It was Sunday, November 5th, a chilly day on which the Brown soccer team beat Yale's ass 2-1. It was a come from behind victory. It was spectacular. Anyway, on to the story... After the game some of the players had to pick up recruits. In case you don't know what a recruit is, a recruit is a person that the school brings out to the school to check it out. Anyway, this kid on the team, Edward, was supposed to have taken this recruit, Mike, for the night, but... he had to "study" for a test. So anyway, my roommate, Julian, had to take the recruit. This was bullshit because Julian also had to study, but he got the shaft anyway. In honor of their victory earlier that day, the soccer team was partying that night. Mike, being a prick, was jumping off the walls, dying to go out and party with the team. Eventually, Julian took his ass out, but not before I gave the boy a shot of my vodka (I must have been nuts). In my defense, I didn't know he was a prick at the time.
    At about 1 AM (Nov. 6, My Birthday), just as I was about to go to bed, Julian and Mike return. After they get ready for bed Mike goes to sleep on the futon that we borrowed from one of the other players on the team. I was asleep for about two hours until I was awaken by Julian calling my name. I slowly woke up and I heard what I thought was rain. I figured that since our windows were open that rain must be coming in our windows. 
    I yell back to him, "What?"
    Julian replies, "The recruit is peeing on our floor!"
    At this point I jump up in my bed, turn to where Mike was sleeping and he was standing there peeing in his boxers. I could only barely see by the moonlight coming in the window. At this point Julian and I started yelling as loud as we could, using every profanity we could.
    "What the fuck are you doing mother fucker!?!?!"
    "Wake up you stupid fuck!!"
    "You stupid fucking asshole! Stop fucking peeing on our floor you shithead!!!!"
    "Mike, wake up you stupid fuck!!"
    Finally, the asshole stopped peeing all over. Keep in mind he was still like a zombie. He then proceeded to lay back down on the futon that he just peed all over. Julian and I are shocked. We climbed out of bed and turned on the light. We tried to find the piss on the floor, but it was nowhere to be found. First, we saw some piss on Julian's blanket, so we drag it out, trying not to touch any piss, and throw it on the balcony in our lounge across the hall. We came back into the room and we still didn't see that much piss. We soon discovered that it was all over the futon and all down Mike's legs and on his boxers. We cleaned up the splatter on the floor with Mike's own pants. As soon as Julian threw them on the balcony, Mike's cell phone fell out of the pocket and plummeted three stories and landed on cement. I ran down stairs  to collect the pieces and then I forced them back together. The phone turned on, somehow, so I just put it back in the room. At this point about six other people from our hall were awake and everyone came in the room started laughing at Mike. He was still asleep!? They decided to leave him some messages on the door so he could read them later. One kid drew a toilet and wrote, "We have these at Brown not only for shit, but also for pee." He also drew an arrow to the toilet and wrote, "Not a futon." At the top of the board someone wrote "Please clean up you excrement. -Management P.S. You are a Dumb Honkey." Julian and I decided that we had cleaned up all that we could and that we would just let him sleep in his own piss all night without a blanket (it was freezing with the windows open too). 
    In the morning, Mike gets up and has no idea what he did during the night. Julian decided that he was going to get the ultimate revenge on the Mike, so he didn't say anything about what happened right away. Just before Julian and Mike were going to go to class Mike asks, "Where are my pants?"
Julian replies, "Oh, that's right. They are on the balcony. You had a little accident last night, you pissed all over your pants and all over the place."
    Mike, stunned, says, "I did?"
    Julian replies, "Oh yeah. By the way, we also dropped your cell phone off the balcony, but Pat put it back together and it still works." Mike is completely dumbfounded. Julian then says, "It's Pat's birthday today, he was really mad last night, he was going to piss on you, I wouldn't wake him up."
Mike being the complete idiot yells, "Sorry Pat," as he walks out the door. Now I wake up, but don't get out of bed. I saw Mike reading the board on the door. Shortly thereafter, he left without taking a shower! How about that for revenge!? Not only did he sleep in his own piss, he walked around the whole next day talking to coaches, etc. with piss all over him. Julian tells me that in one of the classes he went to that a girl came up to Mike and said, "Are you the kid that peed on the floor?" Mike tried to deny it, but Julian didn't let that happen. She also told Mike that the wrestling, baseball, soccer and tennis teams all knew about it already because someone from all these teams saw him sleeping in his piss. 
    Needless you say, this is one recruit that will never, ever want to come to Brown. Not to mention the fact that Julian told the coach how much of an asshole he was and how much everyone hated him. He also mentioned the fact that the BOY peed on the floor. As a side note, he only mentioned it after another player on the team told the coach that his recruit peed on the floor the night before Mike did. Anyway, that's the story of one miserable recruit that is not going to be at Brown next year.

Posted - 11/17/00