Krycek vs. Chucky

June, 1966.
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Alex, happy birthday to you!"
Little Alex Krycek blew out the candles on his birthday cake.
"Why don't you open one of your presents, Alex?" said his mother, Inga. Eagerly, Alex ran over to the big present on the floor and tore the gaily colored paper off, hoping it was the BB gun he had been wanting for months.
"Wowwie, it's a BB - a Good Guy doll?!?!"
Inside the box was a hideous Campbell's Kid-style doll, also know as a Good Guy .
"Aww, mom, whydja hafta gimme a stupid doll?" said Alex, feeling really pissed off.
"I told you we should've given him a BB gun," grunted Alex's dad.
"Donat, that kid is violent enough already. He choked two squirrels in the past week alone; the last thing I want to do is give him a gun." Alex's mom stubbed out a cigarette on a plate of leftover cake.
Alex scowled and snatched up the doll, going into his room and slamming the door.
"Stupid doll," he said, throwing it on the floor.
"OUCH!"
Alex gasped as the doll got up and dusted himself off.
"Who are you?!?" Alex demanded.
"Chucky," replied the doll, "But my real name's Charles Lee Ray."
"You're that strangler guy? Cool!!" Alex looked impressed.
"Say, kid, your parents are pretty mean, huh?" said Chucky, climbing on the bed.
"Yeah," nodded Alex in agreement. "They're always throwing beer bottles at me."
"Why don't we teach them a lesson?" Chucky had a gleam in his plastic eyes.

Krymom was sitting on a kitchen chair guzzling some Big Beer 22 oz., oblivious to Alex and Chucky creeping in behind her.
"What are you looking for?" Alex whispered as Chucky began to look through one of the kitchen drawers.
"This!" Chucky pulled out a huge steak knife and snuck up to Krymom.
"Donat," she yelled in the direction of the living room, "For the last time, will you turn that TV dow-AAAHH!!AAAGGHH! AARR AARR AARR AARR AAAARRRR!!!" Chucky stabbed Krymom in the ankle repeatedly. She tried to get up, but was too drunk, so she ended up falling onto the floor. Chucky jumped on her back and stabbed the knife into her heart, causing a big pool of blood to spill on the floor.
"WOW!" said Krycek, wide-eyed. "I wish I could do that!"
"You will some day, kid ," Chucky smiled meanly.
"What the hell is this?!?!" Krydad shouted, coming into the kitchen. "You little brat!!!" he yelled, grabbing Alex. "You killed your mother! Now who's going to cook and mend my socks????"
Meanwhile, Chucky climbed on the kitchen table and leaped off onto Krydad's back, biting his neck.
"ARRREEEARRRRGGGHHHHHOOOOOOHHH!" Krydad screamed.
Chucky gnawed at his neck until blood spurted out of the jugular vein. Krydad 's lifeless body fell onto the floor.
Chucky got up and smeared his bloodstained hands on his overalls.
"Chucky! You killed my parents!" Alex was happy. "Thank you!"
"What are friends for?" shrugged Chucky."
"Oh, Chucky, I love you!" Alex gave Chucky a big hug, covering himself in blood.

A few weeks later, Alex was sitting in a cheap plastic chair, warily eyeing a social worker.
Now, Alex, I've got a surprise for you!" Alex's smiling social worker said. "You know how we were saying we'd find a family for you to live with? Well, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. and Mrs. Annoyo."
The social worker got up from her desk and opened the door, ushering in a jolly looking couple.
"Mr. and Mrs. Annoyo, this is Alex."
"OOOOOOOHHHH, innit he CUTE?!?!" Mrs. Annoyo cried in a loud, shrill voice. She had harsh pencil lines for eyebrows, gaudy red lipstick and a huge beehive wig. Alex watched in horror as The Vision came up and pinched both his cheeks. He pulled away in disgust.
"Mr. and Mrs. Annoyo would like to be your foster parents," his social worker said. Alex scowled and said nothing.
"He's absolutely adorable!" Mr. and Mrs. Annoyo chimed. "We'll take him!"

