CHILDREN'S ANSWERS IN MUSIC EDUCATION.

These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri, circa 1989. Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter.

• It is important to be able to reach the brakes on any piano.
• Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
• It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
• My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people hardly ever play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
• I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?
• The plural form of musical instrument is known as orchestra.
• Tubas are a bit too much.
• A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only the opposite.
• The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
• The flute is a skinny-shape-high-sounded instrument.
• Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word used by many player-types.
• Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
• The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
• For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
• The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
• Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes.
• Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
• A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
• Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
• Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
• When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sound. So would anybody.
• The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
• While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
• A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
• Another name for kettle drums is timpani. Or else you can just stick with the first name and learn it good.
• Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
• You should always say 'chili' when you mean there are two or more cellos.
• A tuba is much larger than its name.
• A harp is a nude piano.
• My favorite composer is Opus.
• My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
• Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
• Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
• Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
• A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.
• Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. So that's why he came to America.
• I know what a sextet is but I'm not allowed to say.
• Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
• When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
• In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.
• An opera is a song of bigly size.
• Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
• Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
• Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
• Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
• John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
• Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music

GOLDEN RULES FOR ENSEMBLE PLAYING (OR SINGING)

• 1. Everyone should play the same piece.
• 2. Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat or not. The audience will love this a lot!
• 3. If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners.
• 4. Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others.
• 5. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience.
• 6. Take your time turning pages.
• 7. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice versa).
• 8. If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost.
• 9. Strive to get the maximum NPS (note per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent.
• 10. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the score.
• 11. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end.
• 12. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should tune".
• 13. Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs.
• 14. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested.
• 15. A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original.
• 16. When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left.
• 17. A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played
• with authority is an interpretation.

THE YOUNG PERSON'S GUIDE TO THE CHORUS

In any chorus, there are four voice parts: soprano, alto, tenor, and bass. Sometimes these are divided into first and second within each part, prompting endless jokes about first and second basses. There are also various other parts such as baritone, countertenor, contralto, mezzo soprano, etc., but these are mostly used by people who are either soloists, or belong to some excessively hotshot classical a cappella group (this applies especially to countertenors), or are trying to make excuses for not really fitting into any of the regular voice parts, so we will ignore them for now.

Each voice part sings in a different range, and each one has a very different personality. You may ask, "Why should singing different notes make people act differently?", and indeed this is a mysterious question and has not been adequately studied, especially since scientists who study musicians tend to be musicians themselves and have all the peculiar complexes that go with being tenors, french horn players, timpanists, or whatever. However, this is beside the point; the fact remains that the four voice parts can be easily distinguished, and I will now explain how.

THE SOPRANOS are the ones who sing the highest, and because of this they think they rule the world. They have longer hair, fancier jewelry, and swishier skirts than anyone else, and they consider themselves insulted if they are not allowed to go at least to a high F in every movement of any given piece. When they reach the high notes, they hold them for at least half again as long as the composer and/or conductor requires, and then complain that their throats are killing them and that the composer and conductor are sadists. Sopranos have varied attitudes toward the other sections of the chorus, though they consider all of them inferior.

The altos are to sopranos rather like second violins to first violins - nice to harmonize with, but not really necessary. All sopranos have a secret feeling that the altos could drop out and the piece would sound essentially the same, and they don't understand why anybody would sing in that range in the first place - it's so boring.

The tenors, on the other hand, can be very nice to have around; besides their flirtation possibilities (it is a well-known fact that sopranos never flirt with basses), sopranos like to sing duets with tenors because all the tenors are doing is working very hard to sing in a low-to-medium soprano range, while the sopranos are up there in the stratosphere showing off.

To sopranos, basses are the scum of the earth - they sing too damn loud, are useless to tune because they're down in that low, low range - and there has to be something wrong with anyone who sings in the F clef, anyway.

THE ALTOS are the salt of the earth - in their opinion, at least. Altos are unassuming people, who would wear jeans to concerts if they were allowed to. Altos are in a unique position in the chorus in that they are unable to complain about having to sing either very high or very low, and they know that all the other sections think their parts are pitifully easy. But the altos know otherwise. They know that while the sopranos are screeching away on a high A, they are being forced to sing elaborate passages full of sharps and flats and tricks of rhythm, and nobody is noticing because the sopranos are singing too loud (and the basses usually are too). Altos get a deep, secret pleasure out of conspiring together to tune the sopranos flat. Altos have an innate distrust of tenors, because the tenors sing in almost the same range and think they sound better.

