Stuff You Should Know

• Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
• There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
• Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
• The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires
• Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
• Families are like fudge.... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
• Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
• If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
• Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
• Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!
• You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good
• I drive way to fast to worry about cholesterol
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
• Eagles may sore, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines
• I almost had a pyschic boyfriend but he left me before we met
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegle in 37 states
• Quantum Mechanics - The dreams stuff is made of
• Support Bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
• The only subsitute for good manners is fast reflexes
• When everything is coming your way, your in the wrong lane
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
• If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they
• 24 hours in a day.... 24 beers in a case.... coincidence?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
• Many people quit looking for work when they get a job
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor
• Why do pyschics have to ask you your name?
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain
• Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
• Black holes are where God divided by zero
• All thise who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand