Conversation with doe5290 at Wed 18 Oct 2006 09:09:24 PM EDT on Secare Lupus (aim)
(09:09:50 PM) secarelupus: Hiya doll
(09:10:02 PM) secarelupus: er..
(09:10:09 PM) Doe5290: hey
(09:10:38 PM) secarelupus: you weren't in school today
(09:10:41 PM) secarelupus: you ok?
(09:10:53 PM) Doe5290: yeah.. just had a headache this morning
(09:11:02 PM) secarelupus: aww
(09:11:04 PM) secarelupus: I'm sorry
(09:11:21 PM) Doe5290: not a big deal
(09:11:36 PM) secarelupus: are you feeling better now?
(09:11:56 PM) Doe5290: yeah... be there tomorrow
(09:12:39 PM) secarelupus: glad to hear it, hate to think of you being all miserable, stuck at home with your brother
(09:12:55 PM) Doe5290: yeah... true......
(09:13:59 PM) secarelupus: almost done with the first season of Lost
(09:14:28 PM) Doe5290: watching Lost right now.. lol
(09:14:39 PM) secarelupus: on TV?
(09:14:58 PM) secarelupus: hehe, wow, I guess we have one thing in common still ;-)
(09:15:09 PM) Doe5290: :-P
(09:16:18 PM) secarelupus: *sigh*
(09:20:23 PM) secarelupus: well, in that case, I guess your day was worse than mine
(09:20:55 PM) Doe5290: umm.... I guess? coulda been? lol
(09:21:14 PM) Doe5290: why? how bad was you're day?
(09:23:59 PM) secarelupus: not too bad when I had something to do
(09:24:18 PM) Doe5290: well that's good
(09:24:30 PM) secarelupus: meh
(09:24:41 PM) secarelupus: those times weren't long enough
(09:24:59 PM) secarelupus: though I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about
(09:25:35 PM) Doe5290: mmmmm yeah.... I do
(09:25:42 PM) secarelupus: not having enough tasks to distract yourself
(09:26:09 PM) secarelupus: so you come up with things to do
(09:26:14 PM) secarelupus: to occupy your time...
(09:26:21 PM) secarelupus: so you don't have to...
(09:26:25 PM) secarelupus: think
(09:27:22 PM) secarelupus: I found this earlier today... I had sent it to your phone a few months ago, never realized you didn't get it...
(09:28:35 PM) secarelupus: I found it amusing then, in a very facetious sort of way...
(09:28:50 PM) Doe5290: ok....
(09:29:30 PM) secarelupus: now... well... not so amusing anymore
(09:30:34 PM) secarelupus: Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
(09:37:17 PM) secarelupus: what I want to know... if almost everything that happened between us was "fake" or "made up" or...
(09:37:27 PM) secarelupus: What was that day at The Big E?
(09:37:42 PM) secarelupus: Was that you acting how you thought you "should" have acted?
(09:38:16 PM) Doe5290: no
(09:38:16 PM) secarelupus: or was that real? one day, in our 7 and a half months together that was real
(09:40:22 PM) Doe5290: there was so much that so real it scared me. You have no idea how much was real, how much you helped me, touched me. I never lied to you about loving you. I always loved you. Still do as a matter of fact. None of that was "made up" as you seem to want to call it. When I kissed you, I was kissing you because I wanted to. When I hugged you, when I thought about you, it was because I wanted to. I can't believe you would think I would make something like that up.
(09:40:55 PM) secarelupus: I'm sorry... I didn't mean it that way
(09:41:36 PM) secarelupus: I meant...
(09:41:43 PM) secarelupus: it doesn't matter what I meant
(09:41:46 PM) secarelupus: I said it
(09:44:21 PM) secarelupus: that's what I wanted to hear
(09:45:59 PM) secarelupus: Erika, that was the best day in my entire life. I know, I've said it before, but I want you to know exactly what that means
(09:50:52 PM) secarelupus: this is coming from someone who took the lead role in the first play he tried out for, beating out even Josh Ramos. this is from someone who wanted a sibling for years, and one day woke up to hear he had a baby sister (it wasn't really a surprise... just, you know), this is coming from someone who can wake up everyday knowing he has friends who would die, who would go to the ends of the world to help me, because I have done more for them than anyone else has ever taken the time to.
(09:51:07 PM) secarelupus: I have good days... every day is a good day for me...
(09:51:35 PM) secarelupus: I have great days... days that I go to sleep just thinking about how great I have it.
(09:53:23 PM) secarelupus: but there is only one day in my life that I think back to, and know that, if I were to die that night, I would only regret one thing...