They like the basses, and enjoy singing duets with them - the basses just sound like a rumble anyway, and it's the only time the altos can really be heard. Altos' other complaint is that there are always too many of them and so they never get to sing really loud.

THE TENORS are spoiled. That's all there is to it. For one thing, there are never enough of them, and choir directors would rather sell their souls than let a halfway decent tenor quit, while they're always ready to unload a few altos at half price. And then, for some reason, the few tenors are always really good - it's one of those annoying facts of life. So it's no wonder that tenors always get swollen heads after all, who else can make sopranos swoon? The one thing that can make tenors insecure is the accusation (usually by the basses) that anyone singing that high couldn't possibly be a real man.. In their usual perverse fashion, the tenors never acknowledge this, but just complain louder about the composer being a sadist and making them sing so damn high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the conductor, too, because the conductor is always telling them to sing louder because there are so few of them. No conductor in recorded history has ever asked for less tenor in a forte passage. Tenors feel threatened in some way by all the other sections - the sopranos because they can hit those incredibly high notes; the altos because they have no trouble singing the notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the basses because, although they can't sing anything above an E, they sing it loud enough to drown the tenors out. Of course, the tenors would rather die than admit any of this. It is a little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than anyone else while singing.

THE BASSES sing the lowest of anybody. This basically explains everything. They are stolid, dependable people, and have more facial hair than anybody else. The basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have a deep conviction that they are actually the most important part (a view endorsed by musicologists, but certainly not by sopranos or tenors), despite the fact that they have the most boring part of anybody and often sing the same note (or in endless fifths) for an entire page. They compensate for this by singing as loudly as they can get away with - most basses are tuba players at heart. Basses are the only section that can regularly complain about how low their part is, and they make horrible faces when trying to hit very low notes. Basses are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so far as tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate tuning the tenors more than almost anything else. Basses like altos - except when they have duets and the altos get the good part. As for the sopranos, they are simply in an alternate universe which the basses don't understand at all. They can't imagine why anybody would ever want to sing that high and sound that bad when they make mistakes. When a bass makes a mistake, the other three parts will cover him, and he can continue on his merry way, knowing that sometime, somehow, he will end up at the root of the chord.

THE TOP TEN BOOKS FOR MUSICIANS THAT NEVER GOT PUBLISHED:

1. 1. The Genius of Ricky Martin
2. 2. Wedding Gigs That Changed My Life
3. 3. Female Vocalists: Lasting Partnerships and Musical Artistry
4. 4. The Incredible Guitar Wizardry of Steve Miller
5. 5. A Guide to Jazz Chord Progressions -- by Jerry Lee Lewis
6. 6. Get Rich as a Lounge Band Musician
7. 7. Agents and Promoters: Profiles in Kindness
8. 8. The Dave Clark 5: Music Legends
9. 9. Learn Songwriting in One Hour
10. 10. Millionaire Trombone Players

For all those who think that Music Majors have it easy in school...

Subject: Doctoral Music Exam - you have 1 hour.

