LOVE LIFTED ME
The Conversion of an Atheist

I was raised in a very religious family, all members of the cult describing themselves as "The Church of Christ". Generations of my family had been caught up in that lie and I was no exception. As a child I went to church 3 times each week. My father was an "elder" and opened the building, making us the first to arrive and the last to leave. I hated going to church and, on one occasion (that of my father taking me outside for another spanking), threatened to burn the place down upon reaching adulthood. Like most of the children at church I reached a point, around age ten, that I knew I was lost.

Upon feeling conviction of this, I did what I had always been instructed to do; I went forward, confessed my "faith" in Jesus, and submitted to water baptism. I then began to try to live the life of a christian. I studied the Bible, tried not to sin, prayed for forgiveness when I did, and invited others to come to church. To all appearances I was a fine young christian man. At age 18, after "converting" my fiancee, I was even re-baptized; thinking that my first baptism may not have counted since my understanding at age ten may not have been sufficient.

I lived this way, a regular church-goer, until about age 30. By this time I had began to feel as though something was wrong with the "church", since it was having such a puny impact on the rest of the world. Seeing it taught that only its' own members would be saved, it appeared to me that God's plan of salvation was a failure and a joke. I began to seriously reflect upon my motives for attending church. I still hated going to church, but went out of fear of what God would do if I quit; I was also afraid of my mothers' finding out. Sermons bored me to tears, prayers were dry and empty, the whole thing began to look pathetic. As a man, I always had tried to distance myself from silly and foolish behavior and pursuits. As I began to see the "church" in this light, I made a conscious decision to quit. I decided that God did not exist and that a proper sense of honor should be the guiding principle upon which a man should live.

I stopped going to church for 11 years and did as I saw fit. Of course, my heart became extremely wicked. I gained more in the way of wealth and position than I had ever imagined I would. I had a good wife and children. The world had treated me very well indeed, and yet I found myself miserable. It seemed that nothing made me happy for long, and I began to worry about death and the grave. I was totally selfish and usually never bothered to think about other people at all. When I did consider others, I usually held them in contempt. It never occurred to me that my depression came from being lost. I didn't believe I was lost because I didn't believe in God. Although I admitted to nagging doubts, my belief was that the grave was the end. This prospect made me wish to cling to life, all the while being miserable with the life I had. I knew only extreme depression and hopelessness.

I was in this miserable condition when I chanced to visit my brother-in-law. We had been very close as children and had married sisters. We had grown rather distant over the years; a fact I attributed to his foolish persistence in believing in God and his mindless church attendance, which I was convinced had (his church that is) brain-washed him for the purpose of stealing what little money he had. I was sorry for the waste of what had promised to be a successful man, and decided to convert him to Atheism.

I remembered he was a member of some primitive and peculiar church so I began by asking if they were snake charmers. His quick denial prompted me to ask several more questions (tongues, faith healing, etc..), all designed to establish a basis for me to attack his beliefs as foolish dribble. I still had enough bible knowledge left over to prove the silliness of such beliefs. I finally resorted to insisting that he had once told me of some mysterious, miraculous experience, and would he please relate it. He was an old fashioned, Missionary Baptist, and he told me about being saved. I won't relate his experience except to say that he prayed for Jesus to save him for three solid years and that one day He did. I asked how he could possibly know that Jesus had saved him. He replied that Jesus had confirmed to his soul that He had forgiven his sins and that he KNEW ABSOLUTELY that he was saved and going to heaven. I found myself at a loss for words. I knew my brother-in-law was intelligent and anything but gullible. I was forced to consider that, since he would never lie about such a thing, he might actually have been saved in the manner related.

