In August 1996, on the way to dinner at a family vacation, Barb popped the question - what did I think about adopting? I must confess, my first reaction was - What for? There's no space to describe the fun we've had launching our existing three children - who still have a tendency to fall back on us when things (occasionally) go wrong. We're both in our forties - another child would surely take us up to, if not into, retirement. And the house is too small, and adoption is expensive, and how will Christy like it - and so on, and so on, and so on.
What I actually said was, "Why not?" Because suddenly, all Barb's mothering tries of the past dozen years made sense to me. You see, I'm a chessplayer, and a computer fanatic, and an amateur musician: I could keep busy for decades with this stuff. Barb works full time - besides the heavy load any working mother must deal with at home. She also volunteers at church (in the nursery, of course!), and is a voracious reader. But all those years of "attempted mothering" pointed very clearly to one thing - my wife was not done mothering.
It's not as though we plan an expensive retirement - we have no boat, no cottage, no condo; and we don't plan any world cruise or long vacations abroad (the toilet facilities in most of the world are not pleasant). The house, though inexpensive, is adequate - and we soon figured out how to use a little more of the basement to accommodate us, so we could clear a bedroom for another child. Adoption, as we soon discovered, is indeed expensive - about the same as buying a new car. And you can do the same thing with your adoption that you do with your new car: set up a payment plan, and finance it.
Finally, we broke the news to Christy, and she voted yes - with both hands! She has played for years with Robin, and Ryan, and whatever little kids we have brought over; but what she has always wanted was a little sister of her own. Now, it appears, she will finally get one.
That first week, we settled one thing - we would NOT pursue a domestic adoption. Recent court battles, with birth mothers and fathers recovering children even after years of adoptive life, left us shellshocked. We decided that the uncertainty and expense of dealing with a foreign country were nothing compared to the heartbreak we might experience if an American birth-mother changed her mind six months, one year, or even three years down the road. No - we would adopt from a foreign country - then the child would be irretrievably ours.
The next question was: Which Country? Our first thought was to follow the lead of a couple who had been our associate pastor s in our previous church, and adopt from Korea. (By the way, thank you, Brad and Colleen, for getting us started.) We quickly found, however, that Korea - like many countries - had a maximum age of 35 for adoptive parents, which tossed us right out of that country. It simplified our task of choosing a country considerably, in that we really only had a few choices that would allow over-40 adoptions: Guatemala, Russia, Romania, Albania, and China.
Guatemala seemed too recently established - we feared to get involved with a national adoption program with no track record. Romania, after the Dateline expose, was far too scary - what if OUR child proved unable to attach to us, after years in an orphanage/cage? Albania was currently in a state of civil anarchy - no thank you! And Russia's children, bless 'em, are too frequently the children of alcoholics - hey, drinking is STILL the Russian national pastime!
That left China - and there, we had everything we could wish for. An established agency (Bethany Christian Services), a four-year track record, an age marker that let us in comfortably, and no chance whatever that the birth mother would show up on our doorstep six or twelve months down the line. (In China, child abandonment is a felony.) This little girl would be OURS. In September 1996, we headed down to Bethany, our hearts in our mouths.
After the orientation and the initial fee, we were assigned a caseworker, who was to conduct our "home study" and fill out some of the reams of paperwork needed to complete our International Adoption. You see, China may not understand why these large, grinning white folks would want to spend all this money, and travel halfway around the world besides, to take home one of their "useless" little girls - but that doesn't stop them from requiring the customary piles and piles of documents (ALL notarized!) An established agency is invaluable - first, because they will make absolutely sure that you haven't left out any really important items - yes the Chinese WILL cancel your adoption, even after you fly to China! - and second, because the Chinese are VERY suspicious of "lone wolves", and will deal ONLY with established people and organizations.
The "home study" was nothing like we thought it would be - just a series of conversations in our home with a very nice social worker who, it transpired, was entrusted with the vital task of making sure we weren't abusing the child we already had, and that we had four walls, a roof, and an adequate food supply for ourselves - and one more child.
We "passed" the home study (Whew! Good thing the whips & chains were out to the cleaners that week! :) ); and indeed, became friends with our social worker, a young widow with two daughters not too far from Christy's age. In fact, she recently informed us that she, too, was applying for an international adoption! Way to go!