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Disciplining Toddlers: Problems and a few solutions

(just some suggestions; I'm not an expert by any means!!)

You yell at your child.

1. Yelling can make your child scared or more excited and more likely to continue acting up, plus it sets a bad example. Whatever the case, realize that yelling hurts your child and your relationship with your child.
2. Try speaking more quietly instead of more loudly when you start to feel angry -- but beware of substituting a "mean" tone of voice in place of the yelling. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1
3. Instead of yelling, ask for a hug.
4. Take time to cool off... count to ten, take a time out, breathe deeply, pray. How will you be able to teach your child to calm down when they are upset when you can't do the same? (I say this because my daughter and I both have a hard time calming down sometimes.)

Your child wants to play with/touch something that is off limits...

1. Babyproofing will help make your house safer and less frustrating to your toddler.
2. Try to use alternatives to "no" when possible. For instance, use try using descriptive words. . . if your child wants to touch the hot faucet, say, "Hot!" or "Ouch!" Some parents say, "Stop!" Sometimes we tell our toddler, "This is not a toy," or "This is not for Calvin." (Offer your child something he *can* touch.)
3. Carol Anne shares these ideas: The one that really worked for us (in the "no touch" category) is "smell it"..... came about with the Christmas tree when our daughter was a year old. Now she smells everything -- just to see if it even has a smell! Until recently, "not for babies" was our other "not No" that worked well.
4. Mary K. shares this idea: I just wanted to share with you one of the best pieces of advice I ever received on teaching a toddler not to touch. My sister told me to tell my daughter to put her hands behind her back instead of telling her no all the time. This enabled her to lean forward and really study an object and seemed to really help get rid of that urge to touch it. At first I had to remind her constantly, "put your hands behind your back," but it quickly became an automatic thing. She's six now and I still catch her looking at things in the store with her little hands behind her back. It sure beats saying "No" all the time.
5. Distract them. This is kind of like changing the subject. "Hey, take a look over here. Isn't this cool?"
6. Offer them an alternative that is similar to the desired object. If they want to play with your breakable glass snow globe, offer them a child's plastic snow globe.
7. Sometimes an object is high enough that a child can't reach it, but is so desirable to your child that they get very upset that they can't have it; if offering alternatives or distractions don't work, consider putting the object away in a closet or room where they can't see it so it doesn't continue to make them upset.
8. Give your child a special drawer or cupboard in the kitchen full of toys--perhaps measuring cups, plastic plates, cups, spoons, etc.--your child can play with while you are in the kitchen. This can work for other parts of the house, too... for instance, if there is a bookcase with books your child likes to take out and throw on the floor, offer him a shelf on the bookcase with books and toys of his own "You cannot play with these books, but this is your shelf, and you can play with the books on this shelf."
9. Sometimes it can help if you let your child touch something under your guidance. Show him how to touch things gently. You can say, "Gentle touches," and demonstrate. Sometimes I used to tell our daughter, "Just touch." I had taught her that meant she could reach out her index finger and gently touch the object (that way she couldn't grab it, but could satisfy some curiosity). Reach out your index finger out to the object and thus help your child remember how to touch (not grab) the object; perhaps draw their attention to the texture of the object, "Feel how bumpy (or smooth) this is."

Your child doesn't want to leave or stop a certain activity when it's time to stop.

1. Give your child a "warning" before making them change activities. "Ellen, we will have to leave in a couple minutes." Sometimes we count to ten... "You can play with that until the count of ten," or "It'll be time to get out of the bathtub when I count to ten." We count to ten, and she is usually ready to go on to the next activity (this took a little while for her to learn, but it has been really helpful for us.) Now that our daughter is older (three), Ellen sometimes enjoys counting along with us. Or you could use a timer.
2. Encourage your toddler to say "bye-bye." It seems to give them a sense of closure. If they have to stop playing with a certain toy, for example, try waving your hand at the toy and telling your child, "Say bye-bye to the car." Or, "Say bye-bye to the ball."
3. Don't bribe, but you can tell them something fun they can do after they do what you've asked. "After you clean up your toys, we will go for a walk in the park." (And help them clean up.)

Your child hits you.

