Elephant-hunting as a discriminator of techie types
Text
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything
that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least
one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one
unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual
elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately
east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their
hands and knees.
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at
random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus
15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants
are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an
elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything
at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who
do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat
size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies,
if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants
you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the
look and feel of one dropping.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption
that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes
the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants
they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
desktop elephants.
-----
PSHIFT(1) USER COMMANDS PSHIFT(1)
NAME
pshift - paradigm shift utility
SYNOPSIS
pshift [-zzeitgeist] [-rragelev] [-v] [-c] [-wn] [+|-n]
DESCRIPTION
The pshift operator performs a paradigm shift on its input
stream within the context of the current or specified
zeitgeist.
OPTIONS
-z Specify the zeitgeist context. May be specified here
or from the environment variable $ZEITGEIST.
Supported values of zeitgeist are judeo_christian
(default), postcommunist, new_age, and
when_god_was_a_woman.
-r Specify rage level. Acceptable values of ragelev are
ennui (default), deep_seated, and consuming.
-v Set to verbose mode. Normally pshift operates
silently; in verbose mode it publishes a 500+
page bestseller entitled "Rethinking [input stream]
in the [zeitgeist] Age", and then begins soliciting
honoraria until the operator types ctrl-c. On some
systems it runs for Congress.
-c Set to collective IO. Normally pshift takes its
input from stdin and outputs to stdout; in
collective mode it takes its input from the
Collective Unconscious and writes to the Body Politic.
-wn Specify first, second, third or fourth wave.
Acceptable values for n are 0,1,2 or 3, with 2
(third wave) being the default.
[On Sun systems, the logical waves are 0,3,2,1, which
map to physical waves 0,1,2,3; see Sun Technical
Manual for details.]
+|-n Specifies the number of times to prepend 'post' to
the zeitgeist context, if positive, or 'pre' if negative.
The default is 11.
EXAMPLES
source $DEITY | pshift -zpostcommunist -rdeep_seated -v +1
On most systems, the above command will output a hardcover
volume called "Rethinking God in the Post-Postcommunist Era",
in which the irrelevence of erstwhile religious concepts is
seen to have triggered a global, deep-seated rage vis-a-vis
traditional sociopolitical norms leading to a premature
breakdown of emerging postsoviet infrastructure.
pshift -znew_age -rennui
The above command produces no output, but privately processes
a vague discontent which it will share if its space is
honored. May be redirected to /dev/null.
pshift -c -w3 -1
Taking its input from the collective unconscious, the above
command rejects the failed socioeconomic policies of the last
thirty years and replaces them with a futurist, fourth wave
polemic of traditional values, the two-parent family, and the
supremacy of the private sector that was the foundation of
the American utopia of the 1950s. Use a prepend value of -2
to restore the American utopia of the early Industrial Age, a
value of -3 to restore the European utopia of the
Enlightenment, -4 for catholic hegemony, etc. (note:
Requires grass root permission. In verbose mode, it may also
require a $4 million advance.)
SEE ALSO
backlash(1)
BUGS
You must have root permission to use consuming rage.
-----
The Warning Signs of Webphilia Or Internet addiction:
*If your wife (husband) and kids have to get your attention by
e-mail, you are probably an Internet Junkie.
*If your e-mail address shows up on bathroom walls, its time to
take a long break from the terminal. A few months will suffice.
*If your monthly phone bill is more that $100 and you don't know
anybody out of town, you're certainly hooked.
*If your diet consists of whatever is within easy reach of your
computer, it's probably time to get in touch with your local chapter of
Techfreaks Anonymous (TA). They can be reached by e-mail.
*If you've trained your dog to fetch your slippers and turn the
computer on when you get home, you definitely need treatment.
-----
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, payed me a visit.
As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed
Windows 95 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating
system and showed him the Windows 95 CD. Too my surprise he threw
it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got
very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said:
'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD
out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my
surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier
than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner
edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, an inscription finer
than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone
piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1324
'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.
'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode,
but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter
here. But in common English this is what it says:'
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
-----
For those who might remember Abbott and Costello ...
A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:
Customer : What is the command that will tell me the revision code of
a program ?
UNIX consul : Yes, that's correct.
Customer : No, what is it ?
UNIX consul : Yes.
Customer : So, which is the one ?
UNIX consul : No. 'which' is used to find the program.
Customer : Stop this. Who are you ?
UNIX consul : Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo'
to get information about yoo'.
Customer : All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?
UNIX consul : Use 'what'.
Customer : That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true ?
UNIX consul : No. 'true' gives you 0.
Customer : Which one ?
UNIX consul : 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'
Customer : Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I
find it?
UNIX consul : Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what
program' to get the revision code.
Customer : I want to find the revision code.
UNIX consul : You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.
Customer : Which command will do what I need?
UNIX consul : No. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Customer : I think I understand. Let me write that.
UNIX consul : You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Customer : Write what?
UNIX consul : No. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Customer : Cut that out!
UNIX consul : Yes. Those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the
options.
Customer : Do you always do this ?
UNIX consul : 'du' will give you disk usage.
Customer : HELP!
UNIX consul : 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System(SCCS).
Customer : You make me angry.
UNIX consul : No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname'
when I was upset once.
Customer : I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX consul : No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system
has 'more'.
Customer : Nice help! I'm confused more now!
UNIX consul : Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is
better not to 'nice help'. And 'more now' is not allowed but
'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.
Customer : This is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX consul : I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to
the Pascal compiler team.
-----
If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered
plants?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
-----
LAYPERSON'S GUIDE TO PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot
them all in the foot. Providing emergency assistance is impossible since
you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at
others and saying, "That's me, over there."
Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out
of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of
bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling
ability.
Modula-2: After realizing that you can't accomplish anything in this
language you shoot yourself in the head.
COBOL: USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE, THEN return HANDGUN to
HOLDSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds ...
