October 13, 2000 ~ BEAUTY OR PAIN?
THE CHOICE IS OURS. ~ We just got back from Texas and the Friends of
the Bridegroom Conference started. I took the kids the first day
because it was only a half day but 7AM to 11PM is too long a haul for
SMiles. Actually he is wonderful in public but I didn't want to make
it difficult. Sterling is hanging in there with Don though.
This is the last night of the conference..
We are back from our
little vacation/adventure and I want to give a short report. Soon
after we arrived in Cleburne, TX, we had a nice visit with my brother and
sister-in-law, and their daughter, and my sister and
brother-in-law.
20 min.
out of Cleburne, a 4' steel rod bounced off a flatbed truck and skewered
the oil pan on our car resulting in a 3 day layover at my brother's and
$900 in car repairs. The upside of that is that no one was hurt and
my brother covered the cost of the repairs on our car. We were
royally entertained as we got to know them more
intimately.
They
shared their heartbreak over a "perfect" son, who graduated top of
his class from the Art Institute in Arlington, and walked away from
God and his family. He also trashed his career opportunities in
favor of several doomed projects offered by peers. (One of the
doomed projects was the artwork for the video game "Doom" or "Dune" (I
don't remember). He and his buddies worked on the project day and
night for a year. Because they didn't read the fine print of the
contract they never received a penny for their work although the game was
a great success.) My nephew hasn't communicated with his family in 3
years and they asked us to ask the IHOP family to pray for his repentance
and return.
Their
only daughter, was a music major at North Texas University and developed
carpal-tunnel syndrome causing her to have to change her major to
art. Then she got mono and her liver shut down but by the grace of
God she survived.. She is now working for her parents and recovering
while finishing her senior year of college.
Also,
while we were with my brother one of his banks put an unexpected hold on a
$45,000.00 check causing possibly 300 business checks to bounce.
Please agree with my prayers for my brother and his family for wisdom and
God's intervention in this difficult time. They love God with all
their hearts.
The rest of our vacation
was refreshing and uneventful but we really missed the House of Prayer and
our friends there.
I was thinking about why we have to hurt so much sometimes
and this is my theory: We were all born with the programming of Adam
and Eve who were programmed by the devil. When we accept Jesus we
are predestined to be changed into His image but there are only two ways
that people are changed: pain or beauty. I have been the way of pain
and choose beauty. Have never been more in love in my life than I am
now. I wish that training our kids right could change their natures
but it just doesn't work that way. If we are not passionately in
love with the Beautiful One we have to be changed the hard
way. We got some interesting good news when we got
back to Kansas City. The International House of Prayer (IHOPKC or
the "HOP") is moving to Shiloh (Shiloh is a 90 acre piece of land
purchased for the KC prophets.) The church gave Shiloh to Paul Cain
this year and Paul asked us to move there as a sort of marriage between
the two ministries. Good move!
Next, Sterling and Christian's Spanish class
is planning a missions to Lima, Peru, February, 2002. Maida has
always call the class her "missions team", and when her pastor came to the
conference she set things up with him. They have to raise their own
air fare but the rest of the trip is covered by the church.
Christian will be old enough to be on staff by then and they both want to
go. Maida wants to show them how the rest of the world
lives.
September 19, 2000 ~ It's been awhile
and I must say a busy while. We set up a computer lab for the IHOPKC
home scholars with seven computers connected to the network. There
are about 20 children of IHOP Staff members and half of them are doing a
computer curriculum called "Switched On SchoolHouse" by Alpha
Omega.
Two of the computers were struck by
lightning a couple of weeks into the school year and we had to make some
quick substitutes. Also we are expecting some more computers this
week. I hope to get them set up so as to have at least one back-up
computer in case one malfunctions. Then hopefully things will settle
down and I can get back to what I enjoy most, that is, singing love songs
to Jesus in the prayer room.
I have a promise for my family
connected with the time I spend ministering to the Lord in the prayer room
and I plan to meet the conditions of that promise by God's
grace.
