"Nine Steps to Lose Your Anger, Not your Temper"

You may be reading this because you don't like the way your temper has been getting the better of you lately. Or, it may be that you've always had a quick temper, but now you're afraid you might do something you'll regret if you can't get a handle on it. Whatever the case, these few minutes will give you some new tools to help you control the anger, instead of the anger controlling you. I'm first going to talk about anger so you can understand it in a different way than you did before, and then I'll give you 9 specific steps so you can get your anger under control.

First, its important to understand that there are two parts of anger we need to deal with -- one is the physical part, and the other is the mental part. When you get angry, chemicals are released in your body and they drive you to some type of action. Your body is in what is called a high state of arousal, and the easiest thing to do is to find some way to discharge that arousal quickly. The "easiest" way, of course, is not necessarily the best, and if you discharge your arousal by hurting someone else, it is illegal. While many of us have thoughts of punching someone in the nose, there is a world of difference between having the thought and putting it into action. The part of us that keeps us from putting our anger into action is the mental part -- and it can help us immensely, or it can hurt us emotionally and cripple us for life. In order to lose your anger and not your temper, you need to learn to deal with both the physical and mental part of the anger.

Lets first understand what anger is, in its simplest terms. Anger is a way of reducing stress. Yes, a way of reducing stress. By being angry, we block other things, that cause stress, out of our awareness. For instance, we may have some painful feelings that we believe were caused by another person, but instead of feeling the hurt, we get angry. We may have sprained an ankle, but to keep from giving in to the pain, we get mad at ourselves or someone else, and go on. We may be frustrated that we can't find our keys, and discharge that high arousal level by blowing up in anger. Someone may threaten us, and we put aside our fear by getting mad. Whether its depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, fear, physical pain, frustration, feeling attacked, feeling abandoned feeling double-crossed, we can block our feeling of that feeling -- the stress -- by being angry.

If you've been listening really carefully, you might have noticed that I've talked about anger as if its a choice. It is a choice. Anger is something we choose to indulge in, and it is only one of many choices to reduce the stress in our lives. So lets look at other choices to discharge the stress, and we'll look at the physical part of it first, then will look at some ways to eliminate the mental part of anger.

Reduce the high arousal of stress, and satisfy your urge to take physical action by doing some type of exercise activity -- run, walk fast, play tennis, swim, do aerobics, or channel the energy into some type of project, like vacuuming, painting, building something, digging holes. Some people will beat their pillow or mattress with their hands, or a tennis racket, or a stick. (Special Note: if you use your hands to beat a mattress, do so using a hammer-like motion, rather than punching straight in -- you could break your wrist that way). But there are also other activities which can drain off the high arousal -- reading, listening to music, playing an instrument. You can also write down your feelings in a diary or a journal, or poke fun at yourself, or you could cry. These are all possibilities, and you should decide now on one or more of these which you will do, so that you deal with stress better than just getting angry.

But the occasion of the stress isn't enough, by itself, to have stress turn to anger. There are some beliefs, learned while growing up, that turn the stress to anger. We may have learned, for instance, that being angry is a way to get what you want. Once that is learned in childhood, we come to expect that anger is a solution that will work in any situation with any person. We could have learned this by being rewarded for our tantrums as children, or we could have learned it through watching other people. But the good news is that what we have learned, we can unlearn. We continue angry behavior because we have come to believe two things: (1) that people "should" act in certain ways, and (2) people intentionally cause harm and therefore we can "blame" them. The beliefs about what others should do and blame are important trigger thoughts which are usually present when the arousal, caused by some stress, goes on to anger. We have to stop believing that other people are at fault for what happened; then we are able to deal with the stress through one of the other alternatives -- we won't need anger to block it. No one, besides you, is responsible for getting what you want, and therefore no one else is to blame if you don't get it. And no one can be expected to do anything unless they believe its in their own best interests to do it, so don't think they should do it just because you want it. You can't have anger without both the trigger thoughts and the arousal from the stress of something not being the way you want it to be. It can begin with the stress, or it can begin with the trigger thought, but when one follows the other, anger happens.

Now, understanding all of that, here are nine steps to control your anger.

1. Figure out your "Early Warning Signs" -- what starts to happen in your body just before you start to escalate anger. Anger doesn't just pop up, there are things going on before and after. Make a special effort over the next few weeks to look in on yourself and notice.

2. When you notice your early warning sign, take a "time out". Simply say to the other person, if one is present, or yourself if alone, the words, "I need to take a time out to think about this . . . I'll be back in 30 minutes," and leave the situation immediately.

3. When out of the situation, do your stress relieving activity (walk, music, cry, write, etc.)

4. Take out SELF NOTE #1 on which you have previously written these two truths: (1) No one else beside me is responsible for getting me what I want, (2) No one else will act any different unless they believe it is in their own best interest to act different. Say these two truths to yourself three times. These truths are arguments against the trigger thoughts for anger.

5. Write down on a piece of paper what is the REAL stress in the situation, and write it without any mention of another person. What's missing for you? What do you want different? What hurts you? What are you afraid of? What do you NEED?

6. Take out SELF NOTE #2 on which you have previously written these three questions: (1) What can I do differently so I will get what I need? (2) What can I do so that will reward the other person so they will want to meet my need, (3) Is there anyone else I haven't thought of who could meet my need. Look at what you have written for your need, ask yourself these questions, and write down as many answers as you can. These lead to personal responsibility.

7. Look at all the alternatives you wrote, and think about all the possible consequences of each one, and write down pluses and minuses by each alternative as you think of all the good and bad consequences of each.

8. Pick the best alternative, but if none look good, accept the fact that your only real alternative may be to LET GO -- that means either accept things as they are, or get out of the situation if you can.

9. If you've done all these steps, and you are still angry, take a nice slow deep breath and let it out slowly, then take out SELF NOTE #3 on which you have written these four reminders: (1) ten years from now I won't even remember this whole thing, (2) blaming won't solve problems, (3) I'm a good person no matter what, (4) I can be annoyed and hurt and still be in control of myself. Then look at the other two notes, what you wrote about the real stress this time, what you need, and what you need to do -- and then make a plan of what you will do.

Keep the three SELF NOTES with you at all times.

If you are now hurting anyone with the results of your anger, that is, if you are hitting your wife or your children or a parent, you really owe it to yourself to get some help from a qualified mental health professional. There are some pains embedded in the mind which are too deep to reprogram and retrain by yourself. Its normal to feel uncomfortable at the thought of going to another person for help with anger. Many people are embarrassed, or feel guilty and expect to be criticized. Especially if you have these feelings, you can be helped. Only those with no remorse or sorrow are unlikely to be helped. Get help now before something worse happens and you have to live in deeper guilt.

Dr. Joe Just, Ph.D.; 804-436-0605 Coastal Counseling Center