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with water pistol. On big systems,
continue until entire lower body is water logged.
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how
to do it in fewer characters.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into the left of leg of you.
Answer the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the
trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory
handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger
the gun jams.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail,
shoot yourself in the right foot.
Unix: % Is foot.c shoot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o rm: .o: No such
file or directory % is %
DOS: You can't get to either foot from here.
OS/2: Point to body and click, point to leg and click, point to lower
leg and click, point to foot and gun goes click.
Xbase: Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in
the foot, you'll have to use Clipper.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can
shoot you as well.
Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon
as you figure out what all these bullets are for.
Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much
fun doing it that you won't care.
Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to
explain.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000 page document
detailing how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes
back deep fried.
-----
It's really not too difficult to fix your own hard drive, if the
problem is a head crash, or the infamous Seagate "stiction" problem,
if you know what to do. You will require #4/0 steel wool, Varsol,
WD-40, a few hand tools, and about 45 minutes.
First, you need a clean room, so make sure the garage door is closed
before you begin. Move those old lawnmower parts off the bench.
Disassemble the sealed unit and carefully wash all parts with
Varsol. Bend the read/write heads out of the way and then
disassemble the platter stack.
VERY CAREFULLY buff the platter surfaces with the #4/0 steel wool.
This will remove any existing data, level out any surface defects,
and help to redistribute the magnetic media and fill in those pesky
"bad sectors" that most drives have.
Reassemble the platter stack, and using a .015" feeler gauge, bend
the read/write head back to the platter surface, using the feeler
gauge to set the gap. This is a slightly higher gap than the
factory uses, but it reduces the chance of head collisions with any
flotsam you neglected to remove.
Give the head and platters a good shot of WD-40 and reassemble the
unit. If your drive has a filter, replace it with a clean section
of gauze pad.
All that's left is to low level and DOS format the drive, and you're
back in business.
I haven't tried this yet myself, but my friend's wife's
sister-in-law's husband knows a technician who does it all the time.
-----
UNIX Man
(to the tune of "Nowhere Man" by the Beatles)
He's a real UNIX man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans for nobody.
Knows the block size from du
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you and me?
UNIX Man, please listen
My lpd is missin'
UNIX Man the wo-o-o-orld is at your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
Unix Man, can you help me at all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time, don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans for nobody. . .
Making all his UNIX plans for nobody.
-----
Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences
of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted
again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Link Rot
The process by which links on a web page became obsolete as the sites
they're connected to change location or die.
Chip Jewelry
A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into
decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's
nothing but chip jewelry."
Crapplet
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30
minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Plug-and-Play
A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great.
He's totally plug-and-play."
World Wide Wait
The real meaning of WWW.
CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma
of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive
substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing
the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry
I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at
conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the
room was glazing by the second session?"
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not
Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located.
"Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic
forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Egosurfing
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for
the mention of your name.
Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing
something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the
screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that
CAD rendering."
Open-Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what
time do we squirt the bird?"
Brain Fart
A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst
of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can
you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker
slang that had more negative connotations.
Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web
page.
It's a Feature
>From the adage, "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to
describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are
there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard
plaque."
Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your
boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Elvis Year
The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year
was 1993."
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work
group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Adminisphere
The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Tourists
People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were
tourists."
Blowing Your Buffer
Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking
with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so
astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"
(Also used as "Head Crash")
Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms
looking to appear more reputable and established.
Bookmark
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from
web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."
Nyetscape
Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
Beepilepsy
The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off,
especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy
facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Salmon Day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed in the end.
-----
When King Arthur woke up in the mornings, he'd rush down the staircases
of Castle Camelot to see if there was any post for him. Quite often there
wasn't - and he was bitterly disappointed - but one day he found an
envelope with his name on sitting on the drawbridge mat. Excited, Arthur
rushed upstairs to see Guinevere and to show her his letter.
"Well, dear," she yawned, "open it up, let's see what you've been sent."
So Arthur opens up the envelope, and takes out the piece of parchment,
which read:
"Dear Arthur,
I am writing to inform you of Morgana Le Fey's exciting new range of
spells. Whatever your wizardry requirements, Morgana's is the place to
be."
Well, Arthur was naturally annoyed that his time had been wasted with
what amounted to a circular (and he already had a round table). He was
about to throw the letter away when Guinevere suggested he finish reading
it. So he continued:
"I'm sure you agree," it went on, "that your friends and
acquaintances would benefit from such quality goods. Therefore, please
have your scribe copy this letter out ten times, and send copies to ten
of your friends."
Arthur snorted at the nerve of this, and read on.
"A free demonstration of Morgana's amphibian transmogrification potion
has been arranged, by the way, for anyone who doesn't comply. She'll know
if you've read it, and she'll know if you haven't informed your friends
of her great offers. And she'll be angry"
Arthur, now a little concerned - particularly as his scribe was on
holiday - took the letter to Merlin, his own magician. Merlin scanned
through it, then said, "I wouldn't believe a word of it. Her powers are
puny; she's just trying to rack up business. What an underhanded trick."
King Arthur, relieved, decided to throw the letter away, but Merlin
stopped him. "I suggest you keep that, sire," he said with a wink. So
Arthur, heeding the wise man's words, took it to his armourer and told
him to look after the letter.
Now Arthur was a popular member of the community, and soon had another,
similar letter, forwarded to him. Then another. And another. And yet
more... But Merlin advised him to retain the letters, and retain them he
did, until he had scores and scores of these letters.
A few months later, war broke out, and it was not long before Arthur's
knights were called into battle against the evil forces of Morgana Le Fey
and her diabolical, illegitimate son Mordred.
Arthur's forces went into battle, but, thanks to Morgana's scheme to beat
the competition in the magic potion business, Arthur triumphed. His
forces were well protected. Merlin had been right...
...They were lucky they'd kept all that chain mail !
-----
A MARTHA STEWART QUIZ
1.What can't Martha Stewart do?
