"Escaping the Invisible Cage"

On this page I would like to walk you through my journey with this disorder. I want to take the time to expain what I have learned through my own experiences. Because I have not read many books about this I do not claim to have all the answers. This page in no form takes the place of real therapy. Please read my disclaimer if you have any questions.
I'm 34 years old, the term "Eating Disorder" was not a common term when I was growing up. In fact, until I went to therapy when I was 28 yrs, I had no idea what was happening to me. I just knew that I felt compelled to be thinner. It really didn't matter what other people thought or said, I just knew what my heart said; and even I didn't understand that so how could I expect others to understand.

I went to therapy because I could no longer make simple choices in every day life. I felt as though I was dying from the inside out and that if I didn't find a way off of this path I would die. I could function in the world outside my home such as work or helping at the school my children attended. These brief excursions into the outside world would exhaust my energy so much that I could not decide what cereal to give my children for breakfast. I would open the cupboards, see the cereal boxes and feeling overwhelmed I would head back to bed. I know this will be hard for many to understand, please bare with me. It was these crazy yet simple task that led to the discovery of my eating disorders.

A few months into therapy my therapist, Nancy, had asked me what I had eaten that day. I didn't think much about it as I explained to her that I didn't really enjoy the act of eating and that I limited the kinds of food I ate because of that. (I think back to that answer now and wonder just how many 'red flags' went up in her mind.) Nothing I ever said phased Nancy, she just nodded and ask me to explain.

"When I eat certain foods I feel as if I need to cut them out of my stomache. I think it is the same feeling a wolf has when caught in a trap and they chew their leg off to survive." I laugh now at that statement, but then it was real! It was what was going on inside my head. I had lived in survival mode for so long (since I was 2yrs old) that thoughts like this were normal for me. I saw the look on Nancy's face and assumed she agreed, boy was I in for a life changing lesson.

"What foods cause you to feel this way?" she inquired.

"I think it would be easier to tell you what foods I can tolerate." She agreed with me. The list was short, oatmeal with only a little salt and artificial sweetner, popcorn and maybe graham crackers (but just one sheet because it counted as four) and those could only be eaten with creme of wheat (prepared the same as oatmeal).

"What do fix for your children?" Nancy asked.

Oh, that was simple to answer, regular meals like spaghetti, mac and cheese, soup and sandwiches, roast beef, the list was long.

"You don't eat with your kids?" She probed. At this point I was getting uncomfortable. Was there something wrong with what I was doing? Did Nancy not approve? I searched desperatly for the RIGHT answers. The answers that would allow her to change the subject and move on to something else. "Of course I eat with them." I shot back, knowing that I only ate what was ok and not what they ate.

I was panicking inside, I just knew my new friend was disappointed. I just knew she would be ashamed of me. I felt that all my hard work these last few months would be for nothing and she would send me away. To my relief she did change gears, "How long have you felt this way?"

I could see the chaos inside my head, scrambling for the right answers. I wanted to be better so I thought I would answer as honestly as possible no matter how stupid it sounded to me. I gritted my teeth and proceeded, "I had felt that way for a long time maybe it started when I was 9-10yrs. It went away for a little while, somewhere in my teens 14-15yrs. Now, it has come back in the last 2-3yrs. The list hasn't always been so short. When I first start feeling this way, trapped. I will eliminate the food that I last ate, because that is what caused the feelings."

None, of what I said had any impact on me, it was just the facts. It was the way I had lived my life. Nancy heard something else. "When did you leave home? How old were you?"

"I was 14yrs" I was thankful for an easy question, one that didn't cause the scrambling inside.

"Do you know what an eating disorder is?" she inquired.

"I think I have heard the term related to people that throw up on purpose." That was all I knew on the subject.

Very matter-factly she stated, "You have an eating disorder. It has been my experience that as we travel deeper into your therapy it will tend to get worse. You see eating disorders have nothing to do with eating."

"Oh, that makes perfect sense." I told her, rolling my eyes. I was thinking I knew counselors were crack pots and this just proves my point. Now what am I going to do, my life is more messed up than when I started coming to see her. I can't turn back and I don't know how to go forward. It felt as if depression had pulled me a little deeper into its foggy tunnel.

Nancy's prediction was right, everything did get worse before it got better. About six months later I was hospitalized for anerexia. I was also experiencing suicidal tendancies. The suicidal thoughts were not because I wanted to die. They were because the pain in my life, the things I was discovering were overwhelming and very painful. To me it seemed death was the only way out of this mess. I don't want to dwell too much on the reasons I was admitted to the hospital because I don't want to plant ideas into other peoples minds. The fact is that Nancy felt my life was in danger and I needed to be hospitalized.

When I was in the hospital Nancy had informed all my friends and relatives not to come visit me. At first they thought she was a mean woman who didn't care about me. Didn't Nancy know they wanted to support me, to show me how much they loved me? Nancy explained to them and to me, "This type of hospital stay is different then what you are used to. She will be working hard at learning things, visiting her might reinforce the idea that this can be an attention-getting behavior. So, if you truly love her and want her to get better, send a card that says that. Do not call. Do not visit." I have to admit, Nancy is blunt, she is straight forward. She was not afraid to say those things to my friends at her office in front of me. As I look back now, I admire her for having that kind of courage.

