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January 2005: Since last I wrote I have settled into Liverpool life and am trying my best to assimilate by indulging in some anti-social behaviour and replacing my usual attire with a baby blue tracksuit. As I write I am still without a permanent job, but it would appear from the orange glow that illuminates the town more effectively than the street lighting that sun-bed re-tubing is the major growth industry here, so I’ll have to get myself set up in that game sharpish. As it goes I have recently graduated from Leeds Met Uni and that allowed me to don the daft cape and mortarboard again and now I can officially call myself a ‘Master of Science’. Any readers who happened to be at school with me and saw my questionable dexterity with a Bunsen burner will know just how ludicrous a concept this is. Americans don’t understand irony, they say, but this award proves that I most surely do. To relate this to football matters, I graduated the same day as Brazilian legend Socrates, who was being awarded an honorary doctorate by my alma mater. Presumably for services to publicity stunts and the snaffling of filthy luchre because, lets face it, if he didn’t happen to be in town contracting hypothermia on Garforth’s bench, he wouldn’t have been getting one. I’ll admit I did consider jollying across to Garforth for the freak show the previous Saturday. For about 3 seconds. Instead though I went to Wrexham kidding myself that my attendance was based on offering altruistic support to a club in trouble. In truth, it was all about ticking off another ground before it potentially gets turned into houses. Lets hope this doesn’t happen and, of course, I threw some of my shiny moolah in the bin, but I can’t really deny my true motives. Indeed one sniff of a crisis is enough to get all the benevolent vultures circling. ITV’s own foppish gnome, Gabriel Clark, lurks in the car park to film rattling buckets and stoic Racecourse regulars for the ‘The Championship’s cursory glance at life in League’s 1 and 2. You’ve got to love ITV’s lacklustre attempt at looking interested in life below the Premiership. It serves to constantly remind me of the Fantasy Football sketch depicting Ian St. John and Jimmy Greaves after ITV lost top-flight coverage in the early 90’s. “When’s it coming back, Saint, when it’s coming back…” Anyway back to the Wrexham thing. Fans United are here as well, mostly from Brighton, as the tannoy announcer constantly reminds us. Fair play though, it was good to see all the shirts together, in fact I knew should have worn my H&’Dub scarf, it would have guaranteed my popularity for at least 90 minutes, which is about the sum total of my popularity hitherto, as it goes. A further reason for my attendance is the virtual guarantee of a great atmosphere when these situations occur and I wasn’t disappointed in that respect. It is just a shame they went down to a 3-1 defeat to Bristol City, otherwise it would have been electric. This was one of the few league games I have attended this autumn, as if there’s one thing I love, it’s a mug (Takes one to know one? Oooooooh, don’t mock the afflicted, titter ye not etc.) Which is why I find it so upsetting when we duck out of some of them unnecessarily early. To temper my disappointment at the H&W efforts in the main and local mugs this year, I have, since the 2nd qualifying round, attended at least 1 game per round of the Cup and 2 of 3 thus far in the Trophy. The thing I like about knockout action is the seemingly greater sense of urgency amongst players when it’s death or glory…or replay. I think it’s also because it often throws together teams that aren’t used to each other, although I guess this is less of an unusual factor this season as thanks to restructuring, we’re all getting used to new grounds, fans and teams. Nonetheless only the relative serendipity of the FA competitions (barring meteoric pyramid progress) will bring together Birkenhead la’s Cammell Laird and Geordie boys Dunston Federation Brewery, to use the example of my first foray on the Road to Cardiff this season. Aside from being up for the cup, I was part inspired on the trip to the Wirral by the fact that Half Man Half Biscuit titled their last LP ‘Cammell Laird Social Club’ in tribute to the shipyard workers bar (out of which the footy team was born) and also, of course, in part reference to the hit documentary film ‘Buena Vista Social Club’. Certainly, one way to combine my loves of footy and tunage. Speaking of songs and such, one dubious pleasure of my cup exploits was my recent journey to Macclesfield to stand with the Alfreton army. While it was pleasing to hear them have a chant for nearly every player (the last club I heard do that was, well, us!), there were also some less savoury chants more usually associated with drunk University rugby teams. There was also a song about some guy being a freeloader “…and he eats his sandwiches” which was easily the most peculiar terrace anthem heard this season. Lancaster hosting Scarborough at the Giant Axe in the previous round was also interesting as they were seeming to make a mint on inflatable axes, mostly sold to the away support (it was the day before Halloween, so nice bit of niche marketing there fellas). As I write our boys are still in the FA Trophy and one more win will see us past the regionalised stages. Vauxhall Motors away will suit me just fine, and York or Scarborough could work! These are the dreams we exiles cling to, especially those like me who speak of being sucked in by ‘the drama of the cups’, so let’s hope our chaps can make them come true. Whether we progress in the Trophy or not, the man responsible for it all will be Ian Baird, the new geezer at the helm of our fine club. After recruiting from the back four, the reserve set-up and now the boardroom for the top job, it is surely only a matter of time before we promote from the lawnmower shed. Chuckle & Chuckle* in charge? Don’t rule it out! “There’s a world outside your window…” they sang for Band Aid, but it is clear that we don’t see it that way, and savour the cuddly little clique we’ve built up. Either that or we find the cost of a 4-inch square notice in the Non-League Paper to be prohibitive while Dean Holdsworth is still claiming expenses for his teeth whitener. Might even be Dura-Glit, I’ve not seen the receipts. Anyway, perhaps “WANTED. ‘Dub gaffer.” in Diamond Free-Ads is more our style. Or maybe we’ll over compensate next time and splash out for an ad in the Coronation Street break, with Lennox Lewis sitting there pondering, “I’ve taken on some real hard cases in my career, but if I found a team being handed out beatings on a regular basis? I’m not sure I could keep my cool with those men, I’m not sure I could do that.” COULD YOU? That said, the Liverpool branch, and believe me we’ve discussed it at length, is keen to throw our full backing behind Ian Baird (which I am sure he’ll be greatly relieved about), as he’s been there, done a fair bit, is fully qualified and a spirited gentleman. Hopefully not afraid to put the rocket up our boys, who I’m informed have been a little lacking in vim and vigour at times this year, and that has certainly been the case in some of the games I have been able to get to thus far. The 5-1 victories against Basingstoke and Bognor that came within a fortnight after the majority of this article was written suggest there is indeed hope. “Ian Baird’s blue and white army!!! “. Skif back to index |