A. Raise the dead.
B. Touch her nose with her tongue.
C. There is nothing in the world that Martha can't do if she wants to.
2. How many hours a night does Martha sleep?
A. Four hours.
B. Fifteen minutes
C. Why would Martha sleep?
3. Martha's hair is:
A. The color of buttermilk from contented cows.
B. The color of driftwood washed up on an unpolluted island off the coast of
Nova Scotia.
C. Bleached blonde.
4. Martha's recipe for omelet aux fines herbes begins:
A. Take a pound of fines herbes and blanch in Perrier.
B. Take a pound of fines herbes and chop finely with a Japanese cleaver.
C. Raise a chicken.
5. This is what Martha does with acorns:
A. Gilds them.
B. Cooks them with oxtails and Porcini mushrooms for a hearty winter stew.
C. Cracks them with the power of her mind.
6. Life according to Martha is:
A. An endless round of fabulous parties.
B. An endless round of successful meetings.
C. Exhausting.
7. If you run into Martha at a party:
A. Don't tell her about the great recipe you made with Hamburger Helper,
mushroom soup, and frozen lima beans.
B. Don't ask her if spit is an effective spot remover.
C. Bow.
8.What do Martha and Cinderella have in common?
A. They are both obsessed with cleaning.
B. They both go to balls.
C. They are both waiting for Prince Charming.
9. Before Martha takes a bath, she:
A. Scents the water with bath oil she makes by crushing rose petals with her
feet.
B. Surrounds the tub with candles she makes from tallow from her sheep.
C. Re-does the plumbing.
10. In her spare time, Martha intends to:
A. Scrub Cleveland.
B. Design cars with their own matching garages.
C. Rule the world.
Answers: The correct answers are all C, as in Croquembouche.
-----
The Top 14 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
14> Mysterious late-night phone calls: "I can't stop thinking about
you... and that's a good thing!"
13> Contents of your curbside recycling tub stolen and replaced
with juice can pencil holders and milk carton flower vases.
12> On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly
like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice
downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
11> You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a
magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size,
the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
10> Size 6 Bruno Magli imprints on all your doilies.
9> You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon,
rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of
palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
8> The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you -- even after
you leave the bathroom.
7> You discover that every napkin in the whole house has
been folded into a swan.
6> No matter *where* you eat, your place setting always includes
an oyster fork.
5> Annoying crank phone calls begin with, "Hold, please, for
Ms. Stewart."
4> Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
3> That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
2> The sharpened macaroni shells underfoot in the bathroom are
stained to match the shower curtain.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart...
1> You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at
your temple.
-----
What if Dr. Seuss wrote technical manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
"Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Anonymous
-----
Top 10 Signs That Your Conference with your Child's Teacher Isn't Going Well
by Suzy Red
10. The teacher asks if your child barks like a dog at home, too.
9. As you arrive, the teacher asks if you can spare a Valium.
8. On behalf of the entire class, the teacher expresses sympathy for your
marital problems.
7. The teacher says that you seem very intelligent and asks if your child
is adopted.
6. The teacher asks how the snake is doing, and you don't know what
she's talking about.
5. The teacher shows you $ 75 worth of dimes and quarters she found in
your son's desk, and you notice how thin the other children are.
4. The teacher encourages your family to take a week long vacation the
week of standardized testing.
3. You spot your missing Weight Watchers records on the bulletin board
as a part of the Examples of Graphs display.
2. The teacher has a can of pepper mace stored in a shoulder holster.
1. The teacher tells you that she had hoped your son could be a tree in
the school play, but he lacked the necessary acting ability.
-----
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a
real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the
presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning
of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or
hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable
from the real device."
Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by
loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner
indistinguishable from the real saint. Mother also taught the IF ... THEN
... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go
to school; otherwise just wear your shoes."
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction
processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make
a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need
them this afternoon."
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party,
she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling
where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She
then gave us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks
after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned
when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine.
Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this
problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly
increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write letters to grandma then mailed
them in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an
instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number
of physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she
turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to remind herself
to turn it off again before leaving the house. Mother knew about devices
which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any
operation. She had a whistling tea kettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the
dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so
that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically
present everywhere at once to show His love for His people, and so He
created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed
processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds
out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local
area network of distributed processors that can't be beat.
Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
-----
Taken from a thread in rec.arts.sf.written.
Subject: You know those aliens live a long time when ...
* They say, "It sure does smell less now those dinosaurs have gone."
* One of them apologises for the dinosaurs, and asks for his iridium back.
* You know they really live a long time, if they ask, where all that nasty
oxygen came from.
* You show one of them your copy of _2001_ and he starts rambling on
about the debates that took place in Congress over where exactly the
Monolith should be buried.
* ... you're not allowed in their taverns because you're under the legal
drinking age ... and you're sixty years old.
But it's nothing personal. Your *species* is under the legal age for
being considered able to handle alcohol. (With good reason IMHO.)
* When they take vacations by chartered continental drift.
* ... if they complain that "the speed of light just isn't what it used to be"
on their way back to their neoghborhood kugelblitz.
* "These kids today, they don't know how lucky they are. Why, when *I* was
young we didn't have any of these newfangled heavy elements like carbon and
nitrogen. We had to evolve out of hydrogen and helium and we *liked* it!"
"You think that's hard? *We* just had a proton-electron plasma."
"Bah! You had *protons*? We would have considered that a great luxury! If we
wanted a proton we had to put it together ourselves out of quarks! And if
you let it go for just a moment to make another one, some other particle
would come along and knock it apart and you'd have to start all over again!"
* You go mountain climbing with them and they say, "You know, last time I
was here, this was a beachfront condo."
* While you're out on the back porch guzzling beer with them and watching
the old bug zapper in action, they say, "You know, last time we came by,
we didn't have any use for them things."
* They say, "We taught George Burns how to shave."
