Rules For Sophisticated Kitties
These are taken from the January issue of Cats Mag.
Well, what can I say. I am almost a year old now, and I have pretty much learned the tools
of the trade. However I know that there are many young 'uns out there who have yet to understand exactly
what it means to be a cat. It means not only are you in charge, but you have a code to live by,
a code that everycat must obey. Here are the basics. If you have any questions feel free to e-mail me. I can help even the most desperate kitty. With all that said,
On with the show.
- 1. Cats are not dogs. Don't act like a dog and certainly don't allow your human to treat you like
one. Period
- 2. Dogs need people (dogs are needy). People need cats (people are needy). Cats sometimes want
what people have (cats are greedy, but we are never needy).
- 3. What cats want, cats get. If you don't get waht you want, help yourself to it.
- 4. You have the right to do anything you please.
- 5. Don't let humans think for one minute that they own you. Humans own only the privilege of sharing
their lives and everything else, with cats.
- 6. You must act superior-because you are
- 7. The reason doors exist is for cats to be on the other side of them. The humans function is to open all
doors for you.
- 8. Any comfortable place in the house is fair game for sleeping. You are free to doze in, on and around:
open suitcate; black clothing (if you are a white cat); white clothing (if you are a black cat); computer keyboards;
televisions; refrigerator tops; any box or bowl one size smaller than you are; an empty (or full) bag; a humans head
or lap; any reading material currently being read; and of course, the kitchen sink.
- 9. Instilling fear in your human is an essential part of his/her training to let sleeping cats lie. Whatever a
human thinks he needs that you may be lying on can wait until you're good and ready to get off of it. Hiss if you
have to.
- 10. All furniture is maintained for your convienience. Therefore, any shelf, counter, bookcase, wall unit,
cabinet, major appliance, desk, etc. (regardless of type or breakability of items thereon) is a suitable surface
for jumping, walking across, stretching out on or just sitting and looking around on.
- 11. The likelihood that you will choose a piece of furniture as your favorite scratching post is directly
related to its cost.
- 12. Humans love to wear cat fur; it's your duty to sleep on the article of clothing that shows
off your fur to its best advantage (see rule 9).
- 13. The appropriate responses to an empty or near empty food dish or (God forbid) a late dinner
are pitiful meows, back and forth pacing and sad, soulful, reproachful gazing at your human.
- 14. When presented with food, you may either walk away from the dish, sit down and stare into space,
or regard the contents with a "You expect me to eat this?" type of look. Continue to turn up your nose
at subsequent offerings until your human thinks you're sick and calls the vet. Then, and only then, should
you eat the first food item offered. But act like you don't really like it that much.
- 15. You must occasionally covince your human that you really, really like a certain brand of food. When
your human buys a lot of it on sale, you will, of course, never touch it again.
- 16. Any food or drink intented for human consumption should be taste tested by a cat. If deemed
edible by you, demand a fair portion or, in the case of certain fish, meats and cheeses, all of the desired
item.
- 17. You are entitled to consume your human's meal while he/she is eating it.
- 18. When offered a ball of liverwurst with a pill hidden inside, eat the liverwurst but spit out the pill.
- 19. Never come when called (remember Rule #1).
- 20. Never acknowledge a human who speaks to you in "baby talk." It's truly beneath your dignity.
- 21. Routinely ignore stupid human questions, such as: "What are you eating?"; "Will you get down?";
"Is that my good sweater?" Humans should be seen and not heard.
- 22. Even if you hear them, act like you're deaf, dumb, and blind. Turn back your ears, squeeze your eyes
shut and hold very still. This makes humans go away.
- 23. Humans may pet you, but only on your terms.
- 24. Reserve purring for when you're feeling especially good, but use your purr sparingly-it spoils humans.
- 25. Allow petting when you're sleeping and even when you just pretend to be sleeping.
- 26. Act like any gift (cat toy, new collar) is totally beneath you. Cats cannot be bought.
- 27. Only play with your toys when your human isn't looking. If they catch you playing, stop
immediately, and look around as if confused, then lick your fur.
- 28. Never pose for a photograph or do tricks for the video camera (see Rule #1).
- 29. Sleep in positions that look the most uncomfortable to your human.
- 30. Wash anywhere, anytime and in any position you please. If your human makes a remark, ignore
him/her.
- 31. It's ok for your human to call you cute when you're a kitten. But when you're a cat, you must
be referred to as beautiful.
- 32. Stay out as long as you like, whenever you like, wherever you like, and never let your humans
know here you've been.
- 33. Ignore all "Here kitty, kitty" calls. When human panic sets in, waltz up, rub against legs and act
like you don't know what all the fuss is about.
- 34. Accept all forms of gratitude in the way of food when you decide to grace them with your presence. Allow
them to feel gulity for leaving the door open.
- 35. From time to time get yourself in a mildly risky situation (up a tall tree, stuck in a hole). When rescued
act like nothing happened but accept all food gifts offered.
- 36. If you get into a truly dangerous situation (trapped in the clothes hamper, hitching a ride in the wrong
vehicle), act like you meant to choose that spot after you're rescued. Don't eat just any treats offered
after you're saved; instead, act "traumatized" and hold out for the good stuff.
- 37. Resist hugs, kisses, and other non-food forms of affection from overly attentive humans. Squirm,
jump out of their grasp and vigorously wash fur.
- 38. Peer into space as if seeing something no one else can see. It makes humans wonder if you're
supernatural. You are, of course.
- 39. Jump at non-exisitent objects floating in the air; it makes humans wonder some more.
- 40. Occasionally tear through the house as if chasing a demon, then stop on a dime and wash yourself.
This really makes them wonder.
- 41. For no particular reason, start meowing.
- 42. Remember: Begin you most vigorous playtime after midnight.
- 43. Circle lovingly around your human's ankles, but only when he/she has both hands full and is about
to drop something.
- 44. Show affection by putting your furry (but beautiful) behind in your humans face.
Well that concludes it. I hope this gives all you kittens
out there something to go by. I know it's hard work being a cat, so many things to remember. But in
the long run, these rules will make you a superior being, like me!
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