I'm Askin' You Today

This song was written by Wenzel/Carrol of Whitecross of Star Song records and can be found in any Christian Book store in the "Alternative Rock" section of the music department.

I was driving home from my first session with my new therapist. I had never before seen a counselor and was wondering what was becoming of my carefully planned life. With tears streaming down my cheeks I cried out to God to help me that I felt I was going crazy. In the next few moments as I tried to drive my car through the tears that were blurring my vision this song came on the radio and I knew that I was right where God desired me to be.

"Are you lonely, feelin' no one's on your side
Are there things you think you need to hide
I've been with you waiting from the very start
For you to open up your heart"

Let me interject here and say that I thought I had already opened my heart to Him, I had been a Christian for more than 8 years when I entered therapy. But, now looking back I can see that His desire was for me to open ALL my heart. That meant the years of abuse and self-hate that I felt inside, but never knew was there because I never stopped running long enough to look inside.

"I will you give you back the wasted years
With My hand I'll dry your tears
I will give you all the you will need
Will you give your life for Me"

This is the chorus line so it plays repeatedly through the song. I think this is exactly what I need to hear at the moment and to hear it over and over. Sometimes, it takes that long for my numb brain to have things sink into the core where it can be processed. Please take a moment to re-read the chorus. He was saying He would give me back the wasted years, I needed to know that my life was not wasted because it sure felt like it was. I needed the comforting thought of His hand drying my tears, there were so many it would require an eternal hand.J Then the assurance that He would provide for me. To just GIVE me what I needed, brought me peace. The only thing He asked is would I give my life for Him, "Oh, Father, I thought I already had. You will need to show me what you mean by this one." Let me say becareful what you pray for …. You just might get it.

"Are you hurting, will you let Me have your pain
Let Me wash away the guilty stain
I am waiting for you to call My name
Then you will never be the same"

Boy, did this verse hit home. I was beyond hurting, the pain was overwhelming to the point it felt like more than a person could bare. Coming from years of sexual abuse, the guilt was tremendous. I was coming from a Christian point of view, where the guilt was tremendous. "I'm a Christian, why doesn't God just wash all this away and create in me a new heart." I was not only calling His name, I was screaming, moaning and begging His name with every fiber of my soul. Looking back, now, 3 years later; He was right I would never be the same.

"I am the door to heaven
Why would you wait another day
How could you say tomorrow
When I'm askin' you today"

This final verse helped me when I just wanted to say enough. I've gone far enough in my therapy. I have accomplished a lot. I'm not really happy or peaceful yet, but atleast I don't want to die so much any more. But, God, in His perfecting ways said to me that this was not enough. That He had started something in me and desired to bring it to an end. His question to me was "Will you let me? Will you work with me?" What was I suppose to say to God, I mean, He created the universe! I said "I will try." I tried for the next 5 years to hear what God was asking me to do in order to be whole. Then I followed through with what I said I would do, I tried. He did the rest.

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