1. 1. Explain the difference between sforza, sforzando, sforzata, and La ForzaDel Destino. Be specific.
2. 2. What is the diameter of the hole in the water key on your instrument? If your instrument does not have a water key, what is the diameter of the third moon of Jupiter?
3. 3. List Johann Sebastian Bach's children (include middle names) and give:
4. a. Date of birth
5. b. Date of death (if deceased)
6. c. Last known address
7. d. Social Security number
8. 4. Name the composers who wrote a First Symphony.
9. 5. Give the opening theme of each symphony in #4 (above).
10. 6. What is the relationship and musical significance of the 10th and 11th bars of the aria "Soldaten, Soldaten" to the aria's final bars (1048-1063) in the Alban Berg opera "Wozzeck"?
11. 7. Who conducted "Tannhauser" at the 1847 Bayreuth Festival? Was he right or left-handed?
12. 8. Trace the development of the "Family Unity" theme in Richard Strauss' "Sinfonia Domestica". In which key(s) is it presented?
13. 9. Describe in detail the formula for the varnish on violins made by Stradivari during the first third of his career. Explain how this varnish differs from varnish used on his violas. What modern substances could be effectively substituted in duplicating this formula today?
14. 10. What is the optimum acidity/alkalinity (expressed in pH) for soil in which cane for bassoon reeds are to be grown? For bass clarinet reeds?
15. 11. Name the bones and muscles involved in forming a brass player's embouchure.
16. 12. What is the advantage of using xylophone mallet heads made of:
17. a. Ebony
18. b. Teak
19. c. Philippine Mahogany
20. d. Compressed moose chips
21. 13. Argue both sides of the following statement:
22. "The most important element in music is rhythm."
23. Critique both arguments and decide which is correct, or more nearly correct.
24. Compose a three-movement symphonic metamorphosis (not to exceed 1 hour in length) on a theme by Ned Rorem to support your decision.
25. 14. Defend Mozart's use of the glass harmonica and explain why this instrument has lapsed into disfavor, especially among punk rock groups.
26. 15. Give the "Slap-Back" time in seconds (to three decimal places) of each hall used by all major American and European orchestras. Defend you selection of each orchestra as a major orchestra, and name each orchestra's past and present conductors.
27. 16. In which of his symphonies did Franz Joseph Haydn use:
28. a. Clarinets
29. b. Horns
30. c. Tympani
31. d. Bassoons
32. 17. Write the first 25 bars of Stravinsky's "Circus Polka" (from memory), and analyze.
33. 18. What is the Kochel number of Mozart's 4th Horn Concerto?
34. 19. Develop a simple set of rules that explain the harmonic and melodic progressions, voice leadings, and rhythmic notation of the music of Bartok.
35. 20. Give the ratio between the bore and overall length of a Couesnon Contra-Bass trombone, Model G-571a, when the slide is in flat 4th position.
36. If the position is used in conjunction with both thumb valves (F and D) to play the 7th note of the overtone series, what note will be sounded? Will it be sharp, flat, or in tune? If sharp or flat, by how many hundredths of a semitone?
37. 21. Who invented the Ocarina? In what year? Why?
38. 22. Explain the musical inconsistencies as to key, notation, accidentals, etc, found in the original score of Robert Schumann's Symphony #3.
39. 23. Write a seven-voice motet in the style of Orlando di Lassus in invertible counterpoint. Extra credit if the motet can also be performed backwards.
40. 24. Using materials commonly found in the kitchen, construct a 15 rank, 3-manual positiv organ (with pedals) and use it to perform two pieces by Oliver Messiaen.
41. 25. Reconstruct the missing movements of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.
42. 26. Give the Russian, German, and Serbo-Croatian equivalents of the following Italian terms: Tuffato, Con Amore, Cadenza, Fugato, Garbonzo, Mafioso, and Ferrari.
43. 27. Explain why Benny Goodman could use parallel octaves but you can't.

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• * "I think you should go with a bigger mouthpiece"
• * "Nobody's playing 88H's anymore"
• * "You'll never win an audition if you play it like that"
• * "You need to get a Thayer conversion"
• * "I'm sick of teaching, let's go get a beer"

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Jazz Trombone Teacher Doll:

• * Vintage 1970's clothes (only 1 outfit available)

In addition, you may choose a joke/anecdote repertoire for your trombone teacher:

Choose from the following topics:

• * Really bad gigs I've played
• * I remember when we did ____ to the conductor
• * The most I ever drank
• * When I was on the road with Kenton......
• * Politically incorrect jokes

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Talking Trombone Teacher also comes with a Repertoire Pak (specify

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• * Rimsky-Korsakov Concerto
• * The Ride
• * Mahler 3
• * David Concerto
• * Blue Bells
• * Rochut Books 1-3
• * Arban's Method
• * Blazevich Clef Studies

YOU'VE BEEN IN BAND TOO LONG.......