"...this is the kitchen, that's the dining room, this over here is the recreation room, and right here is your room." Mr. and Mrs. Annoyo were taking Alex on a tour of their house. They opened a door to reveal a room covered in clown wallpaper, with stuffed animals everywhere.
"What the hell is this?" Alex whined. Mr. and Mrs. Annoyo laughed.
"Kids say the darndest things, don't they honey?" Mr. Annoyo beamed.
"Now you go right in there and make your little self at home!" screeched Mrs. Annoyo, pushing Alex into the room and shutting the door.
"This is the most hideous room I've ever seen," said Chucky, kicking a stuffed Chihuahua.
"I'll say!" agreed Alex. "Hey, what's this?" he noticed another door and opened it. He and Chucky peered through and saw a group of little girls having a tea party. Their room was completely pink and ruffly, like a sickly sweet cupcake.
"Who's that?" said a girl with a high pitched voice, pointing at Alex.
"That must be my new brother," replied a girl in a tutu.
"Hey, let's play house! He can be our BOYFRIEND!" the evil girls chanted, running towards him. Alex shrieked and shut the door, to no avail - they kept battering against it, eventually knocking it open. Before he knew it, Alex was being smooched by The Yucky Girls, smearing bright pink lipstick all over his face.
"Gaaaahhhh!! Noooo!!! Get offa me!!!" Alex screamed.
"Hey, what's this?" said the Tutu Girl, picking Chucky up.
"He can be our Baby!!" she said gleefully, running into her room and plonking Chucky into a high chair.
"Your name is Victoria Anne," she said, tying a bib around Chucky's neck. "You'll be my baby, and I'll take you out in a stroller, and-EEEEKKK!" Chucky bit down on her arm.
"Get 'er, Chucky, get 'er!" Alex cheered.
Chucky jumped out of the high chair, grabbed one of the scarves the Yucky Girls had been playing dress up with, and wrapped it around Tutu Girls' neck, throttling her.
"Urrghh...yeeerrrggghhh..uhhh..." Tutu girl stopped struggling, and became limp.
"Now," said Chucky, advancing on the other girls, "Which one of you wants to be next?"
The girls squealed and jumped out the window, running home.

"Thanks a bunch, Pal!" said Alex, as Chucky dragged Tutu Girl into the closet (which was full of pink and white dresses with ruffled trim, and matching gloves).
"No sweat, kid." Chucky was panting from the effort. "Is that Mrs. Annoyo?"
Alex listened and heard a high pitched voice calling him.
"Aaaaaalllleeeeexxxx...dinner time!"
"C'mon," said Alex, picking up Chucky and going into the dining room.
"Hello, dear," screeched Mrs. Annoyo, "Where's Annabelle Madeleine Mistyrose?"
"Who?" Alex grabbed a few drumsticks, and gave one to Chucky. Mrs. Annoyo seemed not to notice.
"The little girl wearing that SCRUMPTIOUS pink tutu."
"She-uh-she's not feeling very hungry coz she ate too many cookies at her tea party."
Mrs. Annoyo chuckled."Oh, little Annabelle Madeleine Mistyrose, bless her heart. "
A huge, fluffy Persian cat jumped on the table, and began eating Chucky's chicken. Chucky clubbed the cat with his drumstick.
"Get away, you stupid cat!"
"Don't you like cats, Alex?" asked Mrs. Annoyo, picking up Fwuffles.
"Chucky said that, I didn't, STUPID!"
Mrs. Annoyo smiled indulgently. "Well then, doesn't Chucky like cats?"
"Chucky HATES cats, and so do I!"
"Oh, what a shame. We have so many cats..." Alex looked over his shoulder. There were at least 10 equally fluffy cats mewling on the floor. Knowing instinctively that Alex and Chucky wanted nothing to do with them, the cats went out of their way to jump all over them through dinner, yowling and clawing.