Wednesday, July 05, 2000 ~ Just a
little update: Don is full-time staff now even with his full-time
job. There is a lot of grace in the House of Prayer. I am the
new staff communications person for the House of Prayer staff and I really
enjoy it. A little more difficult is the 10 hours a week I work in child
care with my grandsons but it is rewarding. I think it will be better when
we get a speaker connecting us to the prayer room.
The boys are making some good friends
and Christian is leading the worship and playing the keyboard in the
Children’s prayer meeting. He is learning many new worship songs very
quickly and I am blessed. He is only ten years old. I plan to start
teaching him some songs on the guitar soon. He has a little quarter sized
guitar that sounds a lot like a ukulele. He considers it a treasure but
has never learned to play it. We are starting to save for a bigger better
keyboard.
We are starting to have a lot of
people over to our house again and it has been great! It helps us feel
more like the people we are working with are friends.
Sunday, May 21, 2000 ~ My focus is
changing to the Beauty Realm and so is my website. I plan to explore the
beauty of the Infinite, the finite, the infinitesimal, goodness, unity,
justice, judgment, and even hell itself. It should be a very interesting
journey.
Tonight I heard a message on "How to
have a Burning heart. The goal is to have the Living Logos, Jesus,
open up the written Logos as he did to the disciples on the road to
Emmaus. The answer is to focus on the Beauty Realm, and the
Beautiful One, singing spontaneous Psalms, hymns, and Spiritual songs
consistently over a period of time. I have been practicing that and
my heart has been warmed and softened.
Friday, April 07, 2000 ~ It's been a
long time since I entered anything into my journals. I have always
wondered why it's difficult to have a life and write about it as well. It
seems there just isn't enough time.
This has been a taxing season in more
ways than one. In a way we are "getting our house in order" with repairs
both physical and material but it all costs money and that is the hard
part.
We got a wonderful futon that
converted our "garden room" back into a living room and liberated our deck
chairs to go back on the deck.
The computers are being upgraded to
keep up with the programs. My husband, Don, had a tooth pulled, and minor
surgery to remove some little tumors in his intestines.
I got some new clothes in a
different style. I was tired of all my dresses wearing out in a year so I
tried something new. My dresses have been home sewn for a few years and I
use a lot of cotton. This time I bought them at Big K in synthetics. Maybe
they will have a longer life span. Don's clothes seem to last forever.
Busyness seems to be the description
of the last month but I hope it will slow down a little and we can enjoy
it more.
Saturday, February 05, 2000 ~
MILESTONE ~ My hobby is computers and I have a general understanding of
the hardware and software. In the process of time I have learned a lot of
tips and tricks but there was a lesson I needed to learn.
A couple of days ago I was working on
a friend’s laptop and after reformatting the hard drive 3 times, loading
Windows 95 ten times, and running Norton Disk Doctor twice, I was back to
square one. Finally I prayed in frustration "Lord I can’t do it! Would You
please help?" Then everything came together like clockwork.
It wasn’t as though I hadn’t prayed
for the 30 hours plus while I was working on the computer. I believe that
God wanted me to see once and for all that apart from His help I can’t do
it, no matter what it is. Somehow I believe that revelation is a
milestone.
Sunday, January 30, 2000 ~ COMPUTERS
~ I am convinced that the main problem with most computers is the user.
You know the rule GIGO, garbage in, garbage out.
Personally I love computers. When I
hear somebody angrily dissing a computer or Computer Company I usually
think there is something they don’t want to take the time and effort to
learn.
Sometimes people trash a computer
when it is only the programs they are disappointed in. Most people don’t
have a clue about the time and effort that it takes to load programs or
solve computer conflicts or other problems. It’s a thankless job but that
is probably what I will be doing at IHOPEKC. After all, I love
computers but I will probably give unthankful people a hard
time.
Saturday, January 08, 2000 ~ IHOPKC ~ Well, we were invited to go full time (50 hours
per week) in the house of prayer which seems like a good idea since we
would live there if we could. A few things have to fall into place
first such as paying off some bills and release from some family
responsibilities but it could happen. We will just wait and see what
God does.