1. When you hear music and start marking time.
2. When you walk in step with the person in front of you.
3. When you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song.
4. When all of your friends are in band
5. When you don't mind changing clothes on the bus
6. When you point out key changes and dynamics while listening to the radio.
7. When you like wearing your uniform.
8. When every guy/girl you're interested in is in the band
9. When people ask you about your social life and you say, "Oh, you mean my flute/trumpet/drum/etc.?"
10. When you consider your drill book a fashion accessory.
11. When you've had a "trombone-ectomy."
12. When you practice your instrument more than you talk to your dog.
13. When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life
14. When people worry when they see you without your instrument.
15. When "armed guard" means a girl with a pole instead of a guy with a gun.
16. When band camp is FUN.
17. When someone says the word "box" and you automatically put your head up.
18. When you remember flats and sharps more easily than your name.
19. When you dress the lunch line and urge others to do the same.
20. When you're alone and you suffocate because there's no one telling you to breathe.
21. When slides feel normal
22. When your instrument has a name
23. When you remember your instrument's birthday and forget your mom's.
24. When making a line is your biggest accomplishment of the day
25. When marching backwards no longer reminds you of ballet.
26. When you give your instrument a birthday party.
27. When you can make brown shoes look white.
28. When your uniform fits.
29. When black feathers become a fashion "do."
30. When you see your section more than you see your family
31. When everyone wants to kill the other football team...and you want to kill the other band
32. When you think evening practices should last a half-hour longer.
33. When you accidentally call you band director "Dad"
34. When you CAN sight-read
35. When you can put your uniform on in less than 10 minutes.
36. When reeds taste good
37. When you think your plume is alive
38. When marking time is your favorite form of exercise.
39. When you have a neck strap/harness tan line.
40. When you subconsciously start practicing with a pencil
41. When numbers past 8 aren't important.
42. When you roll-step through the cafeteria so you don't spill your lunch.
43. When you'd rather practice than read this list.
44. When letters past G aren't important.
45. When everybody fights like family
46. When you root for the other football team to lessen the time of your season
47. When you know everybody else's personal business
48. When you've practiced so long, the color guard is together
49. When you have no more secrets
50. When you don't try to hide the fact that you're in band
51. When you subconsciously start humming your music
52. When you know not only your own part, but everyone else's too.
53. When you eat lunch with all of the other band people.
54. When you start to eat lunch in the band room
55. When you can tell who's in the bathroom by looking at their sneakers under the stall.
56. When you resort to humming your band music to fall asleep.
57. When wide open spaces stir up an urge to march your show.
58. When you have a pin from every competition you've been to.
59. When you friends that aren't in marching band create a group called "non-marchers"
60. When you have 2 instruments-a junky one for marching band and a good one for concert band
61. When dreams of marching are constantly in your head.
62. When you can't go to the movies on weekends with your friends.
63. When you don't see your parents on the weekends
64. When your free time is spent on homework.
65. When the drummers actually start to make sense
66. When you wear your band shirt in public
67. When you have your friends call you to attention before you walk anywhere.
68. When your furniture is dented from banging drumsticks on it
69. When you prefer classical music other than modern music
70. When the French horn section sounds good
71. When the piccolos play in perfect unison
72. When the trumpet section's echo seems normal.
73. When you hang out with your instrument section and tell others they aren't invited because they aren't part of your section

Depression

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the

subject of manic depression.

She posed this question to her students: "How would you diagnose a patient

who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then

sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A Band

Director?"

An Instrumentalist's Confession

Almighty and most merciful conductor

We have erred and strayed from Thy beat like lost sheep;

We have followed too much the intonations and tempi of our own hearts

We have offended against Thy dynamic markings

We have left unplayed those notes which we ought to have played

And we have played those notes which we ought not to have played

And there is no support in us.

But Thou, O conductor, have mercy upon us miserable players;

Succour the instrumentally challenged;

Restore Thou them that need sectionals;

Spare thou them that have pencils.

Pardon our mistakes, and have faith that hereafter we will follow Thy

directions

And play together in perfect harmony. Amen.

Tie Breaking Ideas Where Money Is No Object.

1. Flood Camp Randall Stadium with 3 feet of water. Put all corps members in canoes and let them battle it out. Last vessel floating wins.