I returned home, a distance of 459 miles, and began to meditate about my life and what he had told me. After about 3 weeks, I began to pray that God would either lead me back to the "Church" (if it were right) or to save my soul if what my brother-in-law had said were true. I even visited a few local (modern) Baptist churches. They were not of any benefit to me since they never preached anything about salvation while I attended. I did talk privately to some of their pastors about salvation, but they spoke of "accepting Christ' or "committing to Christ" and when I asked about what my brother-in-law had said, they seemed to lack comprehension. Perhaps these pastors had also been "daubed with untempered mortar". I continued to attend, however, because it pleased me to see the shock on my wife's face (she had continued steadfastly to go to church and take my children) when I would dress for church and offer no explanation. I tried to remember to pray every night that God would save me.

On the 28th of January, 1997, I boarded an airplane to fly on business. I remember thinking how awful it would be to die in a plane crash before being saved. By this time, being saved was continually on my mind, and the idea of death without first being saved was simply terrible. I prayed "Please don't let me die on this airplane or, for that matter anywhere else, until You save me first." Those were my exact words. If you're lost, feel free to try THAT sinner's prayer, but be advised; that little prayer was sincere, and it came from the depths of my soul. I had no idea that the Lord would save me following that prayer, but somehow I KNEW He would eventually. I knew I would NEVER stop asking until He did or I died, whichever came first.

As soon as I finished the prayer, I was aware that I felt strangely peaceful. There were all sorts of things that, seconds ago, I had been worried about; but now they just didn't seem to matter at all. I tried to conjure up things to worry about, but to no avail. I simply could not shake the peace. I suddenly realized that I was extremely happy, for no reason whatsoever, and that my joy was rapidly increasing. I decided that, in addition to being lost, I had now gone completely insane. Even that didn't cause me any concern. The peace was so profound it seemed to have obtained the attribute of mass; it had tangible weight.

Suddenly it occurred to me that I might have been saved. I instantly rejected the thought since my brother-in-law had said he had KNOWN his sins were forgiven. I decided to contemplate death in order to shake off my insanity; yet even the grave couldn't cause even a ripple in the massive peace that held my soul at rest. Perplexed and inexplicably joyful, I finally thought to ask if He had saved me. I prayed " Did You just save me?". I had no idea how He might answer that question, but His answer was instantaneous and was the LAST thing I ever would have expected. I was suddenly FILLED WITH LIGHT. I had a sensation of my whole body swelling to the point of bursting and then having that sensation suddenly double, then triple. With my eyes closed (I had just prayed), I was blinded by light and felt as if wave after wave of something, I think it was LOVE, was washing through my soul. I started weeping, loudly and uncontrollably. I covered my mouth with my hand and screamed. The Lord showed me past sins, thousands of them, brought up vividly before my mind as if I had just committed them. I kept weeping and screaming. Finally, my remorse and shame were so great that I longed for the death I deserved. Just then the Lord spoke to me. He said," It's alright, I've forgiven you". Believe that or not, I don't care. In some way, not audible language but just as clear, the Lord spoke those exact words to me. I KNEW I was saved and that my sins were forgiven. I KNEW it had happened following that first prayer. Peace flooded my soul, and I felt as though I were awash in a sea of love. I saw The Light just as the plane took off, 9:35 AM. I was finally able to stop weeping at 10:20 AM. If anyone on the plane said a word to me, I am unaware of it. It's a strange thing, because I know that it must have appeared as thought I were having a complete fit. I didn't care: I was saved! Thoroughly saved! Irrevocably saved! Washed in His Blood! Blinded by His Light! Filled with His Goodness! Lost in His Love!

Sir or madam, I'm not insane; this really happened. Make of it what you will; if you don't know what I'm talking about you are probably lost. You may not believe in God: Your unbelief doesn't alter the fact of His existence. If the thought of dying bothers you, you need to find the peace that I found. Look upon your Savior. Seek redemption in the blood that pours from His Veins. Don't you love Him? Do you not find Him Precious to your soul? Pray for forgiveness and keep on praying until you get it: "For it is time to seek the Lord, till He come and rain Righteousness upon you." That's what happened to me; it is my prayer that it happens to each of you. God Bless.

Harvey Ambrose


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