Thursday, January 06, 2000 ~ WHIMPER~
Well the Y2K came in with a whimper more than a bang but I'm OK with
that. We experience enough hardship in this life without the
computers going into chaos, and at least, it got me into a preparedness
mentality. We didn't overstock and the people who did could consider
donating some of their surplus to the homeless and hungry of the
world. Our resolve for the new millennium is to grow out of
"consumer Christian" mentality and into a giving mode. I know it
will take total focus but it's about time
.Saturday, January 01, 2000 ~ About 3
months ago our pastor asked some of us for a heroic 3 month commitment to
establish a 24 hour house of prayer and worship in Kansas
City. Don and I fit right into that, and it was pleasant to spend as
much time as we could in the Presence. Tonight the call went forth
for a lifetime commitment to establishing houses of prayer in the
earth. Of course we answered the call. We are in our 50's and
have at last found our niche in this world. There is also a
possibility that I can have a year off from child care to explore the
potential of that commitment. Let it be!
Monday, December 27, 1999 ~ HOLIDAYS
~ Do most holidays result in illness or does it just seem that way?
We have had a very intense but sweet holiday season; however, not without
a measure of colds and flu. I wonder why? Presently I am in
bed with an upper respiratory infection. As it happens, my daughter
is on vacation and I don't really have to do anything but recover.
That's nice but I'd rather feel better. The problem is that I seldom
slow down until I get sick. There are places to go and things to
do. Hope I feel better in time for the New Millennium Party on Dec.
31, 1999. I wouldn't want to miss that.
Thursday, December 09, 1999 ~ RELEASE
~ Everything has been processed so it's time to let it all go. The
choices have been made and only have to be worked out in every day
life. So now it's time to focus on something more pleasant. No
one can damage me but my own anger can. I am damaged and in need of
healing, but I know where the hospital is and how to get there.
It's the house of prayer and I plan to spend as
much time there as possible.
Wednesday, December 08, 1999 ~
TOLERANCE ~ It's been two days since my explosion and I find that my
tolerance for disrespect is at an all time low. I am normally a
"live and let live" kind of person but the pendulum has swung in the
opposite direction and I find myself extremely intolerant. Nothing
is ever going to be the same again; but maybe, down the road it will
balance out. Parents and children may be in agreement
but never equal.
I will never again forget who are the
parents and who are the children, even for one second, let the pieces fall
where they may. I really don't care whose feelings I trample
on. It takes a lot to drive me to the point of not caring but when
it happens drastic and permanent changes happen. I get deadly and
will do whatever it takes.
Maybe it's a woman thing. The
leader of a bomb squad in Dallas, Texas, once said that if you can keep a
man talking you have a chance of defusing the bomb, but if it's a woman,
forget it.
Tuesday, December 07, 1999 ~
DOMINANCE ~ When people live together for any length of time a social
structure is necessary. I came to understand that concept more
clearly when my son dumped a very expensive puppy on me. He had
bought it for his girlfriend but she wanted a cat.
The manual said that the first
priority is to establish dominance or the animal will become
unbearable. Once dominance is established the puppy wants to please
and training is easier. I failed with the puppy and gave him back
but I did learn a valuable lesson. I used what I learned on my new
grandson, SMiles.
The price of establishing dominance
is high in terms of time and focus but it's worth it. Dominance is
mostly an attitude. You can never forget who is the boss, even for a
second. Once that issue is settled in your own mind you do whatever
it takes. After dominance is established training is a breeze.
Occasionally a reminder is needed but it's never as hard as it was at
first.
A social structure is actually a sort
of pecking order. When three generations live together in one house
you have three levels of authority. The authority of the parents can
never be higher than the grand parents. The children should not be
given parental authority over the other children even when there is a big
age difference. They must be taught to negotiate.
Monday December 5, 1999 ~
Confrontation ~ I have frequently felt unwelcome in my own home recently
but that is coming to an end. I don't really care who doesn't want
me, or if it's their pet demons, but it's still my home. Sometimes
going to the prayer room as an escape doesn't work and issues have to be
dealt with head on. From now on anyone who doesn't want me around
will be made to feel unwelcome. Passive aggression often loses more
ground than it gains and I plan to make it clear that the only protocol I
will respect is my own. Most of my family is in agreement with me
but it really doesn't matter. I am very aggressive once a choice is
made.
