In Honor
Of The Many
New Years'
Resolutions
I present
you with~
Calories
That Don't
Count....
Food On Foot
Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach, flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking appears to accelerate this process, so that an ice cream bar, or hot dog eaten at the state fair actually has a calorie deficit. 
Anything eaten in front of the t.v. has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage,which negates not only the calories in the food but all recollections of having eaten it. 
Pies and cakes should be cut neatly
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out. 
Food used for medicinal purposes
These all act as a poultice that actually draws out the calories when placed on any food, leaving them calorie-free. Afterward , you can eat the poultice,too, as all calories are neutralized by it. Sausage, mini-franks, cheese and crackers are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom. Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby-food custard, consumed for demonstration purposes, up to and including cookies baked to send to college. 
Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cakes,
Becky Poo |