April, 1998

LaRRy stirs up trouble....

Fangu furry much...dat's a turrifik pikture!!!!!!
Omar an all

she'Z hOt. sO, you dAtin iRene yet??
LaRRy, obnOkSHuss

Omar spins arownd
GASP....is she heer? I kindov fot she'd lost intrist in torchurin an skarin me haff to deff, caws she dint hiss or whap me or anser atall da last cuppul ov times I tried to tawk to her.
Omar

hissssssssssssssss
Anonimusss Gray Bitch

Oh. Hi dere, Irene. How haff yu bin?
Omar, trying for nonchalant

I'll giff ya a "C" fer yer effert, Omar.
-Marble, sittin quietly (he hopes) on da sidelines.

(whispurrin) Whut did I do rong? Wuz it da tremblin whiskers....da uncontrolld shakin ov mytayle....??
Omar

I fink it wuz da twitchin ears...
-Marble, also whisperin

hisssssssssssssspitt
Irene

...and Ashley has a plan.

Hey, Omar good buddy. Wanna go for a Shubeer?
Ashley
(Psst...Irene...over here)

A Shubeer? Dat sownds grate!!!
Omar, unsuspecting

And liddle Olive's coming too, AREN'T YA???
Ashley (drags Olive by her huge ears)

It does not appear that I have a choice.
Liddle Olive

(Omar helps Olive to her feet and dusts her off)
OLIVE! So gud to see yu!
Whats da madder, yu dont want to haff a Shubeer wiff yur Uncle Omar?

Well, it would be easier to swallow iffn ASHLEY would take her paws offa my throat!
Liddle Olive

Omar! So tell me, how's it hanging?
Ashley

Uh....nuffing's hangin dat I'ze notisd, Ms Ashley, ma'am.
How's yurownself?
Omar, intentions good but clueless beyond redemption

Oh, gud, gud.
Drink this beer. Now.
Sooooo.......Is there a special female in your life?
Ashley

(laplaplaplaplaplap....aaaahhhhh....opens another Shubeer)
Yu no, ma'am, I just dont no. (laplaplap)
Dere wuz dis seekrit admiryur onda rpcc Valentine paije, but I neffur did find owt who dat wuz. (laplaplap)
An denn, deres a shurtin grey TGK dat shumtimes I fink likesh me an offurtimesh (mostov da time, reely)....(laplaplaplap) Whut wuz I sayin? Ohyes, mostlee I just fink she enjoish makin me skairt. Whisch isshnt sho furry diffikult to do, yu unnnnerschtand.
Omar, weaving only a trifle

Well, here, I'll hold you up. Have another. Tell me, what type of girlz do you like?
Ashley

(hic!) Schkyuze me, ma'am!
I neffer reely fot ov myshelv as "wink" mateereeull, ma'am, sho I haff allwayz lukkd at gurrrlkittiesh ash gudfrendsh....dat way sheems safisht, no dishappoyintmintsh....
Omar, head lolling just a bit

(Ashley props up head)
But Omar, you are definitely winkwink material! Your handsome and polite and you love kittens (phhht!) You are cheating all those lonely gurrlkitties out there by staying a bachelor. Now, don't you feel guilty?
Ashley

hisssssssss
Irene

I've just about got him reeled in. Now been all nice and, you know, #$%$ genteel.
Ashley

^%$#,
Irene

That's it, you got it.
Ashley

Ohdeer. (sniff) I neffur fot ov it (hic...skyuze me) dat way.
But yu shee....I'ze kindov wurried dat I'ze too mild-mannerrd fur da gurrlsh...too (hic...skyuze me agin) gentull an qwiet.
"Cheeting" dem....all da looooonleee gurrrkittiesh......(sniff)...whut todo...whut todo?
Omar, listing to one side

(Ashley runs to other side and holds him up)
Yes. Lonely gurrlkitties. All because of you. But those who are not too despondent enough to think about it, will forgive you. If they survive the loneliness (sigh)
Gentle and quiet is gud. Gurrlkitties like that, especially tuffgurrl kitties.
I think you know what to do, Omar.
Ashley

slightly off key:
AHHHHHHHH...LUK AT ALLLLL DA LOOONLLEE KITTIESH...
Loonlee gurrrlkittiesh, waitin arownd allda time inda r.p.c.c.....
Waitin fur meeee-eee?
Luk at dem cryin, hopin fur winnkwinnksh dat neffur apppeeer...
Whut do I feee-eer?
ALLLLLLL DA LOOONLLEEE KITTIESH...WARE DO DEY ALLLL BEEEELONG...
Omar

(sniff)
I'm touched (UB: and so are my eardrums)
Ashley

What the %$#@ is that *sound?*HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSPPIIITTT!!!
Irene, blocking her earz

That's Omar serenading you.
Ashley

Oh no! Poor liddle Omar, he's wasted!!
-Auntie Kim, worried

DON'T DEW IT, BUB, DON'T DEW IT!!!!
Thaddeus+, pleedin furr hiz frend'z sssanity

Hi dere Thaddy ol' buddy ol' pal (hic...skyuze me) haff shum Shubeer!
Effuryfing ish jusht fine, Mish Ashley an me ar jusht haffin a liddle dishcushyun bowt polywinkery or shumfing I fink. I'ze nota Mormomkitty, doh, so I dont fink it wud be rite to winkwink wiff...
(offkey)
ALLLLL DA LOOONLEEE KITTIESH....
Omar

Just start with one (UB: after that you won't be ALLOWED to consort with other gurrlkitties)
Ashley

Uh, I think Unka Omar needs sum anti-crapulous serum.
==Alex

Run, Omar, run!!!!!!
Longfellow, sure that the cinnamon guy is in trouble up to his whiskers

Well, helllllloooooooo dere yung Alex an Longfellow! Sit yurownselvsh down an haff a cuppull ov Shubeersh wiff me...dey reely hitsh da shpot!
Omar

Omar! You think maybe you otta start on the ShuBERT instead?
Longfellow, concerned for the diction of the cinnamon fuzz

Uh, yessir, Unka Omar. ssslurrrpp WOW this is goood stuff!
=Alex, only following the advice of his elders