A Mom Wannabe

I want to be a Mom.  But I can't.  Instead, I am a Mom Wannabe.  I want to procreate.  I want to conceive a child, naturally, with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion, in the way God intended.  But I can't.

I want to discover that my period is several days late.  I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick.  I want to see a + sign.  I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discovered.  But I can't.  Instead, I cry tears of pain at random, for no reason and with no warning.

I want to experience morning sickness.  I want my hormones to go haywire.  I want the "pregnant glow".  I want to have my husband talk to my belly.  But I can't.  Instead, I try not to look pregnant.  I don't buy clearance clothes for next year, "just in case".  I try to keep my emotions from going haywire.  I dream that my husband talks to my belly.

I want to take prenatal vitamins.  I want to eat for two.  I want to schedule my first doctor's visit.  I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them.  But I can't.  Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving.  I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies.  I smile at babies that are not mine.   I ache from loving someone I've never met.

I want to hear the doctor say "You're Pregnant.  Your progress is right on schedule."  But I can't.

I want to surprise my parents with a new grandchild.  I want to tell my friends and family our good news.  I want my life to change overnight.   I want to read "What to Expect When You're Expecting".  But I can't.   Instead, I have no news to tell.  I realize my life hasn't changed in years.   I read "When Empty Arms become Heavy Burdens".

I want to monitor the progress.  I want to see ultrasounds.  I want to hear the heartbeat.  I want to watch our baby grow.  I want to feel the kicks. But I can't.

I want to decorate the nursery.  I want to childproof our home.   I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits.  I want to shop at Gymboree.   I want to save money for the baby's future.

Instead, I imagine a crib in an empty room down the hall.  I avoid baby stores in the mall.

We spend our money on doctor's appointments, tests and high-tech procedures.  We spend our money on a dream.  We are left with an empty bank account.  We are left with empty arms.

I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends.  I want to compare symptoms.  I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower.  But I can't.  Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly.  I watch their bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend.  I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes.

I want my belly to drop.  I want my water to break.  I want contractions.  I want an epidural.

I want my husband by my side and family in the waiting room.  I want the pushing.  I want the pain.  I want to hear the cry.  But I can't.   Instead, I feel a different pain.  I hear my own cry.  Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever imagined.

I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces.  I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking "We did it", but knowing that God did it.  But I can't.  Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wondering what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this.

I want to pray the one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do.  I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope this time He answers.  I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give.  I pray that someday soon He will give it to us.

I want to be a mom.  But I can't.  Instead, I am right where God wants me to be: Thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in status.

From a Mom Wannabe, to the Mom I WANT to be.

Written by:
~Alison Kathleen Whitney~