died and his two sons were too young to rule, so they were sent off to France to be educated. In their stead, the 7 village elders ruled. About 10 years later, the two sons came back, ready to rule the clan. The village was overjoyed to see them, and they threw a huge party to welcome them back. In the morning, a maid walked in to find the two sons had been brutally murdered in their beds. Everyone knew that it was the 7 village elders, but by now they had become so powerful that no one could do anything about it. Now back in the day, traveling bards would go around to the different clans bringing news and gossip. One of the most famous bards, Ian Lom, was going around the area and came to the village. He soon heard the whole story of what had happened. So he ran all the way to the Isle of Skye to tell the head of the clan, Donald McDonald, what had happened. He sent some of his men, who marched down to the Kepach clan and found the 7 elders sitting around the well. They ambushed them, killed all the elders, and threw their bodies into the well, taking their heads back to McDonald as proof. No one in the village knew what had happened to the elders and people kept using the well, but they did think the taste was a little odd. Still, every well had its own flavor. It wasnīt until later when there were plans to develop the area, that the well was drained and they found the 7 skeletons in the bottom. The well has since been sealed up and the statue is on top: 7 heads all being gripped by the hair by a knife-wielding hand.

Eilean Donan castle: Eilean Donan castle (first owned by the McKenzies and then given to another clan) sat at the place where three rivers joined and kept watch in case the Vikings ever tried to come and harass the people living in the area. (One of the rivers, Kyle of Lochalsh, opens to the water around Isle of Skye). When the Scottish and English were fighting, other countries came to the aid of the Scottish, including France and Spain. Spain had sent a detachment of soldiers and 250 barrels of gunpowder to Eilean Donan castle. The barrels were all stored in the castle and Spanish soldiers were guarding it while the Scottish were in other parts fighting. One day the English sailed into the area and started attacking the castle. Of course, with its extremely thick walls, the cannonballs had no effect. Still, the Spanish panicked and secretly abandoned the castle. After they noticed that no one had been returning fire in a while, the English landed and took the castle. They loaded as much off the gunpowder onto their ship as they could and detonated the rest, blowing Eilean Donan to bits. Only one wall is original.

The one Scottish lake: There are 826 lochs in Scotland and one lake. Edward I (Edward Longshanks, the bad guy in Braveheart) had forced the Scottish clans to sign an agreement to support him. (The clans agreed to do so because their king had said to go ahead and do it so there wasnīt a problem, but they would still really support him.) Still, the clan McDonald (I think) chieftain thought that he would insult Edward by showing up a day late to the meeting, which was at Inverury Castle. However, he accidentally showed up a day late to Inverary Castle instead. Realizing his mistake, he headed towards the correct castle, but the fierce winter made the going tough and when he arrived, he was 5 days late. Edward was not pleased. Once they got back to their home territory, he told the clan Campbell (who really were on his side) to go and kill those McDonalds. Well, they set out, but because of that winter, by the time they got there, the troops were in really bad shape. Because of Scottish hospitality, which says you have to welcome your worst enemy in his hour of need, the McDonalds took the Campbells into their homes and tended to them for like 2 weeks. The leader sent word back to Edward explaining the Scottish hospitality thing and all that. Edward said that two days later, the leader would have to shoot his gun into the air, at which point all the Campbells would have to get out bed and kill their host families. So he did, and they did, and thatīs what the McDonalds got for their kindness. The body of water named for one of these Campbells is called by the English word "lake" to remind everyone of their treachery, and whenever you say the name Campbell, you have to spit. (Kenny assured us that the Campbells who make the soup are from a different part of the clan that was not involved, so itīs still ok to buy their food.)

Saucy Mary: the hostel we stayed at for two nights in Kyleakin on Isle of Skye was named Saucy Maryīs. Iīm really not sure I have this story right, but anyway. The area used to be controlled by the Vikings, led by King Haakon. His queen was Mary. She strung a rope across the waterway dividing Skye from the Scottish mainland and charged a toll for the sailors to sail their boats through the channel. Once they paid they toll, she would remove the rope and allow them to pass. She also would stand at the window of her castle and as the ship passed, she would lift her shirt and show her bare breasts to the sailors. Thatīs how she got the nickname Saucy Mary.