2. Bury a gold plated horn somewhere under the field. Give both drum majors a metal detector. First one who finds the horn wins.

3. Take out every other rest note in the snare score. (I once had an instructor who requested that idea, but I didn't think the crowd was ready for that until now.) Bonus points for not playing any rim shots.

4. Have corps play from buses parked on the field out the windows. Pit can perform from storage bays. Drivers are allowed to use the vehical horn.

5. Introducing sudden death overtime. If after playing the show three more times they continue to tie introduce the tic system.

6. Send counselors down to the field to review intentions of the show design with the cymbal players. Biggest breakthrough revelations made wins.

7. Volleyball match would probably never work, to many members on the field and nobody makes a net the length of the 50 yard line.

8. Bring judges down to the field to hold up place cards with individual caption scores directly after each show -- olympic style. Hey! that might make some sense.

9. Have the crowd come down to the field and let them pin dollar bills on the colorgaurd if they like the show. Have a DCI official standing by with a tip jar to tally the total.

10. Have entire horn line empty spit valves into a giant test tube. Have DNA totally studied to find most talented members. Strongest gene pool wins.

Drum Jokes

Two drummers walk into a bar...which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.

A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson.

"I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for $10?".

The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used."

• Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
• A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!
• Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
• A: His personality!

Two girls are walking along when they hear..."Psst! Down here!"

They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.

The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"

The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"

• Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian."

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

• Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
• A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.

A guy walks into a shop.

"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"

"You're a drummer, aren't you?"

"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"

"This is a travel agency."

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."

At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"

"Bass solo."

• Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
• A: One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")
• Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
• A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?

You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.

If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?

The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

A lady walks into a store and tell the man behind the counter she would like some musican brains. "Alright" he says, "What kind?".

"How much do they cost?" she asks.

"Well, those there are trumpeters at $5 a pound, those are french horns at $7 a pound, and those are conductors' at $10 a pound." He replies.

"What are those way back there?" she asks.

"Those are drummers brains. They cost $100 a pound." He replies. "GOODNESS!!", she exclaims, "Why are they so expensive?"

"Lady, do you realize how many drummers it takes to get a pound of brains?!?!".

What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla?

A really dumb gorrilla!!! (ba-dump bump )

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"

"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

• Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: None. They have a machine to do that now.
• Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
• A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
• Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
• A: Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it!

Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?

Me either.

• Q:Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
• A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds:

"No, that's God. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich."

• Q: How can you make a drummer slow down?
• A: Put a sheet of music in front of him
• Q #2: How can you make that drummer stop?
• A: Put notes on it!
• Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
• A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.

A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "excuse me,

I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings."

The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says "pardon?"

"I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings."

The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says "you're a drummer aren't you?"

"Yeah! How did you know man?"

"This is a fish and chip shop."

Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!

Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both.

• Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
• A: A drummer.
• Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
• A: The knocking speeds up.
• Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
• A: He doesn't know when to come in.

Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his

keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out....

• Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
• A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them.

He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..."

SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..."

SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..."

SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..."

SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling.

Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside.

"So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?"

Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, "I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman." The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys." "Ok," says the first, "you're on."

The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week. The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?" "190." So they chat for a while about the stock market,particle physics, and Non-Euclidean geometry.

"Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him "What's you're IQ?" "About 100." So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar.

"Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy in a muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?"

"About 60."

"What kind of sticks do you use?"

• Q: What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
• A: Drool.
• Q: How can you tell when the stage riser is level?
• A: The drools comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
• Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
• A: Homeless.
• Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
• A: "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."
• Q: What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
• A: "Would you like fries with that?"

Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country Western and Bluegrass

Musicians and Their Translated "Country" Definitions:

• Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
• Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
• Ritard -- There's one in ever family
• Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
• Relative Minor -- A girl friend
• Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring in two banjo players
• Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
• Repeat -- What they do until they just expel you
• Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
• Bass -- The things you run around in softball
• Portamento -- A foreign country you always wanted to see
• Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
• Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
• Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
• A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
• Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
• Cut time -- Parole
• Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at a bar
• Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
• Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
• Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
• Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
• Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
• Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
• Clef -- What you try never to fall off of.
• Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off.
• Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes," or "Do-ri-toes."
• Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.
• Melodic Minor -- Loretta's Lynn's singing son.
• 12-Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer with.
• Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul.
• Sonata -- What you get with a bad cold or hay fever.
• Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
• Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone.
• Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hoped to catch, and when.
• French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
• Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.
• Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives.
• Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.
• First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
• Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
• Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain, "Damn! That was a major scale!"
• Aeolian Mode -- How you like Ma's cherry pie
• Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.