* The watch a Michael Jackson video and say, "Last time we visited here,
people who looked like that got embalmed and placed in a sarcophagus."
* They look around and say, "This place certainly has livened up since it
went multicellular."
* They complain about how things have got run down since the Big Bang.
-----
After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a
new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.
Here it goes.
Knowledge is Power
Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
Power is Work over Time.
So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom,
we get:
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).
Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.
What this MEANS is that:
1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.
>From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge
approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
>From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as
Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left
as an exercise for the reader.
-----
Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program
shink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and
12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate
path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for
the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program
development cycle:
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department
that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and
discovers 15 new bugs.
5. See 3.
6. See 4.
7. See 5.
8. See 6.
9. See 7.
10. See 8.
11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product
announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the
product is released.
12. Users find 137 new bugs.
13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to
be found.
14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs,
but introduce 456 new ones.
15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard
from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits
from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to
redo program from scratch.
18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
19. See step 2
-----
Chicken Types
NT Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody
noticed.
Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it
still tastes like ... chicken.
Microsoft Chicken (TM):
It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
OOP Chicken:
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road ...
C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on
the other side.
VB Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one
to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)
Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Newton Chicken:
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the
road in your pocket !
Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid
nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until
you observe it on the side of your choice.
Lotus Chicken:
Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do !
Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so
there's no way to tell it to.
Al Gore Chicken:
Waiting for completion of NCI (Nation Chicken-crossing Infrastructure) and
will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming he's re-elected and the
Republicans don't gut the program.
COBOL Chicken:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
-----
Here are some more "scientific" facts by kids.
Material accumulated by teachers.
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house
increasing the population.
- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold
water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the
top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get
our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
constipated authorities
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until
it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at
the top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up
the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the
winter.
-----
bumper stickers
Visualize Whirled Peas
I love animals, they taste great!
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Assassins do it from behind.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
-----
>From The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said:
Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty?
- CIA memo introduced during the Westmoreland/CBS libel suit
The telephone company is urging people to *please* not use the telephone
unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for
emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a
pair of Phil Collins tickets to caller number 95.
- a Los Angeles radio DJ shortly after the Northridge earthquake
Are you any relation to your brother Marv?
- Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator
Even if he was mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people
and lawyers. Don't they deserve some representation on the court?
- Senator Roman Hruska (R-Neb.), defending Judge Harold Carswell, the
first Nixon nominee for the Supreme Court, against charges that he was
mediocre
I told you to make one longer than the other, and instead you have made
one shorter than the other.
- Sir Boyle Roche, British statesman
Here lies Captain Ernst Bloomfield. Accidentally shot by his orderly,
March 2nd, 1879. Well done, good and faithful servant.
- inscription on grave marker in northwest Pakistan
I didn't inhale.
- Bill Clinton answering rumors that he had smoked marijuana
If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave.
- Gerald Ford
I'm not indecisive. Am I indecisive?
- Jim Scheibel, mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass - and
I'm just the one to do it.
- a Texas congressional candidate
It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.
- Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated in Japan
The exports include thumb screws and cattle prods, just routine items for
the police.
- Commerce Department spokesman on regulation allowing the export of
various products abroad
Sure, It's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of
something else anyway.
- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane
Outside of all the murders, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country.
- Mayor Marion Brady, Washington D.C.
-----
Subject: A letter from the Smithsonian Institute
Ok, the story behind this... There's this nutball who digs things out his
back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute,
labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual
archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that
this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institute from when he
sent them a Barbie doll head.
------------
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D,
layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given
this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you
that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of
the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago."
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll,
of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be
the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of
thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain
that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were
loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel
that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might
have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with
the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating
Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the
evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into
too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog
has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request
to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load
our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon
dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the
best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and
carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we
must also deny your request that we approach the National Science
Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your
specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your
proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name
you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be
Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it
is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work
you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our
Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of
the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the
entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly
anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your
last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We
are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a
structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex
femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty
9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
-----
Prison vs Work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that
one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside
bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work, we have managers.
-----
The Original Version (Reality)
The ant busts his butt in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper
thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or
shelter so he dies out in the cold.
The New Liberal Version (Media Version)
It starts out the same. However, when winter comes, the shivering
grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant
should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and
starving. CBS, CNN, NBC, and ABC report this and show pictures of the
shivering grasshopper next to film of the ant in his comfortable home
with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can it be, in a country of such wealth, that this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAGB (The National Association of Green
Bugs) shows up on Night Line and charges the ant with "Green Bias" and
makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of
greenism. Kermit the frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and
everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and
Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS evening news
and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for
the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those
who benefited unfairly during the summer, or as Bill refers to it, the
"Temperatures Of The 80's." Finally the EEOC drafts the "Economic
Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" RETRO-ACTIVE to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs
and having nothing left to pay his Retro-Active taxes, his home is
confiscated by the government.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits
of the ant's food. The government house he's in -- which just happens to
be the ant's old house -- crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to
maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the
grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, Bill Clinton is
standing before a wildly applauding audience announcing that a new era of
"fairness" has dawned in America.
-----
These are some of the error messages produced by Apple's MPW C compiler. They
are all real. (If you must know I was bored one afternoon and decompiled the
String resources for the compiler.)
"String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters; that's 3
more than ANSI said I should)"
"...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default
labels inside a switch statement'"
"A typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your
program"
"You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with
the IRS, or satisfy this compiler"
"This struct already has a perfectly good definition"
"type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I
know you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)"
"Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says
so, that's why)"
"Huh?"
"Can't go mucking with a 'void *'"
"We already did this function"
"This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block
containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with
an initializer AND your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole
error message"
"Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me
suspicious"
"Too many errors on one line (make fewer)"
"Symbol table full -- fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade
from your local Apple dealer"
-----
Way back in the lands of Old there were 3 warring factions.