Sligachan: the river divides the two mountain ranges of Skye and the territories of the McDonalds and the McLeods. There was a huge rivalry between the two clans (and actually there was a skirmish between them after Culloden Moor, which was probably the real last battle fought on British soil). After a string of revenge beatings, the two chieftains got together and decided they needed to come up with a way to unite the two clans. They decided that the young chieftain-to-be of the McLeods would marry Erin McDonald, who mas the most beautiful girl in either clan. They sent the two of them off to France for a week to see if they would hit it off and the two fell "madly and passionately in love". So they call all the men, women, and children of the two clans together from all over Scotland to come to the wedding. Tragically, one day, Erin was walking on one of the mountains on the McDonald side, full of loose scree, and she slipped and fell and tumbled down the mountain, scratching her face up horribly. She had a huge wound that developed a hideous scab on it. She of course could not get married looking like this, so she rode towards the McLeod house to tell her fiancé. He, meanwhile, had been telling all the gathered McLeods about how amazing his new fiancée was, how beautiful and graceful and all this. Then he saw her coming on her horse, her head veiled, and he called out to everyone to come meet her. The whole household ran up to welcome her and he pulled her off her horse and lifted her veil. But when he saw her face he was totally stunned. Before she could explain what had happened, he concluded that the McDonalds had purposely done that to her to spite him, and he declared that there would be war between the two clans, and because he was chieftain-to-be, it was law. So the two sides gathered all their men together on the two sides of the Sligachan. The armies were all arrayed and were on the point of starting what would have been the biggest battle ever on Skye. Erin, not knowing what to do, but wanting to stop the war, ran to the river and dipped her face into it. When she pulled it out, she found that it had been miraculously healed. She ran to her fiancé and showed him. He immediately stopped the war and instead Skye had the biggest wedding celebration ever, and ever since then the two clans have been allies.

Giantīs Teardrops: The Black Death or something came to Scotland and killed many of the people there, including the girlfriend/wife of Scotlandīs giant, named Sion or something like that. When she died, he sat on top of their mountain and cried so much that it became the little waterfall running down the rocks. Nearby is a large standing stone that apparently is one of his teardrops that became petrified.

Carbisdale Castle: this Duke marries. Everything went well enough for a while. Then she started having an affair, and a little while later, her husband dies in a weird hunting accident. A few weeks later, she remarries. The whole process repeats...twice. However, from her marriages, she controlled everything nearby, and all the policemen and judges and all that lived on her land. Eventually they actually try her and find her guilty. She goes to jail. Her family, to make it up to her for having to be in jail with peasants, builds her Carbisdale Castle. Much much later, a wealthy but eccentric guy buys it and lives in it. Eventually leaves it to the Youth Hostelling Association. All of his extensive art collection is on display and can never be sold to a museum (though they commonly borrow pieces).

Culloden Moor: site of the last battle ever fought on British soil (not technically, but thatīs ok). Bonny Prince Charlie had arrived from France to be the king of the Scots. Well, they all accepted that, but he didnīt really know how to lead (nor did he know Gaelic or English), so the chieftains said theyīd take care of it for him. They succeeded in driving the English out of Scotland, but since Bonny Prince Charlie (BPC from now on) had some kind of claim to the English throne as well, he ordered them to keep going and drive the English out of England as well! (According to Kenny, BPCīs family still has more right to the throne than does the current one, which is actually from Germany and took the name Windsor after the castle). The Scots got all the way to Darby, 125 km from London. They were homesick, starving, and upset because all this time, BPC was entertaining himself with lavish feasts, drugs, and hookers. So they turned and headed back to Scotland. Of course, the English followed. By now, BPC had gotten it into his head that they had succeeded as much as they had because of his military brilliance. He decided to take control, and chose Culloden Moor as the last stand of the Scots against the pursuing English. The chieftains knew better and pleaded with him not to pick Culloden Moor, but his mind was made up. The problem was that the Moor was completely flat with many prickly gorse and heather bushes, whose spines were so sharp that the Picts used to use them to tattoo themselves. The terrain was completely unsuited to the Highland Charge, the Scotsī traditional battle tactic. Now, the English were being led by the Duke of Cumberland, a young but extremely capable graduate of the English version of West Point. His army was camped in Elgin, 14 miles from the moor. The 15th of April was his 21st birthday and he had a huge feast, feeding every single person in the English army, from the generals to the stable boys. BPC decided that his army would turn around and march to Elgin, catching the English by surprise. But the weather was horrible (of course): freezing cold, rain, and wind. Instead of getting to the English camp at 3:00 AM to surprise them in their beds, the Scots arrived near 6:30 AM, when everyone was just getting up after a great meal and a good nightīs sleep. The starving Scots were ordered to *run* the 14 miles back to the moor to escape. In the cold weather, only 3/4 of the starving Scots made it back, the victims of the circumstances being mostly the older (i.e. experienced) leaders. In the moor, the soldiers tried to form up but even by 10:00 AM when the English arrived and started the battle, they werenīt ready and had no plan. The battle lasted only about 17 minutes and the Scottish were wiped out, representatives from all the clans of Scotland being killed. The Duke of Cumberland decided to teach the Scots a lesson and sent his soldiers around stabbing all the bodies on the field. Then they invaded the Scottish field hospital and killed all the wounded there. He sent the English marching through Scotland, burning, raping, and pillaging. Many soldiers deserted for not wanting to comply with such atrocities, and they were killed. The entire city of Barrick, an international shipping center, was completely destroyed and all its inhabitants killed. Today the Duke of Cumberland is still celebrated as a national hero in England. The cool thing was that we visited the moor on April 16, the anniversary of the 1746 battle. After that battle, speaking Gaelic, wearing the kilt, and playing bagpipes were all punishable by death in Scotland. The Highland Clearings also began, where the Scottish were rounded up, taken to Glasgow, and put on boats to form colonies in the United States, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa. Apparently there are 50 million people in the world of Scottish descent and only 5.1 million are in Scotland itself.