(09:53:38 PM) secarelupus: knowing what would come after
(09:53:52 PM) secarelupus: rather, not knowing what would come after
(09:55:30 PM) secarelupus: That night, in your arms... to feel you there... is something I dream about every night
(09:55:44 PM) secarelupus: as I fall asleep
(09:55:47 PM) secarelupus: hell
(09:55:54 PM) secarelupus: every day
(09:56:59 PM) secarelupus: I know you want to find yourself, figure out who you are... but one thing Heather will not let me forget, is this
(09:58:57 PM) secarelupus: men learn who they are through challenges, both giving, and taking, finding ways to overcome them
(10:00:03 PM) secarelupus: women learn who they are through intimacy, through love, loving another, having another love them
(10:00:48 PM) secarelupus: As to me, well... I just grew up too fast
(10:01:06 PM) secarelupus: ;-)
(10:02:31 PM) Doe5290: :-)
(10:02:32 PM) secarelupus: I reread your letter... the first one you wrote in the journal... and I reread it again, and again
(10:04:52 PM) secarelupus: and every word in it... I just couldn't stop smiling, remembering the feelings of that night. even when I read last nights convos... I know, that no matter what happens, I had you that day
(10:04:55 PM) secarelupus: and that night
(10:05:37 PM) secarelupus: http://www.oocities.org/haydrejr@sbcglobal.net/Page1.JPG
(10:06:02 PM) secarelupus: I scanned it in the day you gave it to me...
(10:06:32 PM) secarelupus: today, I put it on my geocities account, so I can read it anywhere.
(10:07:52 PM) secarelupus: anytime I feel down, I can go online, and remember that day
(10:07:58 PM) secarelupus: the day when everything was perfect
(10:09:06 PM) secarelupus: all 6 pages of it
(10:10:02 PM) secarelupus: because what gets me down doll, isn't thinking back to what's happened. Even through the bumpy spots, we still had each other
(10:10:08 PM) secarelupus: 'it's thinking to the future
(10:11:41 PM) secarelupus: all the plans, all the things we were going to do, everything that made it worth going through the shittiest of days, knowing, wait for it... wait for what is coming... just wait
(10:14:36 PM) secarelupus: one day, when there was a chance of us spending the night together... but something came up, and you couldn't. And you said, "not this time... but someday... someday we will... I promise"
(10:15:01 PM) secarelupus: Halloween...
(10:15:10 PM) secarelupus: Your parents' vacation
(10:15:22 PM) secarelupus: you even got your sister to agree.
(10:16:48 PM) secarelupus: you still never met my little sister, she's been dieing to meet you
(10:17:38 PM) secarelupus: my mother wanted you to come up and spend the weekend. Hell, even gained trust of each of our respective families
(10:17:53 PM) secarelupus: don't know how
(10:18:02 PM) secarelupus: I guess your rents don't know me that well
(10:18:03 PM) secarelupus: :-p
(10:18:06 PM) Doe5290: :-P
(10:19:17 PM) secarelupus: I've had relationships where we decided to "take a break", and it always seems that the breaks never end
(10:20:08 PM) secarelupus: hell, last one, we've been on a break for... 6 years now, I think
(10:20:19 PM) secarelupus: but we'll get back together soon
(10:20:21 PM) secarelupus: I know it
(10:20:28 PM) secarelupus: :-p
(10:21:10 PM) secarelupus: I mean, as soon as she breaks up with her bf, we can end the break, right?
(10:21:49 PM) secarelupus: I don't want to see us fall apart on such broken terms
(10:25:38 PM) secarelupus: If you want me to step back, and give you more space, I will do that, if it will help you. But I will never stop loving you, and I am not going to stop trying to spend time with you... because whether you realize it or not, I can help you, if you'll let me.
(10:26:31 PM) secarelupus: take away the title if you feel like it will change anything, but that doesn't change feelings
(10:29:49 PM) secarelupus: I love you, and you say you still love me, and that's enough for me. If this was a test of my commitment, I would've just passed, but it's not, and I'm not sure if there is a "win" in any decision. All I know is that removing my title as yours will not change how I feel, and I'd hope it wouldn't change yours. No title, or lack thereof could take away what we have.
(10:30:32 PM) secarelupus: Do you love me?
(10:31:30 PM) Doe5290: yes, I do
(10:31:58 PM) secarelupus: romantically, or platonically?
(10:33:55 PM) secarelupus: doll?
(10:34:38 PM) Doe5290: romantically dear. As of right now, I still love you the same I loved you before.
(10:35:09 PM) secarelupus: then what has changed?
(10:36:11 PM) secarelupus: has anything changed?
(10:36:24 PM) secarelupus: is this just how things have developed?
(10:37:31 PM) Doe5290: what has changed? me. Or maybe I realized that I haven't changed.. and that's the priblem. I don't know. All I do know is what my gut tells me. And as much as my heart hurts right now, I know this is what I need. I know that probably doens't make much sense, but it's what needs to happen
(10:37:59 PM) secarelupus: how?