My friends listened to Nancy's advise. My husband went to work as usual (remember he works away from home for 2 weeks and then is home for 2 weeks). My husband was not able to write from where he was going. He came to the hospital on his way to the airport. While I was in one of the groups (not therapy groups but teaching seminars) he decorated my half of the room. He brought me a comforter, my Teddy Bear, Paraclaytoss (a present from Nancy when I first started therapy),and matching pillow shams. There was a note that read, "When you are feeling lonely wrap yourself in this comforter and know that I am near. You can hold Paraclaytoss and know that Nancy is near. I know you will get better, keep trying." He admitted many years later that it was one of the hardest things he ever had to do.

What I learned while I was in the hospital were only small seeds planted in the soil of ignorance. I really didn't have a clue as to how all these things fit into my life or why. I felt like I was in school. I took notes, I listened and I thought.

The months that followed my release from the hospital Nancy would expound on the small seeds that had been planted in my heart. She would teach me that eating disorders have nothing to do with food but with lack of control over my life. If a person is feeling they have lost/given control of their life they will latch on to the one thing that they can control, food.

A parent can force a child to do many things. In extreme circumstances they can force a child to quit feeling. The one thing a parent can not force a child to do is eat (or to keep the food down that they do consume). Eating disorders give a person a sense of control over their life. It is a very dangerous and life-threatening way of finding control.

At first what Nancy explained made no sense at all. I was a grown woman. I had no parents controlling my life. Then on the other hand I did feel trapped. I didn't have my own thoughts or feelings, this at the time felt normal, the way my life had always been.

Once I was able to accept the fact that it was control not food that was the root, I was able to take my focus off my eating habits and dig deeper to finding where I had lost/given my control away. This doesn't mean that the feeling that I described before went away magically, contrary, they got worse for awhile. But I realised that was ok, because my focus was on finding the true control of my life.

I will try to condense years of therapy into a few simple paragraphs. I just want the reader to know that even if it sounds simple on paper, it did take me years of crying, confusion, arguing and helplessness to come to these conclusions. I also want you to know that without the help of Nancy, my therapist, I never would have found the right path to travel on. Everything she helped me to understand was foreign and odd to me. It felt scary and uncomfortable to try the things she suggested. There were many times I would be angry at her and lash out at her, only to come back and say I'm sorry I was wrong. So as you read the end of this remember it is not instantanous.

The first thing I learned was that I could say 'No' without having to explain myself or to even have a reason! That was a very hard concept for me to come to terms with. I would ask Nancy "What do you mean I don't have to have a reason?? What if they ask me why?" She would say, either tell the why or don't. You have a choice. If you choose not to tell them then say that; It doesn't matter why I said no. I continued with my questions "How do I stop feeling guilty?" By realizing that it is not your problem. Just because someone ask you for something doesn't make it your problem. You choose to help or not, but it is not your responsibilty to solve the problem. WOW! That was a whole new concept which leads into the next thing I learned.

It is not my job to make others happy. This had been drilled into my head since I was a small child. "You make me so mad!" so, if I did the opposite then I would make them happy. "I better get this house cleaned up before so-and-so comes home. He will be so angry." "If you don't help me, I will die, I will be in trouble... blah blah blah (fill in the blanks)" Once I learned the truth: I am only responsible for MY thoughts, MY feelings, MY actions. It was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

I don't have to agree with you. I know this sounds easy. It looks simple. But my whole life depended on saying the 'right' answer. In my home growing up saying the wrong things could get your jaw broke. So Nancy would ask me "What do you think of this?" For months my answer was "I don't know" not because I didn't want to share. It was because I honestly didn't know! So she would say "Well, think about it and I will wait for your answer." Then she would, patiently sit and wait while I searched my heart for an answer to even the simplest questions. This taught me confidence in myself as I learned that I can have an opinion that differs from yours, and that I can have that without guilt or fear. Another boulder was lifting.

My poor husband. He was the one that I practiced my new found skills on. Unknowingly to me or him, I have given him control over my life, and like any human being he didn't want to give it back. We fought over the smallest things. For instance washing the top of the fridge. I'm small, 5'0", he would want the top of the fridge washed every week. For the longest time I did it because that is what a 'good christian' wife does right? Please her husband? This led to other little things that he wanted done. Pretty soon I was spending hours aday cleaning the house. Nancy ask me, "Is this the way you would clean?" No. "Well, how would you clean it?" Yes, you guessed it, "I don't know?" I had never lived alone. I didn't know what I would do. So Nancy suggested I find what I would do. The agreement my husband and I came to was: I will do it my way, if it doesn't meet your expectations then you are free to fix it the way you like it.

You are probably wondering how all this ties into eating disorders. It is all the little ways that people with eating disorders give up control of their lives. It doesn't have to be one big thing and it usually isn't. It is the small everyday, overlooked things that are slowly eroding away your boundaries, your anonimity (the part that makes you seperate from everybody else). When you find those little things and work on correcting them you will find the eating disorder will subside. I still struggle with weight but now it is based on being healthy instead of control.