The Page Of Pointlessness

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What follows is evidence of some serious problems with the fifth form assessment system in New Zealand. I'm still not entirely sure how I managed to pass this year with some of these.
English Contribution No. 2
In place of my original English essay that was on this page (removed due to a disagreement between subject and author), I present English Essay the second. At the time of submission I remember that it was described by a certain teacher as lacking depth. Hah! Judge for yourself!

Dear Sir,
I am writing to express my feelings regarding the recent article in your paper published entitled rather gratuitously 'McDollars, McKiller, McCancer...' etc. I disagree heartily with these deceiving advertisements mainly aimed at young people.

In one particular feature, for example, Ronald McDonald becomes immensely fat, presumably from eating too much of his own merchandise, and begins to float merrily around the the eerie, headache-inducing realms he and his disturbing companions seem to permanently inhabit. I find this ad deceptive and highly offensive to immensely fat people. The mere concept that eating so many hamburgers will make one suddenly expand and apparently become lighter than air itself defies both physics and common sense. I feel this ad and others like it contribute to the terrible weight and self-image problems young people of the world face today.

'McDonalds Land' in itself is a horrifying embodiment of all that is portrayed as bright yellow and crispy when it should be, in reality, brown with little granules of salt becoming encrusted to the bottom and going floppy when you try to take it out of the packet. The place is composed of, among other freaks of nature, singing shreds of potato, eery disem'bodied' shoes that dance and large purple monsters with speech impediments worse even than those of the Tellytubbies, who go around in gangs brutally vandalising their own restaurants by walking through the walls of the building, tagging huge yellow 'M's everywhere and generally setting a bad example for the children these advertorials are aimed at.

Another resident of McDonalds land is an escaped criminal, signified by his sterotypical yet outdated striped clothing (which, incidentally, is offensive to people who like to wear striped clothing) who goes around laughing maniacally while totally obliterating any sense of moral decency instilled into young people by stealing various products in broad daylight while Ronald, himself a freak of nature and fashion, looks on obliviously. Yet another disturbing factor in this advertising campaign is that none of the characters ever change their clothes....


A Paradigm of Pointlessness

Dear Sir,
I am applying for the position of senior brain surgeon at St Joan's private surgery.
My years of learning at 'Mindy's Kindy' group moulding play-dough brains out of my 'Dr Disgusting Deluxe Drinks Lab', I feel, have prepared me for this job in every avenue possible.
I have also attempted to enrol in the New York college of neurosurgery. Unfortunately my application was not accepted. I speculate this is because during my interview I mistook Professor Gerund's toupee for a dead cat, and attempted ritual burial rites that involved chucking it out the nearest top story window.
I was also kicked out of the London College of Neurology after reciting 'The Pinky and the Brain' when asked about prior education and experience in the field of brain surgery.
Please consider my application.
Bye.
Faithfully,
Brian Brain - Alias "Zorteir".


Pointless Spreeches
Both are rather long and on exactly the same topic, but if you have 'enjoyed' other bits on this page you might possibly like them.
Parallel Physics for a Confused Universe
Secondary school physics is a dangerous realm during which misunderstanding, misinterpreting or simply not listening at important moments can have dire consequences on a student's future outlook on the physical world.

The Right-Hand Whack Rule

The Hill of Expansion Ballistics as it Applies to Cheese Wheels Eye-balls and their Ease of Removal The Theory of Resistance in Toasters due to Mice


'Immortal Beloved' - An in-depth glance

Considering Beethoven's fascinating life, both in his professional and personal experiences as one of the greatest masters of music, it is hardly surprising 'Immortal Beloved', a biographical film describing his life, was premiered last Tuesday at the "Mad About Money" Theatre in the new film complex. Unfortunately, due the unique seating arrangements and rather unlikely-looking sound system at the cinema, I had a fair amount of trouble actually understanding and subsequently remembering what exactly was meant to be going on. Add this to my pitifully small general knowledge of the era, and various distracting comments from the audience ("He's the one who cuts his arm off, isn't he?"), I feel I received a somewhat confused version of the actual film.

Excuses aside, I enjoyed watching 'Immortal Beloved', my only regret being I did not do a bit of research into Beethoven's life before viewing, a process which would have no doubt enhanced my viewing and comprehension greatly. While other viewers (obviously more sensitive to the storyline than myself) were weeping over the apparent death of some seemingly irrelevant character (later found out to be Beethoven's friend's cousin or similar), I was bemusedly trying to understand any of the scene's relevance to anything else in the rest of the movie, who the deceased character actually was, and how any of this related to anything.

However, I did not do my research and was forced to watch the story unfold under the hazy glow of ignorance. Here is the general story line, as understood by me: Beethoven is dead and his friend and narrator of the movie makes an appearance - 'Schindler' is apparently looking for clues to find out the identity of an 'Immortal Beloved' mentioned in a letter from Beethoven which, thanks to a tea-lady with a Difference, was never received. A number of extremely subtle flashbacks occur, in which Beethoven is introduced as a composer and performer who does not want to play the same way as everybody else - his music is violent and emotional and (apparently) causes the loss of hair. It is about this time a female character who is probably vital to the plot of the film whom I cannot remember anything about says something and then drinks some tea. After this little escapade, she attends a concert of sorts in which a case of mistaken identity proves immemorable for all concerned. Still more flashbacks occur, one in which we see a young Beethoven cunningly escape the evil clutches of his drunkard father by ejecting himself out a window, running rampant through a picturesquely snowy forest and ending up in a frozen lake. At some time between then and the final credits, Beethoven manages to go deaf, adopt, for some obscure reason, his own nephew, cause the attempted suicide of the same nephew, miss his very own 'Immortal Beloved' at the hotel by about .3 of a second, and die. A busy man indeed.

One certain complaint I have about this movie is the lack of 'freaky' flash-back effects. There is many a scene where a good old-fashioned 'wavery-water with appropriate sound-effects' mix would be appreciated, if only to separate the present from the past. I myself would suggest a neat little transition in the form of an enormous spinning music note - a semi-quaver for example - accompanied with a couple of bars some really, really inappropriate theme music (such as the theme from 'Flashdance'), something akin to the scene-swapping device on Batman: The Original Series. Another complaint I could make of the general production techniques of the movie was the variation and lack of decent Viennese accents among the cast, a complaint, however, as my regular readers will confirm, I make about almost every movie reviewed regardless of actual setting, nationality or language the film is in, and can probably be disregarded, as can, admittedly, most of the above.


'Colonel' Blood - my pal
After being asked to write a paragraph or two on "The Family Member you Most Admire" for form two social studies, I vaguely 'remembered' a story told to me about a great-great-great uncle (or something) and jewel thief, 'Colonel Blood'.

Colonel Blood was an Englishman. He was also a thief. He stole many things. But the thing he became infamous for was the attempted theft of the crown jewels.

After months of planning all was arranged. He, and evil accomplice Mr Bloggs, sneaked into the jewel chamber with the use of Mr Bloggs' cunning invisible clothing. When guards approached them, Blood lopped their heads off with his infamous Samarai Sword.

Then he broke into the jewel case. At the sound of more nearing guards, he panicked and concealed the Crown jewels in his pantaloons. Then he dashed off.

Sadly, Blood was soon discovered by the guards and sentenced to death by execution. I admire him because he is my great-great-great uncle.


therutty@yahoo.com

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