The first was a large kingdom with a large army consisting
of many knights and squires. The second was equally large
with a similar army. However the third consisted of but one knight
and his squire. This knight embellished the symbol of the kingdom
on his shield, which appeared to be a kettle, suspended from a
thick rope tied to the tallest tree in all the kingdom. These three
factions fought long and hard till all the knights were dead. In fact,
they were forced to send the squires out into battle. When all the
din of battle was over there was but one victor. The single squire of
the smallest kingdom had overcome all the others.
Historians have learned from this that :
The Squire of the High-Pot-in-Noose is equal to
the sum of the squires of the other two sides!
-----
1st Greek guy: Euripides?
2nd Greek guy: Yeah...Eumenides?
-Conversation overheard in an Athenian tailor shop.
-----
So Roy Rogers, aside from being a horseback rider, was also an active hiker.
He spared no expense when outfitting himself and this extended to the
expensive walking shoes he had just purchased. While out breaking them in on
a walk down the Grand Canyon, he was attacked by a crazed mountain lion. The
ferocious feline bit into Roy's ankle and proceeded to bite and claw while
Roy kicked at the beast in a vain attempt to dislodge the creature's grasping
maw. Finally Roy was able to pull out his revolver, take aim, and kill the
mountain lion; However his pants were ripped and his expensive walking shoes
destroyed. Roy decided to stuff the dead mountain lion as a souvenir of that
fateful day in the canyon. One morning soon after, Dale Evans passed by his
study where the mountain lion was now mounted on the wall and asked, "Pardon
me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
-----
Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction?
Optimist:
The glass is half full.
Pessimist:
The glass is half empty.
Futurist:
The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.
Pascal (Delphi) programmers:
Well, what type of milk is it?
C Programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.
Assembly programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.
Basic programmers:
No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.
MIS:
I'LL DRINK IT IF YOU CAN GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR.
Fuzzy logic guys:
I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.
Prolog programmers:
I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.
Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when
nobody was looking.
UI designers: ?What's that crap in my glass?
Pentium users:
I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.
Windows users:
Where's my straw?
Mac users:
Where's my pump?
UNIX users:
Nahh . . . too easy.
Multimedia author:
Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!
19> Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.
18> Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.
17> Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
16> Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpool.
15> No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.
14> Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.
13> LA to Vegas in 2 nanoseconds.
12> You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole
driving home from work.
11> You'll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal
stripes.
10> That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.
9> Kid from Mentos commercial almost guaranteed to lose a limb if
he tries to duck through back seat.
8> Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in Quantum Physics.
7> Bugs never see you comin'.
6> You can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5> Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan "It's there
before you order or it's free!"
4> Car makes it from Hollywood to London fast enough to not arouse
suspicions of Elizabeth Hurley.
3> License plate: "Me=mc2"
2> Cigarette butts don't land in the backseat -- they
land in last week!
and the Number 1 Cool Thing About a Car that
Goes Faster than the Speed of Light...
1> Chicks dig it.
-----
----------------------
22 WAYS TO ANNOY
----------------------
1. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
2. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
3. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.
4. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV
and then pointing it at the screen.
5. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
6. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and
announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
7. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch
paper, 99 copies.
8. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
9. Sniffle incessantly.
0. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
11. Name your dog "Cat".
12. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all
weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
13. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your
"astronaut training".
14. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your
neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
15. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch
with a can of Lysol.
16. Practice making fax and modem noises.
17. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy
them to your boss.
18. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if
people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
19. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
neighbors you are a "spider person".
20. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
21. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge
across the room.
22. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
-----
Here's a valuable tutorial for those of you travelling to and from
Minneapolis.
HOW COLD IS IT?
An annotated thermometer
(degrees Fahrenheit)
+50
* New York tenants turn on the heat
* Minnesotans plant gardens
+40
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Minnesotans sunbathe
+35
* Italian cars don't start
+32
* Distilled water freezes
+30
* You can see your breath
* You plan a vacation in Florida
* Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
* Minnesotans eat ice cream
+25
* Boston water freezes
* Californians weep pitiably
* Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
+20
* Cleveland water freezes
* San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
* Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts----Hell YEAH!!!
+15
* You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
* Minnesotans go swimming
+10
* Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* Too cold to snow
* You need jumper cables to get the car going
0
* New York landlords turn on the heat
-5
* You can hear your breath
* You plan a vacation in Hawaii
-10
* American cars don't start
* Too cold to skate
-15
* You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Miamians cease to exist
* Minnesotans lick flagpoles
-20
* Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens
-25
* Too cold to kiss
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* Japanese cars don't start
* Minnesota Twins head for spring training
-30
* You plan a two-week hot bath
* Bock beer production begins
* Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
-38
* Mercury freezes
* Too cold to think
* Minnesotans button top button
-40
* Californians disappear
* Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* Minnesotans put on sweaters
-50
* Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window
* Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60
* Walruses abandon Aleutians
* Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
* Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-70
* Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
* Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI
-80
* Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
* Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-90
* Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
* Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer
-100
* Santa Claus abandons North Pole
* Minnesotans pull down earflaps
-173
* Ethyl alcohol freezes
-445
* Superconductivity
-452
* Helium becomes a liquid
-454
* Heck freezes over
-456
* Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90
-458
* Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution
-460 (Absolute Zero)
* All atomic motion ceases
* Minnesotans allow as to how it's getting a mite nippy
-----
12 Tips from Junior Employees to Senior Managers on:
How to Enhance their Relationship:
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and
then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It
gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't
open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is
the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that
could cost me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them
down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer
to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's
nice to know someone is less fortunate.
-----
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM
1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
_________________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
______________________________________________________
17. If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.
________________________________________________________________
18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__
-----
Top 11 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Technical Support.
11. "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10. "So, what are you wearing?"
9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3
if you're with the FTC."
6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of
duct tape, and a car battery."
5. "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."
4. "In laymans's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates's attorney."
-----
Driving Identifiers:
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
Boston
One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone in lap, brick on
accelerator: California*
*with gun also in lap: L.A.