Sunday December 5, 1999 ~ No Remorse
~ Our anger never accomplishes the purposes of God unless we are mad at
the things God is mad at. Today I got angry and said some
really hurtful things to someone. That's not the first time I've
done that but this time it was different. The difference is that I
feel no remorse. Wonder why? Maybe it has
something to do with my choice to be selfish. Loving God is easy
because He is good but it takes God to love people. It's 3:33AM,
Monday morning and I'm still processing this. I've lost a lot of
sleep lately for one reason or another. I apologized but the more I
thought about the angrier I got.
SMiles has been having a hard time
lately with sickness and accidents. Wonder why? The plan was
for me to butt out more and more, but allowing an 18 month old to throw an
hour and a half tantrum because his parents tell me to butt out doesn't
seem reasonable to me, especially since I can quiet him with a sentence or
two. SMiles has a very severe personality and it took me months of
total focus to establish dominance with him. Now he wants to please
me. All I had to do was walk into the room and he immediately
dropped on his pillow and fell asleep. He was waiting for me to deal
with it.
I hate living with his screaming even
for five minutes, I can quiet him but it's not allowed. The
plan is to butt out more and more but I wonder if he feels abandoned by
me. Still I refuse to lower myself to a power struggle. He is
their crime and punishment but his screaming punishes me
too.
So what's the crime? From my
perspective the crime is not taking the time and measures necessary to
establish dominance. Arrogance in the form of being unteachable is a
crime. Another crime is being so worried about who is in control, so as to
forget the welfare of the child. I have never found any joy in
caring for a child I didn't personally train.
I frequently feel unwelcome in my own
home but there is a place that I can go to feel better. May the fire
on the altar never go out! The problem is that the more I stay away,
the more unwelcome I feel when I return; however, feelings can lie,
especially when the air is not clean. It's very clear that someone
doesn't want me home but not necessarily the people. My
sensitivities are mostly to spirits, but sometimes those are human
spirits.
All of my dreams of IHOPKC included a part where there was no going back.
In each dream I wanted to go home but the bridges were so storm
damaged that I couldn't go home. Bridges, in dreams, can represent
relationships. I wonder if it will come to that. The grandkids
were with me in the dreams.
God is perfecting the things that
concern me. Maybe I can just continue to enjoy His Presence and let
Him work it out. The fasted lifestyle includes food, time, and
money, and is some measure of protection from the backlash that results
from the ground we are taking from the enemy. There is a lot of
grace for it now but also a lot of backlash. I'm not surprised to
find it at home.
Saturday, December 4, 1999 ~ SELFISH
~ I've been successful on my diet for awhile and it seems that the thing
that made it work for me was a conscious choice to be selfish. That
is, I'm not sharing my diet food with anyone who isn't on a diet, and I'm
resolved to be grouchy and feel bad sometimes. It's OK to go
in my room and shut everyone out from time to time and even leave the
house if there is too much temptation to pig out on pizza or
something. IHOPKC is a good place to
go. Too often we run from the devil and try to stand up to
temptation when the Bible says the opposite. We are supposed to flee
temptation and stand up to the devil.
Monday, November 22, 1999 ~
SIGNIFICANCE ~ It seems that we are always striving for
significance. It must be a God thing, but like love, we tend to look
for significance in all the wrong places. In Romans 12 it says that
our significance is only because of what we are a part of, that is the
Body of Christ. I have pondered this. I am a part of a family,
a ministry, a church, IHOPKC, and especially a
part of the Bride of Christ. That is a lot of significance when you
think about it, but none of us has much of any significance in and of
ourselves so there is no room for us to be puffed up in our own
importance.
Sunday, November 21, 1999 ~ CAR
~ I haven't had my own car for a few years but it didn't matter much until
IHOPKC opened 24 hours. Now I am very excited to
have an 86 Chevy Celebrity station wagon so that I can take the grandkids
to prayer in the morning. They can write in their journals or learn
new art programs on their notebook computers. Doesn't matter
much. My prayer is that God will capture our hearts.
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