How-to-Book for Novice "Fighting Band" Directors

1. Always place the trombones in the first row to enter combat. If you have recruited correctly these will be people with longer arms which are usually, but not always, attached to larger people. A good big person will usually beat a good small person in a fight.

2. In the second row put your tuba players and baritone players. Usually these people are recruited from families which are economically stressed and can not afford to buy them an instrument. This usually makes them mentally tough and with an attitude. A sousaphone mouthpiece attached and frozen in place to two neck bits can also be used effectively as a hammer in the fight. Do have this group place their instruments out of harms way as their replacement will come out of your budget and they are expensive.

3. In a surprise move here, place your saxophones in the third row. Have the players use the instruments as they would baseball bats. With a little luck the instruments will be damaged and will not be able to be repaired until the concert season is completed.

4. The percussion section should be next. Many of this group will think they are at a "Rock Concert" when the fighting starts and will really get into the swing of the fight. Later you may explain it to them if you wish and have the time. Drum sticks should be of the metal kind for durability throughout the fighting season.

5. You should move all of the french horn players out of the line of fire. These are usually people who were too talented to play any of the other brass instruments and should not be wasted. There may be small group who will fit into the tuba and baritone players description. These should go into battle here.

6. Next you will want your trumpet players. How well this group performs will depend on how many french horn players are standing on the side line cheering for them and telling them how good they are. This row may not perform without a cheering section.

7. Clarinets and flute players would come in at the last moment. The instruments and players may not be too much use to you in the heat of battle and should be used only in "mop up" operations.

8. Double reed players should not be out here. However, if you have them doubling as percussion or flag carriers then send them to the sidelines to cheer on the trumpets.

9. What should you do with the flag bearers and twirlers? I haven't a clue. I never could figure out why they were out there in the first place.

10. A bit of overall advice is that you must supply your band with "junker" instruments so nothing worthwhile will be damaged. If performed correctly you will be able to get your band on national television, get the administration's attention and replace all the "junker" instruments with high quality concert band instruments.

11. Good luck to you in your endeavor and one final bit of advice. You might wish to teach your band to hum "Colonel Bogey" or the "Stars and Stripes Forever" to use as fight songs as they march into battle.

Musician Jokes (In Score Order)

How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?	Shoot one.
What's the definition of a minor second?	Two flutists playing in unison.
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?	No one cries when you chop up the oboe.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?	You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?	To get away from the bassoon recital.
What's the definition of a nerd?	Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?	Gifted.
What's the difference between a car and a soprano sax?	You can tune the car.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?	Vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?	Five. One to handle the job and four to say how much better they could have done it.
How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?	Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
What's the definition of a gentleman?	Someone who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't do it.
A frog, driving his car on the highway, passes a trombone player driving his car. What's the difference between the two?	The frog is on his way to a gig.
Why did the French Horn player break up with his girlfriend?	Everytime he kissed her, he tried to put his hand up her butt.
What's the range of a tuba?	Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?	None. They have machines to do that now.
How can you tell if a violin is playing out of tune?	The bow is moving.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?	Sit in the back and don't play.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog?	The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato?	Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
How do you know when there is a viola section at your front door?	No one knows when to come in.
Why are violins smaller that violas?	They're really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?	The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?	So the cellists don't have to be retrained.
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?	He turned one of the tuning pegs and wouldn't tell which one.
What's the definition of a really bad bass player?	Even the section notices.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?	Who cares??

The Village People Meets Star Wars

Y.O.D.A (To the tune of the Village People's "Y.M.C.A")(As sung by Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said

YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said

YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I

*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*

YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am

WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you

GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say

*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.

He's 900 years old!

He's so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

 

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A

Come and get yourself clean!

Come and have a good meal!

Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!

 

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into

SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this

TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got

*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*

YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is

COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be

HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is

*MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*

 

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.