(10:38:08 PM) secarelupus: how does it help?
(10:38:11 PM) secarelupus: you HAVE changed
(10:38:47 PM) secarelupus: I may not be as close to you as I think I am... or I may be closer than you think I am, regardless, I'm close enough to know you
(10:38:52 PM) secarelupus: I have seen you change
(10:39:03 PM) secarelupus: I have seen you mature and develop in your personality
(10:39:07 PM) secarelupus: in your thoughts,
(10:39:11 PM) secarelupus: in your feelings
(10:39:22 PM) Doe5290: it helps because it allows me to be me. To be not a girlfriend, to figure myself out and do the things I need to do without the added stress of such a serious relationship
(10:39:51 PM) secarelupus: and removing the relationship removes the stress?
(10:40:08 PM) secarelupus: it removes nothing, it moves it, reroutes it to another place
(10:40:27 PM) secarelupus: if it's not keeping the relationship going, it's remembering what it was, what it could have been
(10:40:59 PM) secarelupus: like in that song, by Rascall Flats
(10:41:19 PM) secarelupus: That's what hurts the most
(10:43:53 PM) secarelupus: I have opened myself up to you, I have shown you more than anyone else in my life, I am here for you to lean on when you need me, and I can learn to stay out of the way when you don't want me, but what it comes down to, is what I can't do, and that's go away. I would do anything for you, and I ask only one thing in return... your love... and that I already have
(10:46:32 PM) secarelupus: What does changing the tag on your myspace from taken to single really do? How does that lessen your load? removes the requirement to spend time with me?
(10:47:25 PM) secarelupus: there is no requirement, there are no responsibilities that won't be filled in by something else.
(10:48:04 PM) secarelupus: and you lose me in the midst of it all
(10:48:39 PM) secarelupus: fuck, it's probably done by now anyway... how long have you been planning on telling me?
(10:48:44 PM) secarelupus: when did you decide?
(10:48:54 PM) secarelupus: have a week to steel yourself?
(10:49:21 PM) secarelupus: get your defenses up against the fight I would put up?
(10:50:14 PM) secarelupus: of all the fights I thought I'd have, I never thought I'd have to fight for you
(10:51:37 PM) Doe5290: you make it sound like I was preparing myself for a month. As a matter of fact, I only figured out it was what I needed last night. So here's the deal. THis is what I need. It might not make sense to you. But it makes sense to me. And it's what I need. So I need you to stop. I need you to try to understand. Try to accept the fact that I love you, but I can't be with you. I just can't. ok? I can't. And I don't want to have this arguement. I'm done.
(10:52:18 PM) secarelupus: tell me one thing
(10:54:08 PM) secarelupus: when you said take a break... were you just trying to make me feel better? Do you actually think that someday we'll be together again, or is this goodbye? please, tell me the truth
(10:56:57 PM) Doe5290: the truth you're not gonna like. Cause it's not gonna help. The truth is, I don't know. The only thing I do know is that it's not goodbye. It will never be goodbye. I will always be here for you, will always come running if you need me. But right now, I can't be your girlfriend. I can't be there for you in that way. In all honesty.. I'm not sure I ever could. Whether the past or the future. To tell you the truth, I'm not exactly realtionship material. I never was. I don't know what else to tell you. Except that, as of right now, I don't know. Maybe in a few days, weeks, I'll be able to tell you. But you can't expect me to know off the top of my head
(10:57:28 PM) secarelupus: but you ARE
(10:57:45 PM) secarelupus: how are you, in any way, not relationship material?
(10:59:57 PM) secarelupus: I have had... *counts* 3 girlfriends. Not because I couldn't get anyone to date me, but because no one else was good enough
(11:01:01 PM) secarelupus: I met you, you're smart, funny, have an amazing personality, caring, tender, sappy once in awhile, and to top it all off, beautiful
(11:02:16 PM) secarelupus: someone whom I would sacrifice anything for, to the point of considering 3 rivers, simply so I could stay in the area
(11:03:12 PM) secarelupus: and you think you're not relationship material?
(11:04:39 PM) Doe5290: I'm not. I don't know how to handle myself in a realationship. I don't know how to handle the fact that someone loves me enough to make sacrifices like that. I would never want oyu to sacrifice things for me. And I could never say I would do the same for you. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I want life to be easier than it is. Maybe I'm just an idiot
(11:04:50 PM) Doe5290: But right now, I'm going to bed. I'll see you in the morning
(11:04:53 PM) Doe5290: goodnight
(11:05:49 PM) secarelupus: sweet dreams. I love you... always
(11:05:59 PM) secarelupus: no matter what happens
(11:06:00 PM) Doe5290 has signed off.
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