Both hands on top of wheel, one foot on brake, watching pedestrians cross
against the light: San Francisco
One hand on the wheel, one hand drumming (with drum stick) on the dash
board, Lap top on top of the Dashboard, left foot tapping, right foot on
the accelerator, head bobbing from side to side: Silicon Valley,
listening to KEZR
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
Ohio, but driving in Boston.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat: Italy
Both hands praying to Gates, knee on wheel, cradling cell phone in lap,
foot on brake, mind on Win95 GUI: Seattle
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their
own or another's car: Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving a
gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for
landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any
bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado
resident on spotting a car with New York plates
-----
Let me tell you about Colorado drivers...
No matter what they are like at home, in used bookstores, Starbuck's
coffee shops, or town hall meetings [thinking of newer and more
restrictive legislation], Colorodans turn into the Terminator when
they get into a vehicle, usually a 4x4. Contrary to popular belief,
we don't get that much snow in Denver itself. Tons of it fall in
the mountains but Denver usually gets a light dusting, which
consequently melts by afternoon, just in time to freeze back into
ice by evening. 4x4's may get one out of a mud bog but four wheels
spinning out of control is no better than two; And an out of control
4x4 is quite a bit larger than most Hondas.
Here is a list of things wrong with our roads in Denver, followed by
a list of aggressive manoeuvers performed by 4x4 drivers on these
same roads.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Lots of pot holes, cracks, and grooves. Since Denver weather
changes so fast and often the constant freezing and thawing destroys
our roads at record pace.
2. Lots of ice. It's almost always warm enough in the day time to
melt any snow and almost always cold enough at night to freeze it
again.
3. Lots of rocks. The highway department seems to think that if they
put enough rocks on the ice people will slow down to avoid getting
there windscreens shattered. They are mistaken.
4. No reflectors or painted lane lines. Reflectors rise above the
surface of the road and are subject to premature removal by snow
plows. The lane lines get sanded away in the same fashion.
5. No lights. I don't know why this is the case but highway
planners seem to feel all the other obstacles are easier to avoid
when doing so in pitch blackness.
6. No street signs. If you don't know where you are, you're
obviously not from here so you might as well leave.
7. No north/south or east/west designation on addresses. Yes, it's
true, 18000 [East] Colfax and 18000 [West] Colfax are about thirty
miles apart, but if you don't know where you're going...well, see #6.
8. Exit signs after the off ramp. This provides the owners of 4x4's
the chance to test their suspension as they plow over the median at
80mph to make the off ramp they just missed since there are no
lights [see #5].
9. Speed limits are in mph but microbrews are sold in metric
measurements. This causes confusion among the many beer
connoisseurs [who also happen to be the 4x4 owners]. After a couple
a beers, they forget that 500ml divided by 10 and multiplied by 6
does not equal 300 mph.
10. The roads are too narrow. Since the roads are permanent and
can't be widened, people bought extra wide 4x4's to compensate for
this oversight.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now the top ten aggressive manoeuvers of 4x4 owners:
1. Your sitting at an intersection, turn signal on, waiting to turn
right. You can't squeeze your Honda through the three feet of space
between the cars in front of you and the curb. 4x4 drivers view
this as hogging the road. Sufficient room for a right turn is
considered to be the width of their all purpose heavy duty tires.
The rest of the vehicle can use the sidewalk.
2. You, being a native of Colorado, know the secret location of the
highway exits and are in the process of using one. Suddenly, a 4x4
owner who has passed the off-ramp decides to take a short cut down
the 45 degree inclined grass median which is covered with snow and
rocks. The fact that 4-wheel drive only helps if the wheels are
touching the ground doesn't deter him.
3. Your are approaching a merge and are two hundred meters ahead of
the closest car behind you. But he is bigger than you and according
to a little known statute in the Colorado Civil Code, right of way
is directly proportional to the mass of your vehicle. Honda drivers
must anticipate the impending action of the 4x4 and let him pass.
4. During winter storms it is often the case that only the highway
itself is plowed while leaving the shoulder of the road cover with
snow. The is done to provide 4x4 owners a "high speed lane" with
which to bypass all the Hondas doing 15mph due to icy road
conditions.
5. Since, as stated before, there are no lane lines, 4x4 owners have
come up with an ingenious mathematical solution; They drive down the
middle of the road figuring that statistically they will be in each
lane an equal amount of time.
6. Speed is inversely proportional to the weather. Sunny days are
for picnics, friends, and beer. Why ruin a nice afternoon by
driving over 40mph? The people in the hundred or so cars behind you
probably don't want to go to work that much anyway. Better to wait
until the road is covered in ice and 75mph winds are buffeting your
vehicle before you do any serious speeding.
7. "Yield", in Denveronics, means "Floor it" in Standard American
English. As long as you can navigate the turn such that you are hit
from behind, the fault will be the other driver's who didn't take
the time to learn the local dialect.
8. Spontaneous Lane Generation. "Right Turn Only" lanes are for the
purpose of getting out of state drivers off the road to make room
for the 4x4 owners. Having accomplished this the available lanes
for speeding have been increased by 50%.
9. Highways are expensive so Denver natives like to utilize every
square foot of space. If you leave 1/2 a car length between
yourself and the car in front, you can be sure an 4x4 will force his
way in so as to maximize the surface area usage of the road.
and finally my personal favorite...
10. Xeno's Paradox of left turn arrows. If the car in front of you
makes the turn in X amount of time, you can make the turn in X/2
amount of time, and the car behind you can make it in (X/2)/2 amount
of time. With this approach the light will never actually turn
green for the oncoming traffic and head-on collisions will be
averted.
-----
THE ENGINEER'S SONG
(SUNG TO THE TUNE OF THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES)
Come listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "they'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
VAX that is ... CRT's ... Workstations;
Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Arizony is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee,
Motorola that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks;
On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory;
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six",
Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life;
Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life had slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Downsized ... Unemployed ...
