Husband should use his power to try to achieve true agreement and partnership. Two visions impede agreement. We must submit out of strength rather than weakness. The weak should be trained to be assertive by the strong. Until a strong person can say "yes," your "no" is true. Until a compliant person can say "no," your "yes" is not true.  

Proverbs 31: Portrait of a strong woman ~ They are really not rare. Don't be self-employed if you are not a workaholic. She works at all levels of the business. She is intelligent, diligent, wants to do right, and is respected throughout the community. Strong people have a vision.

Different visions damage a relationship. Never ask, "If we get married, do you think that you can live with my vision?" The real question is "Does God want us to be married?" Everyone has a vision of the way things are supposed to be. It is not a matter of disliking the vision. Can you truly embrace it?

Scripture does not back the idea of a perfect marriage. Both people must give up their visions for their house vision, preferably before the marriage. How do you give up your vision? PAIN

The house vision must be jointly made. Godly relationships are God's priority over ministry. Marriage first - then missions. When you put vision ahead of relationship, it causes violence and vengeance. These are enemies of God.

Leadership vs. lording it over someone ~ Leadership asks for support. The other requires unquestioning obedience. Agreement comes by righteous processes. It requires a submissive attitude toward God by both people. We do what He says and He does what He says. God reasons with us. His business is love. If you want to love it is easy to come into agreement with God. Then God says "Ask whatever you want and I will do it." Theoretically, we agree with God. Practically, it has to be worked out. Two people come to God and ask Him for a house vision.

Working on a common Vision Make it a goal. Read the Sermon on the Mount. We need a soft heart toward love and the will of God. It requires partnership and agreement. God's Spirit is in us, producing godly desires. Only strong people can come into true agreement. Consider gifts and calling. One person giving up usually causes the other person to reconsider. The husband is the coach. He tries to bring it together. The wife is the quarterback. She calls the signals. The only reason a person should interfere with what the other person is doing is if it harms the common vision. If you don't let the other person rule in their area, you steal their joy.

2/20/94 Initial reactions are not usually where we finish. Ask: "Who is this issue most important to?" How will this decision affect each person two years down the road?

Does God want this relationship? If "Yes" we come to God. The leader should initiate and facilitate the vision. When you get married, a new person is created. This new entity needs a vision. Headship should lead the family in these processes.

God is a team worker. Produce a team. God wouldn't change His mind if He didn't practice this. What if the wife is smarter that the husband? 50 per cent of the time, this is the case. Then pride has to be dealt with. Humility allows you to accept yourself without embarrassment. Use your sense of humor. The leader should lead the group in stewarding gifts. Only people who are hooked up to God can be humble. Statistically, Christians have a better chance of a good relationship than any other group.

Creativity: The common vision changes from time to time. The leader must lead in rightly evaluating each person's gifts. It takes humility. If the other person is smarter, you need to consider their opinion. Everyone thinks that they are right. This is not bad. It is bad to think that you can't be wrong. We must be aware that every decision we make could be wrong.

Consider optimum distance. Some people fear smothering while others fear abandonment. Optimum distance is how close you want to get physically on a regular basis. It can also mean how much you talk. The other person may need some space. The regular distance could represent love to one person or abandonment to another. The key to solving this problem is good will and compromise. Remember the "green beans" principle.

You can treat the other person's preference with honor or contempt. Remember that it is not a weakness. It is a preference. Honoring a preference is a gift that you give to each other. A gift brings someone pleasure. You give what they want, not what you want. Honoring, good will, and a sense of humor can get preferences out into the open, with minimal pain. The leader should humble himself first to give.

Common expectations prevent problems. We can achieve common expectations. It sounds like a lot of work but it is less work when you are in agreement. One person's need for security may be greater than another person's need. We must deal with expectations without starting a war. "I" messages should be used. Avoid reckless words.

The Holy Spirit doesn't bring a general feeling of guilt. He deals with specifics. He says, "You were unkind to him." not "You are an unkind person." Keep you sense of humor.

Matthew 18: 16 Words are established by two or three witnesses. James 3: 9-10