"I hate this place!" Alex and Chucky said in unison as they sat in the demented clown room after dinner.
"This is all your fault, Chucky!" Alex whined. If you hadn't killed my parents, I wouldn't be here. Sure, they'd get really drunk on beer night and start throwing plates at each other, but that's better than this!"
"Tough shit, kid." Chucky replied.
"I hate you, Chucky! I hate you! Alex grabbed Chucky's throat and began to strangle him. Chucky bit Alex's hand, pushed him on the floor, and jumped on his chest.
"That's too bad for you, kid, because we're going to be together for a long time. I was looking at this book I got the other day, Your Guide to Making a Cliched Horror Movie, and it says here that I hafta cast a spell on the first person to know I'm alive, so I can inhabit their body, and get outta this stupid doll body. And guess what?! You're it!!" Alex punched Chucky in the face, threw him across the room, and scrambled into the girl's bedroom, slamming the door shut. He managed to duck under the little tea table just as the door burst open, and Chucky sauntered in.
"You can't hide from me, Alex..." Chucky called out in a his mini Jack Nicholson voice. "Come out, come out, wherever you are..."
As Chucky approached the tea table, Alex tried to think of some means of defense. Then he noticed two fluffy Persian cats curled up near him.
He jumped out from under the table, swinging the two cats by the tails, and smacked Chucky with them. He then tied Chucky's hands together with their tails and ran like hell.
"Oh, hello, Alex!" Mr Annoyo greeted him as he ran into the living room. " So how do you like living here?"
"Akillerdollischasingmeandwantstomurderme," Alex panted. Mr. and Mrs. Annoyo looked at each other and laughed.
"Kids!" they said.
"Alex!" Chucky yelled, running into the room with the cats still tied to his hands. "Come back here, you little runt!"
Alex ran into the hallway and Chucky began to chase him, but Mr. Annoyo stood in his way.
"Now, you wait just a minute, Mister. First of all, those are my cats, and second of all, there is to be no killing in this house. Is that Understood?"
Chucky swung his arm, and one of the cats bit Mr. Annoyo's foot.
"Ooowwwooooo!" he yelped, holding his foot. Chucky ripped the cats off his wrists, climbed up on the couch, and then jumped onto an elk's head hanging on the wall.
"Oh dear!" said Mrs. Annoyo.
Chucky ripped off one of the elk's antlers, dropped down onto Mrs. Annoyo, and stabbed her with the antler. Mr. Annoyo tried to run, but Chucky was too fast for him...

Meanwhile, Alex had run into the bathroom and was hiding in the shower.
"Aaalleeexxx..oh Aaalleexxx..." he heard Chucky calling him. "Come on out, Alex. We'd make a great team together - Alex Krychuck!" Chucky was now in the bathroom. "So why don't you just come out and - AAAAAHHH!!!" Alex jumped out of the shower and sprayed Lysol in Chucky's eyes.
"Eeeeaaagh!" Chucky dropped the antler and clapped his hands over his eyes, blinded. Alex quickly grabbed the doll and dragged him over to the toilet. Opening the lid (which had a pink fluffy cover on it), he stuffed Chucky in head first.
"YAAAAHHH!! LEMME GO! LEMME -GLUB-GO!"
Alex flushed the toilet.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!NOOOOOOOOoooooooo...."
Alex watched in relief as Chucky was sucked down into the sewer.
"Phew! I'm glad that's over!"
Suddenly the toilet exploded, and Chucky burst out, covered in sewage,and grinning evilly.
"It's not over yet, Alex!"
Alex bolted out of the bathroom, and ran to the bookcase.
"'Think and Grow Rich', 'How to Have Model Poise, Beauty and Personality', 'Bob Hope's Lamest Humor Volume 2', AHA!" Alex pulled out Your Guide to Making a Cliched Horror Movie and read aloud.

"'The only way to kill the villain of a horror movie, no matter who or what they are, is through the heart.' I've got you now, Chucky!" He looked around and grabbed Mrs. Annoyo's fingernail file, and waited...and waited.
What's Chucky up to?Alex gripped the nail file tightly, half expecting Chucky to burst out of the bathroom with a big chainsaw. His heart hammering painfully, Alex crept up to the bathroom door, and carefully peered around the door. No Chucky. Then he noticed the open window. Chucky had escaped!
"Aaaaaaiiiiiii!" Alex screamed and clawed at his back. Chucky was on him, stabbing away with a letter opener.
"SUCKER!" Chucky howled.
Alex threw himself backwards, slamming Chucky into a wall.
"Glurk!" Chucky fell on the floor, and Alex hacked and hacked at his heart with the file, until Chucky stopped thrashing.
"Uuhh...uuhh..."Chucky let out a hideous death rattle. "I'm comin' back, Alex...I'm...gonna...get...youuuu...."

The present day

Alex Krycek was having a peaceful evening at his apartment, knitting.
"Purl 1 row, knit 2...." He glanced up and saw a small figure coming through the window..."Chucky!"
"Oh, Alex, how you've grown! I remember when you were this high!" Chucky dropped to the floor and grinned nastily at Krycek.
"No! You're dead!"
"Correction, you idiot - I was dead. The Good Guy Company rebuilt me."
"Why the hell would they do that?"
Chucky shrugged. "It's a thin premise, but this is a horror movie."
"Well, Chucky, you're not gonna be alive for long!" Krycek lunged at Chucky with a knitting needle, jabbing it into his eye.
"AAAAaaaAAAAaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Chucky screamed and clutched at the eye hanging out of it's socket. He retaliated by ripping Krycek's knitting apart.
"You little shit!" Krycek yelped. "I've been working on that for days!" He grabbed Chucky by the hair and smashed a lamp on his head. Chucky grabbed some of the broken glass and rammed it into Krycek's left arm. It left a gouge, but no blood.
"Eh?!?!" said Chucky, bemused.
"It's fake, moron!" said Krycek, smashing the lamp on Chucky's hand. "You goddamned Caggage Patch reject, I'll blow your cotton-filled brains out!"
"Hi, Alex!" a female voice interrupted him. Chucky changed into his Good Guy alter ego as Krycek looked up. Marita Covarrubias was standing in the doorway.
"Oooh, is that one of those Good Guy dolls? I remember those!" Marita closed the door and took Chucky from Krycek.
"Isn't it precious? Alex, it's so sweet that you saved your childhood toys!"
"I couldn't get rid of it," he muttered, glaring at Chucky.
Marita fingered the ripped hair, broken fingers, and dangling eyeball.
"Oh, you play rough with your toys, don't you?" she grinned.
She hugged Chucky to her bosom. "Poor dolly..."
Krycek could've sworn he saw Chucky's smile grow bigger.
"Well, I guess we better get going," said Marita, handing Chucky back to Krycek, "Or else we'll miss all-you-can-eat hour at Denny's."
Chucky dug his fingernails into Krycek's hand.
"Ow! Um, we have to take Chucky with us," Krycek replied through gritted teeth.
Marita raised her eyebrow.
"That way he won't get lonely," explained Krycek casually, trying not to seem too psychotic.