(Author Unknown)
-----
The Top 16 Least-Known Urban Legends
16> And when the couple gets home from their date and gets out of
the car, there, dangling from the car door, is the severed...
SPEAKER FROM THE DRIVE-IN MOVIE!!!
15> Large bands of politicians roaming the sewers of Washington after
being flushed down the toilet by voters.
14> Cool Whip, at the right temperature, is an effective contraceptive.
13> The Yuppie, the Suitcase Full of Cash Left in a Taxi, and the
Ethical Dilemma
12> The ghost of Keith Richards can still be seen performing with the
Stones.
11> Not only are the models in the Victoria Secrets catalog all really
men, so is Victoria herself.
10> Penny Marshall and Rosie O'Donnell actually seen shopping at K-Mart.
9> Overweight tabby straps jet engine to its back in futile attempt
to catch mice.
8> Michael Jackson's secret "reverse identical twin" whose skin gets
darker and darker each year.
7> If you look in the background of a particular scene from "Three Men
and a Baby", you can see the dying film careers of Ted Danson, Steve
Guttenberg, and Tom Selleck.
6> The original "Dr Pepper" was actually a proctologist.
5> The "Good Times" Hoax - Frightening rumor that Jimmy "J.J." Walker
will star in a movie version of the bad 70's sitcom.
4> "Frosty" the frozen wino.
3> The Prom Queen who got home just fine, but was a little parched.
2> After hours of being clubbed by the LAPD, a homely man was actually
"beaten handsome."
and the Number 1 Least-Known Urban Legend...
1> That really high note on Mariah Carey's last single? A cat being
strangled.
-----
A gadget freak spots a well-dressed gentleman walking down the street one day,
carrying a briefcase and speaking into his watch. He just *has* to stop and
ask, "Is that really a wristwatch telephone?!"
"Yes -- it's the latest technology from . They aren't available to the general public yet."
"Wow, that's great! I've gotta have it! Will you sell it to me?"
The other man is reluctant, but finally agrees to sell the wristwatch phone for
$800.00.
The gadget freak proudly straps on the watch and starts to walk away, when the
other man hoists up the briefcase and says, "Wait! Don't forget the battery!"
-----
The Top 16 Signs Your Inner Child is Unhappy
16> Hasn't touched your inner trainset for days.
15> Spends all day sulking in your lower intestine.
14> You've stopped shouting "Wheeeee!" on the elevator at work.
13> Joins an inner gang and goes wilding through your pancreas.
12> You attempt to overdose on a lethal combination of J&B and M&M's.
11> When you try to hug him, he pulls away and calls you a "pathetic
codependent loser."
10> When your boss calls you incompetent, you reply: "I know you are, but
what am I?"
9> Has been sulking since you refused to buy that Power Ranger doll.
8> Constantly whacking the holy heck out of the inner puppy you gave him for
his birthday.
7> You keep getting thrown out of bars for ordering Lucky Charms and Milk.
6> Primal scream portion of "Bert and Ernie's Anger Management Workshop"
has kept you up three nights in a row.
5> Sudden urge to knock your morning cappuccino and bagel onto the floor.
4> You discover you have an Inner Madonna carrying your Inner Child.
3> Says she can't wait until she's 18 so she can "get the heck outta this
dump."
2> You keep your therapist at bay with a Lego Uzi until gummi bear ransom
is delivered.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Inner Child is Unhappy...
1> Hires an inner lawyer and slaps your butt with a $40 million inner
lawsuit.
-----
The Day The Service Died
[Sung to the tune of "American Pie"]
A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.
I can't remember if I cried
When I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.
*** REFRAIN ***
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
*** ======= ***
Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.
Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.
It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.
*** REFRAIN ***
Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be
When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.
And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown
The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.
And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.
*** REFRAIN ***
Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free.
And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch* a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography *
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down
They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!
And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.
*** REFRAIN ***
Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer's fees.
But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free
Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.
"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."
"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.
*** REFRAIN ***
Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.
Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.
But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.
And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.
*** REFRAIN ***
I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.
And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...
And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.
And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.
And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.
-----
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you."
-----
Ponderables:
1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn; where does baby oil come from?
3. When a cow laughs, does milk come up it's nose?
4. How did the fool and his money GET together?
5. How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
6. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
7. What's another word for thesaurus?
8. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
10. Why do kamikaze pilots bother to wear helmets?
11. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
12. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
13. Do blind eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs?
14. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
15. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
16. If you shoot a mime - should you use a silencer?
17. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
18. If Barbie is so dang popular, why do you have to buy all of her
friends?
19. Do babies think adults are cute?
20. If you ate your own foot - would you lose weight?
-----
If I had a clone who developed a bad habit for profanity, and I pushed
him over, then I would have made an obscene clone fall.
-----
Preacher's best joke in Sunday's sermon:
Grandma was taking care of her eight year old grandchild. Grandchild
asks grandma how old she is, and grandma refuses to tell her claiming
that ladies her age just don't disclose this kind of information.
Later, grandma finds grandchild on her bed with the contents of
grandma's purse strewn all about. Child is holding grandma's drivers
license in her hand. "Grandma, I know how old you are. You are 76."
"Yes, child, how did you figure that out?" "I subtracted your birthdate
on the license from this year, and figured it out." "Well, that is good
arithmetic, and now its time to put everything back in my purse."
"One more thing, grandma, I noticed that you failed at sex."
-----
BUMPER STICKERS ON THE LOOSE:
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic
particles."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
-----
The Top 15 Things Overheard at the
Knighthood Ceremony of Paul McCartney
15> "And now, for the lighting of the ceremonial bong..."
14> "I always knew the Walrus wasn't Paul. I just didn't think it
was the Queen."
13> "So, I suppose he's not really dead, then?"
12> "We had intended to knight Mrs. Paul, for her work in
delicious fish sticks, but I suppose you will do."
11> "Yoko, showing up here stoned and naked is one thing, but we
simply can't let you sing at the reception."