He's 900 years old!

He's so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

 

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A

Don't just stand in the rain!

You're all covered with mud!

come and sample my homemade crud!

 

OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't

TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his

OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha

*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*

YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be

GOING, off to save all your friends? To be

TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you

*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK*

 

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A

You should stay here and train!

You don't have to save Han!

If you do so, you'll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.

(repeat and fade).

Beethoven

A tourist is going through a graveyard in Vienna and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.

"No", says the expert, "DO YOU GET IT?"

"He's decomposing"

Some pretty good jokes!

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?	A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Why are viola jokes so short?	So violinists can understand them.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?	A dog knows when to stop scratching.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?	None. They can't get up that high.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?	No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and the instrument?	Violins don't have spit valves.
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?	Write "pp, espressivo.".
How long does a harp stay in tune?	About twenty minutes, or until someone opens a door.
Why was the piano invented?	So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
What is a burning oboe good for?	Setting a bassoon on fire.
Why did the chicken cross the road?	To get away from the bassoon recital.
What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?	A bad oboist can kill you.
What's the definition of "nerd"?	Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover, "I think you'd better pull out now."	He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?	"Hi. I'm better than you."
How do french horn players traditionally greet each other?	"Hi. I played that piece last year."
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?	It's easier to improvise on a chain saw.
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?	Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?	On or off.
How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?	Three. One to hold the lightbulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to twenty minutes?	So they don't have to retrain the drummers.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?	A drummer.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?	Drool.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door.	The knock always slows down.
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?	Ask him to play 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Why do bands have bass players?	To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?	It took two hours to get the drummer out.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?	Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before he figures out that they can't just be pushed in.
What do you call 5 horn players living together?	A Crack house!
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?	Vibrato, although you can minimize the difference by holding the chain saw very still

At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section, "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"

The first bassist pulls all his strings and says' "Our tuning is correct; all our strings are equally tight."

The first violinist turns around and says, "You idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the green room after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"

Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint:

"Write your repertoire."

Do You Like the Marching Band?  by Jay and Wendy Rees

I am Sam

I am Sam

Sam I am.

That Sam I am

That Sam I am

I do not like that Sam I am.

Do you like the marching band?

I do not like it, Sam I am

I do not like the marching band.

Would you march from here to there?

I would not march from here to there

I would not march most anywhere

I do not like the marching band

I do not like it, Sam I am.

Would you always be on time?

And never wander out of line?

Memorize your music well?

Because the audience can tell.

I never get to class on time

I don't know how to stand in line

To know my music all by heart

Is not a project I will start

I do not like the marching band

I do not like it, Sam I am.

Would you, could you roll your feet?

And keep your uniform pressed and neat?

I would not, could not roll my feet

Or keep my chin up in this heat.

Would you practice out of class

To get results out on the grass?

You may like band, you will see

The work is worth it, believe you me!

I do not like to march around

So don't tell me how to "Bear Down."

Being part of a group is not my scene

And I hear Prof. Rees is mean

I do not like the marching band

I do not like the marching band

I do not like it, Sam I am.

We do it for the love of art

It comes from deep within our heart

Listen and keep an open mind

The energy you need you'll find

When you push yourself to a personal best

Your inner strength will do the rest

You do not like it, so you say

Try it! Try it! And you may

Try it and you may, I say.

Sam, if you will let me be

I will try it, you will see

I will try the marching band

I will try it, Sam I am.

Say, I like the marching band

I do, I like it, Sam I am

And I'll do it for the love of art

And I will learn my part

And you will see me march around

While I play that old "Bear Down"

Practicing outside of class

Will get results out on the grass

And I will roll from heel to toe

To be part of this group will make me grow

With 250 members together

Our memories will last forever

So, I will march from here to there

Say, I will march most anywhere

I do so like the marching band

I do so like it, Sam I am

I do so like it, Sam I am

I do so like the marching band

Thank you

Thank you

Sam I am.

Not a Musical Joke, but pretty funny anyway.

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another.

On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?

GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS

ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes

AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle

BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.

CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't

CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola"

CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes

CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs

CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa

CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong - or

CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster

CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.

