Why do I feel the need to be in love? I don’t understand it. I know I long for this happiness that’s supposed to come from a lasting relationship. But for some reason, with me it’s more than a longing. It’s a necessity. I just don’t get it.
You see, I decided recently that I need to be single for a while. I’ve realized that the last time I was really in love was about a year ago, and I’m still not really over it. So it’s probably best if I’m single for a while, especially since I don’t quite know what I want yet. But my problem is, as much as my head thinks it’s a good idea to be single, my heart is still searching. I wish I could get them to work together. Because I know the way I work. Once my head decides to give in to my heart, then my heart is going to decide it’s time to put up the walls and push the guy away... But that’s not the immediate problem of the moment.
Today’s problem is how to stay single when my heart is already trying to fall in love. Not that being in love is such a bad thing, but I really need to figure out what I want, and what my motivation for falling for this guy is. He’s sweet. He can even be charming. We have things in common. So why shouldn’t I be in love with him, you ask? Well, we have a history. And it’s not a very good one. It’s actually pretty bad. And being the hopeless romantic, I can easily push that aside and say "we were both in a bad place then, neither of us were ready for a relationship, blah blah blah..." but if I say that, it implies that I’m ready for a relationship NOW... am I? I’m not sure. Because although I’m starting to fall for him again, I’m not over my last boyfriend. If I’m honest, I’d have to say I’m still in love with him, even. And that makes me wonder if I really am, or if I just want somebody, or if I’m just falling back on my hopeless romantic moments and pushing all the bad history aside again. But if I’m talking about that with the last boyfriend, I might as well get back on the subject at hand.
So this guy from the past... I don’t know what to do about him. I do like him. I do think part of me is in love with him. Well, I know part of me is. But I don’t know how to handle that! Aside from our history, there are other problems. We do have things in common, but there are other things that we totally don’t have in common. Things that I’m into that he won’t ever understand. Things that he’s into that I’m determined not to even think about... and worst of all he’s not a Christian. So how can I even consider getting involved with him when my thoughts on it are "He’s going to have to change if we’re going to be serious." Shouldn’t that be enough of a red flag to keep me from even thinking about dating him? But for some reason, it’s not. My heart takes over and I want to date him anyway. (This is evidence to those of you who think that my head doesn’t even acknowledge the problems in a relationship. I DO know those problems exist. I just don’t pay much attention to them.)
So why do I have this loneliness that I feel can only be fulfilled by dating someone? Why is it that I feel like I should settle for a relationship that’s not what I want, just so I’ll have a relationship? Is it because the relationship that I want was what I had a year ago that was taken away from me? Probably. I still feel like God wants me to be with him. But then again, how am I going to know that it’s God and not my own wants and desires? I know, I know... I should pray about it. But see, I don’t know how to tell anymore. I thought I had information from God that I was supposed to be with him. I was CERTAIN of it. And then it was over. And I don’t know why God would tell me that I was supposed to be with him if I’m not... so I’m still drawn to him. Partially because I love him. Partially because I don’t want to think about the possibility of having misunderstood the message that I was so certain about. I’ve never been so sure before that something was from God. So how do I deal with it if I was wrong? I don’t know how to trust what I hear.
But the funny part is, I’m not too worried about it anymore. It’s just frustrating, not the end of the world. And I’m afraid of leading this other guy on. But I do love him. I just don’t know where to draw the line. Crazy, huh? Well, I’ve never denied being a high maintenance woman.

May 2002 - "What's Talent Got to Do With It?"

In my time riding in the car, sometimes I listen to the local pop radio stations. Listening to the radio can be very enlightening. One thing I've learned from listening to the radio is that the words "Shakira" and "Recording Contract" should NEVER have gone together.
Now I'm the first person to point out that the Bible says "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord" and doesn't specify whether that noise has to be pretty or not, but I think it's going a little overboard to give her thousands (that's putting it mildly, I'm sure) of dollars to make THAT noise...
I've got friends who disagree with me. They like to point out that the girl doesn't speak English, and her songs sound much better in Spanish. Well, look, I don't speak French or German or Italian, but when I sing songs in those languages, my technique doesn't change. So I think that if she actually sounded good in Spanish, she probably wouldn't sound like a muppet when she sings in English.
Am I being a little too harsh? Sorry. I don't mean to offend the muppets out there. I love Jim Henson, and I don't want to cause him to roll over in his grave. And actually most of the muppet songs that I've heard are easier to listen to than that noise Shakira makes... And at least the muppets don't sing about their breasts and stuff like that. I really don't need to hear about her chest. But I'm sure the record company bigwigs said she had to put those lyrics on the album to emphasize her body, so the listeners wouldn't think they were dumb enough to give her a recording contract based on her singing ability.
But I just don't get how having a good body makes a person worthy of a recording contract. I couldn't figure it out when Britney Spears became popular, but at least they digitize her voice enough that she sounds like she can sort of sing. What I don't understand is, why don't the record companies find someone who can sing and is decent looking, then let them use the money they make to get some make-overs... I mean, it might take a year or so, but if I had the money to have a personal trainer, and I was dancing around on a stage every day, even *I* would be able to have a body like Shakira.
I can't imagine that a sports team would last very long if it hired people because they looked good, regardless of how well they played. Or would a real estate company last if they hired the gorgeous, yet unqualified applicants? I think not. So why do these things continue in the performing arts? It just doesn't make any sense to me.