10> "Ladies and Gentlemen: Mac the Knight!"
9> "Her Majesty requesteth that Sir Paul refraineth from bogarting
the joint."
8> "Do you still like me, will you still knight me, now that I'm
sixty-four?"
7> "I dunno, I kinda thought there'd be more jousting and stuff."
6> "Guest hosting for the Queen tonight -- Jay Leno!"
5> "Some people wanna fill the world with silly knighthoods."
4> "This is a travesty! -- Huh? 'Sir Paul?' Oh, sorry. I
thought you said, 'RuPaul'."
3> "I'm sorry ladies and gentleman. Her Majesty regrets to
inform you tonight's knighthood ceremony will be delayed
until Sir Paul clears customs at Heathrow."
2> "Get the catering staff in here -- Sir Paul's dentures fell
into the punch bowl!"
1> "RUN!! Linda's going to sing!!"
-----
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
I don't have a license to kill, but I have a learner's permit.
On the other hand, you also have five fingers.
You are a redneck if you've ever vacationed at a rest stop.
Windows is not a virus. Viruses do something.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither have I.
Microsoft Windows 95: Proof that P. T. Barnum was right.
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed.
Computer Science: Solving today's problems tomorrow.
All mathocists suffer from calculust.
Good tech support is a scream saver.
Hardware: The parts of a computer that can be kicked.
Why Johnny Can't Read: Now available on VHS tape.
-----
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice
ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the
money.
Many people had tried over time ( weight lifters,
longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this
scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd
like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,
grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man But the
crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man
clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into
the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and
asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are
you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied," I work for the IRS."
-----
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a workstation........
-----
A poll conducted among INFOCUS readers had established "waka" as the
proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters < and >, though
some readers held out resolutely for "norkies."
The text of the poem follows:
<>!*''#
^"`$$-
!*=@$_
%*<>~#4
&[]../
|{,,SYSTEM HALTED
The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:
Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.
-----
The TOP 50+ GEEK T-SHIRT SLOGANS
--------------------------------
1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10. <-------- The information went data way --------
11. Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
17. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
31. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate
errors.
42. Press -- to continue ...
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
55. Go ahead, make my data!
-----
... How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace ...
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for
lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the
meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be "Zena, Goddess-Of-Fire@companyname.com"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries
with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about
the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a
co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all
present.
Come to work in your pajamas.
Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point, Spanky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to
disagree with you there, Chachi."
Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports
that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's
Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.
For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
Grow mold in your coffee cup.
Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk
in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I
think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into
your daytimer.
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since
you did this.
Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.
Email nude gifs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell
them you got them off the Internet.
Hang mistletoe over your desk.
Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note, I'm
feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased
to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."
Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as
special treats for your co-workers.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try
to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the
fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you
can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the coffee
room. When people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your
stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then
start planting pizzas.
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume
that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.
-----
Subject: ending sentences with prepositions
A little boy is upstairs in bed. His father comes upstairs with a book in
hand. The little boy says "What did you bring that book that I don't like
to be read to from out of up for?"
-----
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: 1,331:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail
list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light
bulbs and how the light bulb could have been
changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about
the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness
to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and
to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing
light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we
are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts
**are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light
bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,
what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of
different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and
to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that
are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs
relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
them including all headers and footers, and then
add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing
because they cannot handle the light bulb
controversey.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion
was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
-----
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
- Oscar Levant
-----
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is
leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and
says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good
in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if
you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're
in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when
I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang
Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was
going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this
chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk,
and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a
studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I
walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around
me.
So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with
the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave
this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged
animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
-----
Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in
their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt
where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most
blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary,
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges
that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he
must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have
some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your
arm and head for the bathtub:
-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to
bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a
very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I
recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass
doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain
will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain
quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and
know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked
into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army
helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for
a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on
your back in the water.
-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly,
as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually
notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as
a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking
part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into
the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of
your life.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and
the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for
more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you
must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.
He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing
himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't
expect too much.)
-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the
drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's
because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You
simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait.
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your
army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him
loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is
drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the
cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
-----
You know you're no longer a kid when...
Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.
Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
Being bad is no longer cool.
You have friends who have kids.
Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
Your parents' jokes are now funny.
You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Christmas starts to piss you off.
You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is
not there to do your laundry anymore.
Two words: parachute pants
Naps are good.
Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
You have onced deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".
When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.
You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.
You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
You WANT clothes for Christmas.
You don't want a Camaro becuase of the insurance premiums.
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You've bought an album on vinyl.
You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
-----
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood he started shouting out in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the
captain's parrot.
One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on
a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went
on for days and days.
After a week the parrot finally spoke, "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
-----
Three lawyers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference. At
the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three
lawyers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer.
They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all
three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The MBAs saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the MBAs decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and
save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to
the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the lawyers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer.
When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a restroom and the
three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly
afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
Ticket, please."
-----
During Operation Desert Story, Gen. Schwartzkopf was walking about in the
Kuwaiti desert, and stumbled across something in the sand. Uncovering it,
he found an old lamp. He took the lamp back to his tent and proceeded to
polish it up, out pops a Genie.
The Genie thanked Schwartzkopf for releasing him from imprisonment, and
told him that he would grant him any wish that he desired. The General
thought for a moment and then unrolled a map of the Middle East onto the
table. He explained to the Genie about the wars that had been ravaging
the region, and his only wish was for peace in the Middle East. The Genie
responded that his ancestors had been working on this project for
thousands of years to no avail. The Genie's now considered the matter
entirely hopeless.
He asked Gen. Schwartzkopf if he could grant him another wish instead.
Schwartzkopf thought for a moment and finally said that he wished the
Chicago Cubs could win the World Series.
The Genie pondered this for a moment, and then said "Well, why don't we
take another look at that map?!?!"
-----
Dogs - New Crossbreeds
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
-----
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the
young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on
the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years
say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
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