DUCTIA: A lot of mallards

EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn

ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec

GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums

HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett

INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: A long time Minor Interval: A few bars Inverted Interval: When you have to back one bar and try again

INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages

ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the other half

MINNESINGER: A boy soprano

MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as faking

NEUMS: Renaissance midgets

NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets

ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings"

PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education

ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts

TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge

LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns

SANCTA: Clausula's husband

LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale

DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys

LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows

VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai

CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister

MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded

ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one

PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire

DUCTIA: Vire's organum

MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line

BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short

TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all

TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early

LONGA: The time between visits with Vire

PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai

CROTCHET: An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used

DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet

RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet

SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet

ISORHYTHM: The individual process of releif when Vire is out of town

ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, cause by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper

HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum

QUAVER: Beginning viol class

RACKETT: Capped reeds class

RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi

SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church

SUPERTONIC: Schweppes

TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece

TROPE: A malevolent Neum

TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts

STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ

AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer

METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city

ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer

RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had

ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras

Trombone Jokes

Lead trombone players

• Must warm up on the higest possible note.
• Blame wrong notes on their slide.
• Never wash their horn.
• Wears "luckey" underwear to gigs.
• Are in constant competetion with the lead trumpet.
• Eat the most food at gigs.
• Hates saxophone players.

Second trombone

• Can play REALLY fast but not very high.
• Gets all of the jazz solos.
• Overblows horn.
• Never gets Tux cleaned.
• Prays every gig that the lead player will be sick
• Has newest horn.
• Dosent mind saxophones.

Third trombone player

• Is always on time.
• Has been in the band since dirt was invented.
• Watches the rise and fall of lead players.
• Must be in by midnight or wife will be mad.
• Sets up band.
• Drives bus or pulls equipment trailer.
• Drinks gin and tonics.
• Second tenor sax player is best friend.

Bass Bone.

• Consider their chair a "solo" position.
• Takes everything down an octave or two or three.
• Passes gas from both ends,,,, during gigs.
• Loves bean burritos.
• Brings every mute they have ever owned to gigs.
• Drinks hugh quantities of odd beer like "Grolschenviner"
• Dosnt know or care that the sax section exists.

Oldies But Goodies

Q: What is the definition of a minor second?	A: 2 flutists playing in unison.
Q: What do you call a house occupied by 5 horn players?	A: A crack house.
Q: How do you know if a singer is at the front door?	A: She can't find her key?
Q: Why is a conductor like a condom?	A: It's safer with one, but more fun without one.
Q: How do musicians traditionally greet each other?	A: 1. Hi. I played that last year.
	2. Hi. I played this in high school.
Q: Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?	A: They've had little use.
Q: Why do musician's have to be awake by six o'clock?	A: Most shops close at 6:30.
Q: Why are viola jokes so short?	A: So violinists can understand them.
Q: What is the only thing worse than having a piccolo in a band?	A: Having 2.
Q: What's the definition of a nerd?	A: Anyone who owns their own alto clarinet.
Q: What is perfect pitch?	A: When you can lob a clarinet into the toilet without hitting the rim.
Q: If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off of a tall building at the same time, which will hit the ground first?	A: Who cares?
Q: What happened to Bach after he had 20 children?	A: His organ baroque.
Q: What's the difference between a band director and God?	A: God knows he's not a band director.
Q: Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?	A: They kept saying, "BACH BACH BACH!"
Q: How can you tell if a viola section is at your door?	A: No one knows when to come in.
Jimmy: "Mommy, I want to be a trombone player when I grow up."	Mother: "But, Jimmy, you can't do both."
There is nothing better than the sound of an oboe, except maybe the sound of a cat caught in a vaccuum cleaner.
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet player and a gov't bond?	A: Eventually, the bond will mature and earn money.
Q: What is better than roses on your piano?	A: Tulips on your organ.
Q:What is burning an oboe good for?	A: Catching the bassoon on fire.
Q: How do you know that a percussionist is at your door?	A: The knocking slows down.

Schubert's Unmanaged Symphony

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she gave the ticket to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning she asked him how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few observations about the symphony in general, she was handed a formal memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement,then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony.