About Us: The Story Behind Our Wasted Pathetic Lives

Section 1: How It Started

Nick Hinchman was a hilarious guy. We never understood everything he said, because he would make up strange words of his own, but he was a lot of fun to be around and everybody liked him.

One of Nick’s words was “ralphy”. Ralphy meant nothing more than crappy or something like that, but it was a start. If you said “That’s ralphy!” then you just wanted to say how bad it was. But ralphy became an inspiration.

My friend Matt and I started making movies in the 7^th grade because of a sudden inspiration from a yard sale. We bought two mannequin heads, normally used for practice on applying makeup and styling hair, for 50 cents each and we named them “the heads”. Sure, they were pretty basic, but they were a nice special effect for a movie. Not long after we made our first movie, more of a commercial, which was about a guy that was looking for a bicycle to fit his fiancée, Ima Head (ha…) who was nothing but, you guessed it, a head. Not long after, we made Drowsy Pit (a spin-off on Sleepy Hollow) where a killer went around and chopped innocent people’s heads off. That movie starred Matt, Nick, and me.

The most well-known of Nick’s words was popularized at the end of Drowsy Pit. “He Means Sweet” was derived from “He Means Wow”, and both of them have become the most used words courtesy of Nick today. He Means Wow is what you say when someone is in shock and they can’t say anything to express themselves. You say “He means wow, even though he can’t say it,” or something like that. He Means Sweet and He Means Wow now are used when you mean wow or just when you want to say them. Also used are He Means Bleh, He Means General, and He Means Urg.

Section 2: How It Got Worse

Armageddon 2 was our big break into making popular movies. Armageddon 2 was about a terrible storm in which cement fell out of the sky like rain, and everything was destroyed. Everything except General, an island off of New Jersey. Armageddon 2 starred Matt, Nick, Mor’n, Shyla, and me. It featured special appearances by local car dealer Greg Fields, police officers Ray and Steve, some hillbillies that were roofing, and, best of all, Porterhouse, a local radio DJ (who was later fired for what he said over the radio). Armageddon 2 was a huge hit with all of us and it inspired us to continue making movies.

General McCrapp was one of Nick’s crazy stories that inspired many words and other things, like this paragraph. General McCrapp was a Civil War general with an interesting story. General McCrapp invented the crapper. Why? Because he didn’t like his troops to have to crap in a big hole in the ground. He made a device that allowed them to sit comfortably and the crap would go somewhere where it could be stored and emptied…or left to make fertilizer. Either way, General McCrapp is a folk hero.

I created the vocabulary list over a couple days of one Thanksgiving break. Everything we needed to know was on that list. All of our special words and their definitions were on that site, plus the list of people with special nicknames and the Theories of Life that we have. The original list is posted here. It put our words in common used and boosted their popularity.

Just when we were at the top, the sad news came: Nick’s mom was getting remarried to some guy named Wayne, and Nick was moving to West Virginia. His last summer here he spent mostly with us, making movies and being stupid and pointless as usual. His last movie was Of Mice and Three-Wheeled Bicycles, another classic. But then he was gone.

Section 3: How Bad It Gets

We are the Head Rollers. The Head Rollers make movies in which, as expected, heads roll. That is one of our trademarks. We have continued to make movies and skits without Nick, and, even though we suffer pretty bad without him in them, we are developing a style that works off Nick’s along with general laziness and inspiration from SNL and many movies. We are getting better at this whole movie thing.

John Goodman is the best actor alive today. He has hosted SNL what, 12 times??? , and he is a great actor in movies like The Big Lebowski. That is our favorite movie, and his laziness in that movie has inspired us truly. John Goodman Rules. He Means Wow.

We continue to make movies to this day, along with many skits. Our recent projects have been Jack Squat, P.I., and Extreme Death By Blood, along with many skits, including our own version of Weekend Update and a new series of skits involving old people that break their hips a lot.

Who knows what we could be doing next? I’ll keep you updated. As always, The Saga Continues…