Rated NC17:
The Following Program Is For Mature Audiences Only

DRs NOTE: *Be forewarned...the jokes on this page may either contain adult language or reference sex, bodyparts, death, and ethnicity,however....they're still hilariously funny!

Any and all future complaints from the same party must be delivered airmail by a flying pig.

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at Lakeside Mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his Father "What is this Father?". The Father responded "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch as the circles lit up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son "Go get your Mother".

~~~~Unknown

Death Bed:

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.

"Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."

But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed.

"Why else would I poison you?"

~~~~Contributed by Betsy

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

~~~~Contributed by Betsy

A man was suffering from terrible headaches. Finally he went to the doctor, who gave him a thorough examination."Well, I'm not sure exactly what's causing the problem, but we've found a cure. You'll have to be castrated."

The man, needless to say, was horrified. "No, doctor, I prefer to suffer the headaches." But as time passed, they got worse and worse and finally he was driven back to the surgery. "Okay, I can't stand it any longer. I'll have the operation." And so...he was castrated.

Afterwards the man was very depressed and his doctor told him, "I recommend you begin a new life -- start fresh from this point." Taking the advice, the man went to a men's shop for new clothes.

The salesman said " Let's start with the suit. Looks like you'd take a 38 - regular."

"That's right." said the man "How did you know?"

"Well, when you have been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up. Now for the shirt, Looks like a 15 -- long."

"Exactly!" said the man. "And for underpants, I'd say a size 36."

"Well, there's your first mistake," said the man. "I've worn 34s for years."

"No, you're a size 36 if ever I've seen one." said the salesman.

"I ought to know," the man replied. "I take a 34."

"Well, if you insist," said the salesman. " But they're going to pinch your balls and give you terrible headaches."

~~~~Unknown

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly. Everybody starts screaming, panicking etc. Reagan shouts: "Women and children first." Nixon goes: "Fuck the women." Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"

~~~~Contributed by Betsy

GUINNESS BOOK

*Dr's Note: Ladies, tell this one to your DH :)

Seems there were these three midgets having a conversation about being in The Guiness Book of World Records.

The first dwarf says, "Hey my hands are so small, bet I have the the smallest hands in the world!"

So he goes to so the folks at the Guiness Book of World Records and sure enough he has the smallest hands in the world.

He gets back and starts to bragging to the other dwarfs about being in the book. One of the other dwarfs says, "Hey my feet are so small, bet I have the smallest feet in the world!"

So off he goes to see The Guiness Book of World Records people. Sure enough, he has the smallest feet in the world and goes back to brag about it to his little buddies.

The third dwarf, remember there are 3 of them in this story, looks down and says, "Hey my dick is so small I bet I have the smallest dick in the world!"

So off he goes to see the folks at The Guiness Book of World records. He comes back all depressed though. His friends ask him, "What? You didn't make the book?"

"No." the third dwarf replies. "But does anybody know who the hell (insert name here) is?"

~~~~Unknown

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

"Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "They've been acting like this ever since they found out my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

~~~~Contributed by Betsy

As an airplane is about to crash a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this".

~~~~Unknown

ACT LIKE A STATUE

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the "statue". Not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here." he said to the 'statue'. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

~~~~Contributed by Betsy

FREE SEX CONTEST

Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter ?" asked the Kentuckian.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said one Kentuckian.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.

The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the other Kentuckian asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the Kentuckian.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first Kentuckian said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week."

~~~~Contributed by Betsy

There were three guys, an Albertan, a Quebecois and Newfie. They all worked together at a factory. Every day they noticed that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.

The boss left and so did they. The Albertan goes home and consumes a six while watching TNN. The Quebecois goes home and cooks dinner. the Newfie goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss, so he shuts the door and leaves.

The next day the Quebecois and Albertan are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the Newfie guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No." They ask him why not and he says, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"

~~~~Contributed by Betsy

I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first.

Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it.

Now I ride on escalators all the time.

~~~~Contributed by Betsy

A chicken and an egg were in bed together. The chicken was smoking a cigarette and had a satisfied grin on his face. The egg was frowning and sulking.

The chicken turns to the egg and says, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

~~~~Contributed by KellyD

ELEVEN REASONS WHY EMAIL IS LIKE A PENIS:

11. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call *E-Mail Envy.*

7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason why e-mail is like a male reproductive organ:

1. If you play with it too much, you go blind.

~~~~Contributed by Michelle Herren

THE PIANIST

So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully.

The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says "That's amazing! Where did you get him?"

Bill says" well I got this magic lamp with a genie"

So the other fellow says "That's great! Could I use it?"

Bill says "Sure " and hands him the lamp.

Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says" I want a million bucks."

Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims"Hey! I asked for I million BUCKS! not DUCKS!"

Bill explained "Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?" ~~~~Contributed by KellyD

POLITICS

SON: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

FATHER: Sure son, what's the question?

SON: What is politics?

FATHER: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me 'Management.' Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her 'Government.' We take care of your needs so let's call you 'The People.' We'll call the maid 'The Working Class' and your baby brother 'The Future.' Do you understand?

SON: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.

The next morning: SON: Dad, now I think I understand politics.

FATHER: That's great, son! Explain it to me in your own words.

SON: Well, Dad, while the Management is screwing the Working Class the Government is sound asleep. The People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.

~~~~Unknown

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