~TODDLER MIRACLE DIET!~ Folks are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians,and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor...otherwise, you might have to see him afterward. Good luck! DAY ONE Breakfast One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO Breakfast Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape kool-aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE Breakfast Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. FINAL DAY Breakfast A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert ~THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN~ 1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Rugrat underwear and a superman cape. 2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. 7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. 8. LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. 9. Super glue is forever. 10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. 11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 13. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 15. The fire department in Wayne City has at least a 5 minute response time. 16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. 17. It will however make cats dizzy. 18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. ~EVOLUTION OF A MOTHER~ Pregnancy: 1st Baby: Wears maternity clothes as soon as her pregnancy is confirmed. 2nd Baby: Mother wears regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd Baby: Mother’s maternity clothes are her regular clothes. Preparing for birth: 1st Baby: Mother practices her breathing religiously. 2nd Baby: Doesn’t practice breathing because she remembers that breathing didn’t do a thing. 3rd Baby: Mother asks for an epidural in the 8th month. Baby clothes: 1st Baby: Mother pre-washes newborn’s clothes, color coordinates them, and folds them. 2nd Baby: Mother makes sure clothes are clean and discards only the items with the darkest stains. 3rd Baby: Mother asks, "Boys can wear pink, can’t they?" Worries: 1st Baby: At the first sign of any distress, mother picks up the baby. 2nd baby: Picks up baby when the wails threaten to wake the firstborn. 3rd Baby: Teaches oldest child how to wind up mechanical swing. ~TOP 10 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A DAD SAY~ 10. Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude. ...I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY. 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? 5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. And The Number One Thing You'll Never Hear A Dad Say... Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that --it's no big deal. ~MOM'S BROWNIES~ Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no." Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away. FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan: * 1 cup sugar * 1 oz unsweetened chocolate * 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven. HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY FOR PARENTHOOD MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night). GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN) Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans. PHYSICAL TEST (MEN) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers. ~You Know You're a Mom When:~ 1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care. 2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding. 3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket. 4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats. 5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you. 6. Popsicle become a food staple. 7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon. 8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day. 9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on. 10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off. 11. Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc., and you think it's funny. 12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU! 13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent. 14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing,drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling ,feeding (them, Not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds. 15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions. 16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it. 17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making Rice Krispie bars . Visit my other pages! Home Main Directory My Family ~ Country Cookin' Craft Projects ~ Webrings ~ Favorite Links Decorating Center ~ Household Tips ~ Rainy Day Projects Holidays ~ Awards Received ~ Winners ~ Make and Save ~ Bookstore Parenting Funnies ~ Computer Humor ~ Special Causes Favorite Short Stories ~ Banner Exchange Gifts Received