1. Tell them hitting hurts and that hitting people is not allowed. "We don't hit people." (Suggestion... try not to overreact when you say, "Ouch!!" or your child may think it's funny and do it again for your reaction. :-/)
2. Depending on the situation and a child's ability to understand, offer him your hand so he can give you a "high-five" or give him something else to hit, like a pillow. . . "You cannot hit me, but you can hit this pillow."
3. Teach your children to "use their words" instead of acting wrongly to get their way. Instead of hitting, maybe they can say, "I'm mad." "You've hurt my feelings."
4. NEW!! Sandra shares these ideas: One thing a friend of mine started showing me when her little girl started hitting her was to grab both her hands and start playing patty-cake. This has worked for me a few times, as well as just giving my son a big bear hug and saying, "We don't hit with our hands, we hug."
5. Set a good example and don't hit or slap your child or in front of your child--whether under the guise of discipline or in a joking manner. For instance, some people might tell someone, "Oh, you're being silly," and then "playfully" punch that person on the shoulder. Some people "playfully" give their child a slap on the rump.
6. Be careful of what your child watches on tv.
7. Choose his playmates carefully.
8. Sometimes your child might need a little "**insert child's name*** time" or some "quiet time." This should not be a time to make him feel bad or to punish him, but instead the goal is to diffuse an explosive situation and help your child calm down. If he is a child who likes routine, he may appreciate doing the same thing each time in the same place, but don't make a list of rules that he must follow during his quiet time. Your toddler might just like to sit in your lap and cuddle; a nursing toddler might like to snuggle and nurse. How about a book? If he would enjoy a little time alone, that can be a good choice sometimes, but don't leave him alone to cry and be angry, and don't leave him alone if he is scared. As he gets older, help him create a special, comfortable place with calming activities (perhaps drawing paper and crayons, play dough, books) where he can go when he starts feeling upset. Be sure to go with him if he needs your presence.
9. If your toddler continues hitting you, consider holding him in your arms until he is able to stop himself. Let him be angry and let him cry to get his anger out. Tell him, for example, "It's all right to be angry, but I can't let you hurt me when you are angry. I will let you go when you can stop yourself from hitting me." Assure him that you love him and are there for him. Perhaps kneel down behind your child and hug him, putting your arms around his arms so he can't hit you and putting gentle pressure down on his shoulders so he can't kick you.

Won't stop throwing a toy

1. Try distracting techniques. . . get him interested in something else (and if necessary, quickly hide the toy).
2. If it's a ball your child is throwing, and you don't want him to throw it inside, say, "We throw balls outside; inside we roll them," and show him what you mean.
3. Give them an alternative toy that they can throw, perhaps a bean bag or a scarf. "You can't throw that, but you can throw this."
4. Show your children acceptable ways to express their anger. Maybe they could hit a pillow (have a pillow fight with an older toddler!). Empathize and tell them "I can see that you are angry, but that toy is not for throwing. You may do **insert option** instead."
5. Teach them to "use their words." Instead of throwing a toy out of anger, maybe they can say, "I'm mad." "You've hurt my feelings." "It makes me angry when you **insert what makes them angry."
6. Explain to your child that he will not be able to play with that toy if he continues to throw it ("this toy will have to go bye-bye for awhile"--and offer an alternative). Put it away if he continues to throw it and take it out another day.

Misc.

1. If your child is hyper, resrict his tv viewing (or stop it all together).
2. Try to give your child an organized and clean house... don't obsess about it, but simplify as much as possible. Throw away or give away things you don't need anymore. Use baskets to help you organize and clean up quickly. Teach your child how to help.
3. If there is something that they have to do, simply politely tell them to do it. Try telling them "I need you to **insert what you need them to do**." Save the phrase, "Will you please ...?" for when they truly have a choice in the matter.
4. Don't nag. If they don't do it the first time, get up and help them. I've seen some parents yell at their kids across the room to do this or that. Then they ask their child again and again, and then finally the parent gets mad at their child and punishes them. :-/
5. Give your child lots of choices. For example, "Would you like to wear this dress or this dress today?"
6. If your child shares their feelings with you, respect and re-affirm their feelings.
7. Remember that *you* are the adult. You can't expect your child to be more mature than you are!
8. When your children are the least lovable, they need your love the most.

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