Leskin House: Passed this on the shores of Loch Ness. The opposite shore from our road of course. Apparently this most haunted house in the world is so off limits that cabbies will drop you off 3 miles away from it. Alastair something, a very famous occult leader, used to live there and performed the most complicated and difficult black magic spell ever, releasing all the demons of Hell, including the Devil himself, on the world. Other notable figures that lived there include Aldous Huxley (Brave New World) and Jimmy Page. Apparently during one party, the whole house went crazy, objects flying, doors closing and locking people in rooms. A little girl died from fear. Jimmy Page ran outside of the house and through the clouds saw a single shaft of light emerge and strike the ground near the house. That gave him the inspiration to write Stairway to Heaven. The windows of the house are always dark, no matter how much light there is around.

The Stone of Destiny: A long time ago, a meteor of black, basalt-like rock fell onto the Earth. It was treated as a sacred object; in the Bible, someone in the desert used it as a pillow. The Stone was taken all around the world. At the same time, the chief of the clans of Ireland married an Egyptian princess named Escocia (the name for Scotland in Spanish, by the way). The clans moved to the landmass of Scotland and he renamed the Scots in honor of his wife. The Stone was with them at the time, and it was placed in Scone Palace, a priory of monks near Perth. It was placed underneath the throne and proclaimed that from that time forward, all the kings of Scotland would be crowned while seated on top of the Stone, now called the Stone of Destiny. Later, (in the time of William Wallace) King Edward I, Edward Longshanks, decided to steal the Stone just to be mean and because the English deserved the honor of being crowned on the thing more than the Scottish. So he made for Scone Palace. The monks living there heard about it in time and decided to hide the Stone under the palace. They took another stone (the lid of their cesspot, made of sandstone) and put it in the Stoneīs place. Edward came, found the fake Stone, and took it back to Westminster Abbey, where it was renamed the Coronation Stone. In 1952, two history students in Scotland were drunk (of course) and decided to go and steal the Stone back. So they went all the way to Westminster Abbey in London, sneaked in, and stole the Stone back. They took it to Scotland and ran into a bar bragging and drinking. While dancing with it on top of a table, the table tipped and the Stone fell and broke. Meanwhile, the English (and international papers) were scrambling to cover the story. MI-5 was dispatched to investigate, and they concluded that it was the work of a band of Scottish nationalists, but no groups confessed. Eventually they were at the point of declaring amnesty for the guilty as long as they brought the Stone back. Luckily, the father of one of the students was a mason and he helped them out by gluing it back together, but it needed reinforcing with a lead pipe. As a joke, the students put inside the pipe one of the most nationalist pieces of Scottish literature ever, the Declaration of Arbroath, which states in part, "for, as long as but a hundred of us [Scottish] remain alive, never will we on any conditions be brought under English rule. It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom -- for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself." They even left the fake Stone on the steps of Arbroath monastery to be found, but MI-5 did not find the document. The Stone was taken back to Westminster Abbey, where Queen Elizabeth was shortly afterwards crowned, seated atop a cesspot lid containing the most anti-English document ever. In 1996, Prime Minister John Major was seeking reelection and, to get Scottish support, gave the Stone to Edinburgh. Perth, the third largest city in Scotland, was angry that it went there instead of Scone Palace, so they didnīt vote for him. Edinburgh resented the anger of the Perth citizens towards them...they didnīt ask for the Stone to be given to them, so they didnīt vote for Major either. Other Scots said, hey, England took the thing in the first place, so this was no big favor, so they didnīt vote for him. And history students knew that the real Stone had never left Scotland in the first place, so they didnīt vote for him either. Consequence: Major did not get reelected. The real Stone was hidden on the Isle of Iona (where the Scottish kings are buried) for a long time with the help of the Sinclair family, better known as the Knights Templar. When too many people found out where it was, they came and hid it again somewhere else in Scotland. It will emerge once Scots gain their independence from England.

Last story: So "Inverness" means "town at the mouth of the river Ness" and "ben" is "mountain". Well, the early inhabitants of Scotland named many of the mountains after what they thought they looked like. Also, if the mountain was very useful or pretty, it got a good name. But if the mountain was inconvenient or ugly, it got a bad name. Prince Charles liked to hunt around a castle he had in Scotland in a certain mountain range. One of his favorite mountains was Scurnan Cach. He later wrote a book of poems and stories and memoirs and wanted to name it The Old Man of Scurnan Cach. Luckily he had a Scottish friend or two who dissuaded him. The mountain used to be situated between one village and its water supply, the inhabitants having to cross it every time they needed water. Scurnan means "pile of" and Cach is "shit"

Thanks for reading.

Anand