1. Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough.
  2. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $1.00 at bowling alleys.
  3. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
  4. "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
  5. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18".
  6. "If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
  7. "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
  8. On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.
  9. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
  10. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
  11. The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
  12. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
  13. Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
  14. I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
  15. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
  16. "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
  17. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
  18. Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
  19. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
  20. Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.
  21. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
  22. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
  23. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.