ANN'S STORY
Free At Last
by Ann Camber Written April 17,1997
Colossians 3:1- You have been raised to life with Christ so set your
hearts on the things that are in heaven,Keep your mind on these things
not on the things of earth. For you have died and your life is hidden
with Christ.
VS.8 But now you must rid yourself of all theses things, anger, passion,
and hateful feelings, vs13 And you must forginve one another as God has
forgiven you.
I write this today as a child of God, saved by the Grace of God and the
sacrifice of Jesus on the Cross. I also want to testify of the great
healing in my life as a result of realizing that my relationship with God
was all of worldly knowledge not a saving faith until just recently. The
18 inch difference I call it. Head knowledge vs heart knowledge.
I am
really a new creature in Christ. It has transformed my life and my walk
with Jesus. It has been wonderful.
So How did I come to this place in my life? This is what I wish to share
with you.
I have attended church all my life. I've always loved worship, I read
the Bible, prayed, even felt a calling to ministry. Yet through all of
this I have relied on my own strength to weather the stresses and strains
and challenges of this life. I continually needed affirmation that I was
a worthwhile person. I was driven to do good to make myself look good.
The events of the last two years in my life upset the balance so that I
could no longer rely on my own strength, yet when I called on God, I felt
no answer. I knew God was near, but couldn't grab His hand or reach Him.
The downward slide started in September 1995 when a disclosure of abuse
came forward in our family. I cannot go into detail, suffice it to say
the disclosure, investigation and eventual conviction of the
offender caused horrendous rifts within not only the family but the
community, some of which are still present.
Personally, as the whistle-blower, I was centered out for particularly
strong responses, which ranged from "you are a hero" to "you destroyed
the family". I felt neither. This was a no-win situation, but the abuse
had to stop and the healing begin.
As I felt more and more marginalized by this crisis in the family, other
losses piled up on me. I lost my job through downsizing, a job which I
had based alot of my identity and self worth. Being a transplant
coordinator involved actually saving lives and I loved it. It was
devastating.
The farmland Don and I had rented for over 20 years was taken from us and
rented to someone else for a much higher price we could never hope to
match.
The home we were in the process of buying in Saskatoon was lost
because of our uncertain situation in employment and finances.
The emotional loss of ties as we were rejected by some of the family who
were important to us. All our dreams came crashing down around us one
after another.
As all these losses piled up on me and my family, we all began to suffer
emotionally and spiritually. I chose to focus my distress and anger at
the offender. He was causing all this. I could never forgive him. It
was understandable but I knew it was wrong, so I added guilt to my
bitterness.
Things continued downhill so that I found myself fantasizing about dying.
I didn't want to kill myself just to maybe die in a car crash or the like. In
September I was shocked into reality when I actually rolled my car and
sustained injuries to my neck and back. I certainly didn't want to die
that way or experience that again. The pain and stiffness reminded me of
my brush with death.
I still actually thought that if I would die Don's family would accept
him again and his life and the life of my kids would be better.
I think things came to a head the last week in Febrary. I went to
the sentencing hearing in the sexual abuse case and heard all the details
of the abuse. I really plunged into anger when I saw some people still
caught up in denial of the horror of this abuse.
I couldn't eat, sleep, study or work effectively, I was on the edge of
tears most of the time I was stiff and sore and in constant pain in my
neck and back. Nothing was helping, prayer, reading the Bible,
counselling, I felt like I was in a dark tunnel with no light at the end
and no way out.
I was at this point when I attended the Order of St. Luke service in
Craik Feb. 27. I was leading the music but asked the healing team to
pray for me after the service. This began the process which brought full
healing 6 days later.
The day after the healing service, I went to a retreat. Here I thought
God would minister to me and I would be at peace. I was wrong. I spent
most of my time crying. During a rest in the afternoon, I dreamed a very
vivid dream. It was like God told me that I had to talk to Connie.
she will help you. In this dream she was trying to save my life, she was
throwing me a lifeline.
Now Connie is a friend of mine I had chatted with only a few times on the
Christian chat on the Internet so this seemed odd. We really hadn't much
contact. But this dream stuck with me. I went back to work on Monday and
Tuesday and found myself increasingly despairing. I finally got to the
point where on Wednesday after work I clicked on the the net and guess
who was on line..Connie. I told her I had to talk to her in a quieter
chat page and she agreed.
When we got to the quieter space I told her I was at the end. I couldn't
go on. I had prayed and found no peace, no hope for happiness ever.
Connie said she sensed there was a block between God and I. I had told
here a bit about my family situation and the abuse and she zeroed in on
the problem, I lacked forgiveness and I was bitter, angry and healing
could not happen until I repented and confessed this to Jesus. Then
peace would follow. I was ready to do anything to feel whole and I
agreed. So I began praying and the prayers gradually stripped away all
the strongholds before God. Connie prompted me as I prayed.
Its funny you would think in front of a computer screen, just typing, it
wouldn't have an effect on you, but my hands were shaking and I felt the
drawing of the Holy Spirit so strongly a couple of times I asked Connie
to pray for me because I thought I wouldn't be able to continue.
Once I had finished praying for forgiveness, Connie and I asked God to
enter my life in a new way and to bring peace and joy and love.
And guess what...IT HAPPENED. IMMEDIATELY. Although totally exhausted I
felt totally released, lifted and joyful, at peace for the first time,
closer to God and totally changed. I was healed.
This sense of joy lasted and I was almost on a "high" for days.
Connie and I met on chat a few days later and we were talking about the
wonderful change in my life. I asked her about her testimony and while
she told me, I realized that this experience was not just healing, but my
Salvation day. God became real to me that day. He had entered my heart
when I surrendered all to him. My faith had moved from my head to my
heart, and in the process I was totally healed of the despair, anger,
depression, and bitterness that characterized my life.
People immediately noticed the change in me, particularly Don, my husband
and Steven, my son. My moods totally changed and I had renewed energy. I
was also totally healed of the pain and stiffness in my neck and back. I
began to find prayer more enriching, Bible reading excited me in a new
way. I felt and still feel connected to God as I never was before.
From the moment of that prayer March 5th, I have never looked back. I
believe it all began with God honouring the prayer and my desire for
healing at that Order of St. Luke Service in Craik. I am truly blessed
with new life, new joy, new peace.
Some may find it difficult to understand how one can make a decision for
Christ on the internet chat pages. I am amazed too...but we can never
limit God can we? Some may find it hard to believe that someone who
attended church and was even attending seminary found a true relationship
for the first time with Jesus. Some may find it difficult to believe in
the power of healing prayer. But it all happened to me.
If you are a person who is facing family strife and rifts and can find no
peace..you can find peace in forgiveness. If you are someone who knows
Christ in your head but you aren't quite sure about whether you have
surrendered all. You can know Jesus in a new way. If you need physical
healing you can be restored. All you have to do is take the gift Christ
offers and ask.
When I think of the experience I've had I can relate to the healing Jesus
performed in Luke Chapter 5. A man who was paralysed was lowered down to
Christ from through the roof of a home. Christ had compassion and said
"Your sins are forgiven my friend"
and the man was healed.
I was paralysed by despair and now I am forgiven and healed by God in his
mercy.
I praise and Thank you Jesus for this work you have done in my life.
Amen.
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