January 2002 - "What's Love Got to Do With It?"

I'm single. It's not so bad some of the time. I'd really like someone to cuddle with, but I don't have time for a full-fledged relationship, so I can't complain too much. However, what really annoys me is that single guys don't seem to have the ability to ask me out. I don't understand it. Every married guy I know tells me what a great wife I'm going to be, or that I'd make a great girlfriend, and they don't see why I haven't been snatched up yet.

But every single guy in the whole world seems to not be interested. They'll all flirt with me, but none of them are able to follow through with asking me out. I don't get it. I don't think *I* am doing anything wrong. I've tried all different tactics, from playing hard to get to basically throwing myself at guys. And it's not like I"m going for the wrong type of guy or something. The guys who are flirting are all different. They range in age from 19 to 37 (I'm 26, so that's okay). The only thing they all really have in common is that they flirt with me and they're nice guys, and I'd go out with them if they asked.

But my one stipulation is that I"m not going to ask them out. I've tried that in past relationships, and it never works out for me. I'm tired of being the one chasing the guy down. It's time for a guy to pursue ME. That's kind of a hard thing for me to stick with when guys don't seem to want to ask me out and I want a date, but I shouldn't settle for being with someone who doesn't realize that I'm worth the effort. And really, how much effort does it take to ask someone out? It's not like I'm some nasty person who will be mean if I don't want to go out with someone. I try to be nice and sweet most of the time. I wouldn't intentionally hurt someone's feelings, so there's no chance I'd tell anybody "Eeeeeeew! I don't want to go out with you! Just the thought of that disgusts me!"

So I just don't understand boys. I'm really starting to believe that when it comes to relationships, boys are just stupid. They go for the bitchy sexpot types. I'm not saying girls are any better, with the whole "bad boy" thing. But I'm not focusing on girls here. In case you haven't noticed, this message is about boys. So please don't come back at me with how stupid girls are. I won't argue. People in general are stupid about relationships. But there are exceptions to every rule, and I am trying to be an exception to the stupid girl rule. I'm just having no luck finding my exception to the stupid boy rule.

I thought I'd found him for a while. Now I think he was just a temporary exception. Then the stupidness came back with a vengance, and he decided that he never really loved me, he was just saying it because he thought it was what he was supposed to say. Then he decided that he didn't know whether he should stay with me or go back to his ex-girlfriend. So he lost his opportunity to be with me.

Now it seems like all I can get are non-dates. (That's my word for times when I go out to do something fun and date-like with a guy who could be someone I'd date, but only sees me as a friend who he can flirt with.) I had another non-date last night. It started out as a group thing, then ended up just being me and these two guys, both of whom were single and flirty, hanging out and watching movies. And still I came away with nothing. No future plans to get together with either guy. Neither one seems to be interested in me as anything more than a friend that they can flirt with. And it's not even affectionate flirting. I'll probably never even get to cuddle with either of them. *sigh*

Some of my married guy friends have told me that I intimidate boys because I know what I want. They've said that because I'm not willing to lower my values to find a guy I'd have to change, guys are afraid to ask me out. Because I have confidence in myself and what I'm doing with my life, and because I have changed lots fo things to make myself a better person, guys are intimidated. Why? Why is it scary to be with someone who has self-confidence? Do guys really want a naive little airhead who they can take care of and be in charge of? WHY? Why would you want to be with someone either has no life experience, or has life experience, but just hasn't learned from it? I can see not wanting to be with someone who is always right and has to have their way all the time. That's no fun. But I'm not that way. One of my friends told me that my ability to be sweet and innocent and dominating at the same time is what he thinks scares guys off. I don't see myself as dominating at all. But I guess I just don't understand boys.

Maybe I'm better off being single, until I find a boy that I can understand. Personally, I'd rather be single than be with someone who doesn't know what they want, anyway. But it'd really be nice if I had someone to cuddle with while I'm waiting for Mr. Right.

Thanks for letting me vent.
- Carrie