Krycek, Marita and Chucky were seated in a booth at Denny's, where a waitress was taking their order. She smiled and pointed at Chucky.
"That doll is so key-uuoot! What's his name?"
"Ask him yourself," said Krycek, handing Chucky to the waitress.
"And what's your name, widdle guy?"
"Hi, I'm Chucky, and I'm your friend to the end. Hidey ho!" Chucky recited, giving the evil eye to a smirking Krycek.
"OOooooOOoohh he's just so cuddly!" The waitress had Chucky in a stranglehold, made worse by the fact that she reeked of cheap perfume.
"Well, I hate to unhand the little darling, but I better go get you two some food! Would Chucky like some crayons?" she handed the doll back to Krycek and winked.
"Oh, yes, he would!" Krycek laughed. "And do you have any Denny's kiddie bibs?"
"Right here!" The waitress produced a bib decorated with a with a big-eyed dog, and tied it firmly around Chucky's neck.
"How do you like THAT, Chucky?" Krycek said gleefully.
"You'll pay for this, Alex!" Chucky whispered.
"Did you hear that?" Krycek said to Marita, but she was busy studying the many kinds of syrup.
Chucky's plastic eyes darted around the room, trying to spot a good murder weapon. He saw a Sophia Loren wannabe at the table next to them. She was wearing a low-cut dress and had a big bosom to go with it.
"Hey, boobie girl!" Chucky called out. "Are those real?"
Boobie Girl glared at Krycek.
"Alex!" Marita hissed, kicking Krycek under the table.
"I didn't say it! Chucky did!" Krycek said defensively, pointing at Chucky. Marita gave him a dark look and mumbled something under her breath.
But Chucky wasn't done yet.
"You! The fat guy stuffing himself with onion rings! Are you related to the thousand pound man? Pimple-face! You like Hanson! Hey, stupid hippie chick - go hug a tree!!"
The whole restaurant was hissing at Krycek.
"Come on!" snarled Marita, grabbing Krycek and Chucky and yanking them outside.
They drove home silently, Chucky in the backseat.
"Hey, Marita," Chucky said at a red light, "Did I ever tell you what a nice ass you have?"
Marita turned and punched Krycek in the nose.
"That does it!!" Krycek screamed, grabbing Chucky and throwing him out the car window.
Chucky rubbed his sore butt and watched the car speed off. "Now I have to chase the creep AGAIN!!!" Chucky was pissed off. "Unless..." he thought hard, "I'm in a new body now, so technically all I have to do is tell someone else I'm alive, and then I can take over their body instead! Now all I need to do is find some dope to tell my secret to..."

"Hey, Scully, look! It's one of those Good Guy dolls!"
Chucky's thoughts were interrupted by Mulder's voice.
Mulder and Scully were walking back to their hotel room after finishing a case. Mulder leaned down and picked Chucky up.
"So what's your name, little fella?"
"Hi, I'm Chucky, and I'm your friend to the end. Hidey ho!"
"Aww, he's so cute!" Mulder grinned.
Scully raised her eyebrow at Mulder's childhood regression.
"He's too cutesy for me." she said.
"Well, I LIKE Chucky!" And with that, Mulder tucked Chucky under his arm and began walking again.
Later that evening, at the hotel room, Mulder was having great fun with his new friend to the end.
"I like to be hugged! I like to be hugged! I like to be hugged! I like to be hugged..."
Scully gritted her teeth. "Mulder, could you PLEASE shut that thing up?"
"Ask Chucky if he will." Mulder held the doll up to Scully, who threw her hands in the air.
"Goodnight, Mulder."
"Aren't you going to say goodnight to Chucky?"
"AAARRRRGGGHHH!!!"
Scully ran into her room while Mulder chuckled.

"Night Chucky," said Mulder as he turned off the light and snuggled into bed with Chucky.
"Goodnight, Mulder," Chucky replied.
"What did you say?!?"
"I said, 'Goodnight, Mulder'."
Mulder sat up in shock.
"You're alive!! How???"
Chucky grinned and began to tell Mulder a made up version of how he went from being a human to a doll.
"...and so, the spacecraft took off, and I was left like this."
"So aliens did this to you? I should have known! Chucky, those meditative states you spoke about, when you visit other dimensions...do you think I could locate my missing sister that way?"
"Of course! Come with me."
Scully woke from a dream about touring a museum with ABBA, by a strong urge to pee. Groggily she got out of bed and made her way down the hall to the bathroom. Glancing through the open door to Mulder's bedroom, she saw him laying on the floor while his Good Guy doll chanted something in an evil tone.
"AVENIDI, MINTLOCK - aw shit!" Chucky caught sight of Scully, who ran back into her room for her gun.
"FEDERAL AGENT!" she yelled. "HANDS IN THE AIR!"
Chucky ignored her and continued the chant, provoking Scully to blow his arm off. Chucky shrieked in pain. Mulder came out of the trance.
"Scully!!" he cried in an injured voice. "You hurt Chucky!"
"Mulder, that doll is trying to cast a spell on you!"
"But it's a good spell!"
"Guess again, sucker!" Chucky grabbed Mulder's leg and sank his teeth in.
"OW! OW! OW! OW!" Mulder stamped his foot on the floor, desperately trying to shake Chucky off. Scully waited until she had a good aim, and shot Chucky's foot off.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH" he screamed, crawling away out the dog door.
"You OK, Mulder?" Scully asked.
"I'm fine. Let's get that doll!!" Mulder grabbed his jacket and pulled a gun out.

