I am a survivor of sexual abuse. Between the ages of four and six, my cousin that I had much adored molested me. He said he wanted to practice so that he would have it right for his girlfriend. I now find myself wondering how she would have felt had she known. Somehow I don't believe she would have been grateful to him for doing so. He even asked my permission first. This caused a great deal of grief for me, as to me this meant that the abuse was my fault. How could I have given him permission? It wasn't until years later when I finally found a counselor that had lived through sexual abuse herself, that I learned otherwise. She explained that he was the most manipulative person of all. She encouraged me to watch a four year old to really learn what kind of decision making skills and knowledge base they really have. I followed her advice and was shocked. I had always seen myself as an adult, and as time went on, had come to expect that I had been capable of making adult decisions. The truth was, I had no real way to know what he was asking, I was taught to be polite, ( "No" is not polite), and like all children, I was eager to please and craved affection. I was lucky in two respects: He did not threaten me, and I was able to end the abuse myself. My plan was simple enough... I simply would not go play with my cousin when we visited. Still, this had taken my little six year old mind some time to think up. I hadn't, however, accounted for our parents telling me I had to go play. Thankfully enough I thought to play hide and go seek. I then proceeded to hide under a dresser for the entire visit, and would not come out until my mom ordered me out. ( She had called me several times already, but thinking it was a trick, I wouldn't come out.) We then went home, and he never tried again. I guess he figured that it was no longer safe to try to continue.
Then, two years later, my mom went to my grandparents' place to stay with them for a while. One of them was ill. My step-father then informed me that I had to spend the night in his room. He insisted that the house would be too cold, and that since he had a space heater in his room, I should sleep in there. I will spare you details, but I will tell you that I protested several times in several different ways, but ultimately he was bigger than me and had the power of authority. I lost. He also molested me. I tried three times that night to sneek away, and each time got caught. When my mom got home, I told her what had happenned. She was strong and brave enough to believe me and confront him, and weak and naive enough to think that threats would keep me safe. For the next nine years he found other ways to abuse me. If he didn't completely ignore me, he was trying to break me. He put his fist through the wall beside my head once, over a pack of black Jujubes that I hadn't even been aware he had. (It seems he ate them all and then forgot.) He would threaten to kick me out of my home irregardless of what my mom wanted. (That one didn't go over so well with her.) He would demand to know what I was thinking, and he would walk into my room when I was changing. Oh sure, he would profess that it had been an accident, but then he would just stand there and talk to me instead of leaving. The lock on my door always seemed to be faulty. I used to try to dream up ways to harm him without harming others, but could never come up with anything. I certainly didn't want to oppose him directly. Finally, one day after he had been following me around the house taunting me, I had come to suddenly realize that I had a steak knife in my hand and had apparently been about to turn and stab him. I knew then that I could no longer hold out. Ready or not I had to move. At seventeen, I moved in with my boyfriend. I had never been on my own, he had only been on his own for a little over a year, we had only been going out for a year, and we both carried a lot of our own emotional baggage. We were not ready for this. We had even broken up at one point, but we made it through.
We have been together for almost a decade now. We are married and have a family of our own. I have been in counceling off and on for over a decade as needed, and have learned many things. Healing Spirits 2000 is the natural result of my life's experiences. I sincerely hope that you benefit from my story. There is so much more to my story than what is on this page, but I would have to write an entire book. Maybe someday I will. You will find more of my story scattered throughout Healing Spirits 2000.
If you have any questions, or would like to share your own story, please email me using the link below, or using your own email provider. Also, you may use my guestbook as a safe and anonymous way to ask me your questions. All entries are reviewed privately by myself before posting in the guestbook or in the "Knowledge Is Power" Question and Answer page. All identifying information is removed before posting on the Q&A page. Please specify whether or not you want your personal information removed from any guestbook postings. Thank you.
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