Humor

CHOICES

I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.

Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

Today I can feel sad that I don't have more money or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.

Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I am alive.

Today I can lament over all that my parents didn't give me when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.
Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate that thorns have roses.

Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.

Today I can complain because I have to go to school or eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.

Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can feel honored that the Lord has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul.

Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.

What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have!

Have a Great Day ... Unless you have other plans? Thanks Angel!

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking
about the authority they have over their wives, while the
third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of authority do you have over your
wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife
came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they
asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered,
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an
old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The
genie said "OK so you released me from the lamp, but
this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of
these wishes, So you can forget about three. You only get one wish."

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very
seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over there?"

The gene laughed a replied, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of
the Pacific? Think of how much concrete....How much steel!!!! No
think of another wish."

The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said,
"I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive.

So I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, To know why they are crying, To know what they want when they say 'nothing'...."

The gene replies "you want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

Thanks for making me laugh GCFL and farmboyae.

Wife 1.0 ~ Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker- night 10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Dear Sir- This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs.

System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Thanks Amy

Are computers Male or Female? (8 March 1999)

A man who had previously been a sailor, and was now an "academic"
was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her."
He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed.
To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.
The first was composed of women, and the second of men.

Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender.
They were asked to give reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred
to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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Thank you for making us laugh:The Laugh-Of-The-Day.com Staff
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