Outside, Chucky was nowhere to be seen.
"Where is he?!?" Scully wondered, looking in the bushes.
"I dunno, but he must've got away fast. I don't see him anywhere."
Almost before Mulder had finished speaking, Chucky jumped down from a tree and landed on Mulder's back.
"AAAAHHHHH!!!SCULLY!!!!GET IT OFF!!!!" Mulder ran into the nearby park, trying to throw Chucky off.

"...and so ever since I was four, Chucky has been chasing me. Do you believe me now?" Krycek was sitting next to Marita on a park bench. She gave him an icy look.
"Krycek, you expect me to believe in killer dolls? That's preposterous."
Just than Mulder ran by screaming, Chucky on his shoulders, with Scully in hot pursuit.
"See? SEE?" Krycek gloated.
Marita stared after the running figures in shock. "But I thought he had to have you! Why is he chasing Agent Mulder?"
Krycek thought a moment.
"Hmm...he's in a new body, and Mulder is the first person he's told. You know what this means?" Krycek grinned in triumph. "I'm off the hook! Chucky won't be bugging me anymore!"
"Krycek, we have to help Mulder and Scully kill Chucky."
"Why? It's their problem now. Let them deal with it."
"But Alex, you and I are the only ones who know how to kill this - thing. If he possesses Mulder, then he'll come back to kill you."
"Alright! I think they went that way..."

Krycek and Marita followed them into a conveniently placed, empty concert hall. Chucky was swinging on an overhead lamp, throwing lighbulbs at Mulder and Scully.
"Hey Mulder! I can really light up your life!" Chucky smashed a lightbulb on Mulder's head and cackled.
"Even your jokes are bad, Chucky!" Mulder replied. He caught sight of Krycek and Marita. "What are you doing here, Krycek?"
"He used to be my doll," Krycek explained.
"That figures", said Mulder, rubbing his head.
"Marita, my love!" called Chucky, jumping down from the lamp into Marita's arms. "Miss me?" He gave her a big smooch.
Marita recoiled in disgust. "Agent Scully! Catch!" Marita threw Chucky to Scully, who threw him to Mulder, who threw him to Krycek.
"GAAAAAHHHH! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE FOR THIS!" Chucky yelled.
"Serve!" called Krycek, ripping Chucky's head off and throwing it against the wall.
"Is he dead?" asked Mulder.
"No, we still have to get him through the heart." replied Krycek.
"That's right!" Chucky's severed head yelled from across the room, while the limbs on his body flailed around pathetically. "You can't keep The Chuckster down!"
"Let me," said Marita. She stomped on Chucky's body, driving her high heel though his heart. Chucky moaned, his eyes rolling to the back of his head.
"Now you won't have to worry about Chucky again, Alex." said Marita.
"For now, anyway..." he replied cynically.

Epilogue

"If ya wannabe my lover, ya gotta get with my friends, make it last forever, friendship never ends..."
The Spice Girls were rehearsing for a concert.
"That's great, girls, let's take 5," said their choreographer. Baby Spice went over to the refreshment table to get a doughnut.
"Hey, Victoria, look at this!" Baby reached down behind the table and picked up a busted doll's head. "Aww, somebody left their dolly here."
"Looks pretty ugly to me," said Posh Spice.
"Ooh, poor little dolly, someone's been mean to you! Well, I'm gonna fix you up, and get you a nice new body..." Baby left the head on the table, and went off munching a doughnut.
"Hey, Baby!" Sporty Spice called out, "I see you ate all the doughnuts again!"
"I did not!" Baby protested. "There was one left!"
Sporty looked around the table, but all she could see was a few crumbs near the doll's head.

The end...
...Or at least until we get the money to do another crappy sequel....