Abuse by Indulgence

by Traute Klein, biogardener

Definition

I am not talking about indulgence which we practice on ourselves but the indulgence which we show our children as they grow up.

Sam Vaknin: "To love too much is to abuse."

I don't call spoiling a child "love." I call it indulgence.

Discussion Question

I used to know someone whom I considered the epitome of a narcissist, but he does not appear to fit the definition of a narcissist.

He grew up as the apple of his mother's eye, especially after the father was killed in action in World War II. He was more spoiled than anyone I have ever met in my life. He expected everyone to cater to him like his mother had done. He considered himself terribly handsome and even more intelligent. He would stop at every mirror to comb his hair. He bragged to me about his many sexual conquests as though that should make him more desirable to me. I don't know if they were actual or imagined.

I lost track of him and don't know if he became an emotionally abusive husband, but I do know that the only feelings which mattered to him were his own. As soon as he could stand on his own feet, he looked down on my parents who, out of the goodness of their hearts, had helped him to get established in Canada, and that really bothered me.

This person was never abused as a child unless you consider spoiling a form of abuse. He certainly never felt rejection. Maybe he was just a spoiled brat. He was also an only child.

Responses

Here are some exerpts of the responses which I received after posting the above story in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder discussions:

pamina: Somewhere I read that a narcissist can be created by being overindulged as you describe above.

graci200: I wrote about "Children of Entitlement," i.e. selfish children, who can become narcissists. I tend to think that spoiled children are the most likely to become narcissists. Abused children are incredibly resilient and can become stronger adults because of the abuse. These are the ones we don't hear about because they don't seek counseling.

Yes, spoiling, rejection, indifference, and other actions are also abusive. The average person tends to associate the word "abuse" with physical abuse rather than emotional abuse. The worse offense to a narcissist is indifference. They seem needy for attention all the time from everyone, even those they have no real interest in. Narcissists use mind games, baiting, and lying to elicit response from the person they are "playing with."

Anitra66: An unhealthy OVER-valuation of the child may be just as damaging as the more conventional kinds of abuse which are known to cause psychological problems.

"Spoiling" is not necessarily an expression of love. The over-indulgent parent, who also exaggerates the talents and achievements of their offspring, may unwittingly be using them as the vehicle for their own thwarted hopes and ambitions, rather than loving them in their own right.

And, by the way, the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder don't mention anything about family environment. They focus purely on behavior. Thus, an individual who satisfies the behavioural criteria would in no way be disqualified from being a narcissist, simply because s/he didn't have an obviously abusive background.

Viennesecoffee: I have no doubt that narcissism has fertile ground to thrive in when boundarylessness (spoiling and overindulgence) help set the stage in early childhood. Healthy boundaries (where do I end, where do you begin ) are certainly a cornerstone of a healthy character. You cannot empathize when you don't have boundaries. You control others instead of yourself, when you don't know where the "edges" of personhood are.

My former mother-in-law worshipped her son, and when he was younger, his narcissism wasn't as evident. But it got worse and worse, and when I filed for divorce he had evolved into monstrous behaviour at age 46, still charming, dazzling, and brilliant on the outside (and in his case, there wasn't a grandiosity gap) but a miserable failure in relationships.

Overindulgence and performance oriented valuation of narcissistic ex-husband certainly were variables which factored heavily into his becoming who he now is.

Sam Vaknin's Response

In response to my question, the editor of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder topic posted a link to his essay, "What is Abuse?" I am quoting from it here: Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and control.

There are a million ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humor, or consistently tactless is to abuse.

To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse.

The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers." You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.

My Conclusion

After reading the comments in the discussion, the picture has become clear. Having been a teacher all my life, I have seen how the spoiled children are the most difficult to handle, and when I met their parents, I always understood why. Yes, that man was the epitome of a narcissist.

Postscript

Several years after this man moved out of our province, I traveled across Canada and looked him up in the phone book. We met to talk for a while and to update each other on what had happened in our lives. I had to chuckle to myself to see him almost bald while still in his twenties. He had bragged how distinguished he would look in old age with a full head of white hair.

Afterthought

Thinking back 45 years, I remember that there was a short time in this man's life when he appeared healed of his narcissism after a religious conversion experience. He started to care about the welfare of his friends rather than worrying about his own appearance. Unfortunately, he soon backslid into his old self, in fact, he became more self-centered than ever.

I tend to believe that a narcissist could change if he were to persist in his religious experience. Without that, I don't see any hope for the personality disorder.

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