Nancy's Nightly Newsletter  #2

"I received a letter from a dear friend today and she was trying to deal with the 'new' person she has to become because of chronic illness. In it she asked me a question about herself..... ''In fact, had to have a crying jag to release some of the toxins poisoning my brain. The pain is gotten me worn down to a frazzle and I feel like a mad cow running around in circles looking for some relief. I'm sure you've been there and done it! But a question if you don't mind, Do you ever feel like there is a beast inside of you trying to destroy "YOU" the person you truely are? And you are using all your strentgh to fight it off, but the real you is losing, hard for me to explain it other than call it "THE BEAST". ''

"As usual, I thought about the question and tried to offer her some support and sent it off as quickly as I could. But then I really started thinking about it and some additional thoughts came to me that I would like to share with a special few of you. So as some of you have requested, here it is:

"About the ''BEAST''... If some of this makes no sense, bear in mind I am dealing with my own BEASTS too. The only advantage or disadvantage depending on how you look at it, is the simple fact I am older than a lot of you and therefore have had a little more time to deal with the BEASTS. So here are some of my jumbled thoughts on what I am referring to.

"What is this house that is me? I have a mind, a heart, and a soul. Now who is in the house that is me? It has Beasts and Beauties within.

1. "What is the real ''me'' inside? Well, that's a hard thing to answer. Just about the time I have it figured out, I discover another facet of myself that I didn't know I had or even necessarily want. Example: Six years ago when our first daughter started seeing the man who would eventually become her second husband (and her second child, Tyler's, father) I thought the ''mind'' in me didn't have any racial prejudices. Well the truth was I had no experience to even base that on. It was merely a learned thing that had ''head'' thoughts but no ''heart experience''. So when the fact of our daugher dating a black man hit us square in the face like that, my husband and I both had to figure out just how much prejudice we did or didn't have. We fought long and hard against them marrying mainly for the very reason that followed.....Tyler. I think it is the children that suffer from such marriages not the parents. But after they got married I made up my mind that no matter what color his skin was, he was now my son-in-law and I would treat him as such and we did. So a little of the ''me'' changed with this growth and I feel now it was change and growth for the better. I do see people of other races differently now. I try very hard to look past the differences and see the heart and soul within.

"2nd Example: Our second daughter studied and became an ordained Methodist minister. After about 5 years in the ministry, she left because she also announced she is a lesbian and since gays are still not allowed to occupy the pulpit in the Methodist doctrine, she chose to leave it rather than deny her choice. Well, I don't have to explain to any mother what that kind of a declaration from one of your own children does. Again I didn't think I had any prejudice towards gays, but in reality I just had no experience. Well, once again when it was in my face, I had to do a lot of soul searching and growing to come to terms with all of it. So one more time the inner ''me'' had to deal with something I really didn't want to deal with and the ''me'' was forever changed again.

"Both of these examples were Beasts of prejudice I had to deal with in terms of both mind and heart.

 

2. "If the ''me'' is to stay alive it has to change. That is an attitude I have developed over the years. The only way I can be alive is to constantly change. If I try to stay the same and hang on to what I like about me, they might as well bury me because change is what all life is about. How would we enjoy the spring flowers if they never faded and died and reseeded themselves for the next spring? If you plant a flower bulb, over the course of a few years the flower that blooms from that bulb will change ever so slightly from year to year. The other forces of Nature influence how that flower will pollinate and grow the next year. Sometimes that will be bigger and better blooms, but those Natural forces can also be detrimental to the next bloom. So we fertilize and water the plant and nurse it on to better growth. Well I think as human spirits we are much the same way. Sometimes when the Beasts change us into something unfamiliar and painful, we all have the capability to get nourishment and strength from our Maker and our fellow mankind. Sometimes we try to hang on so hard to what we were before the Beast changes started, we don't see the better part down the road. It may not be something we want, but..... do we really have enough knowledge to know what is best for us all the time? I know I don't and then I just have to have enough faith and trust that whatever comes out of a painful situation will eventually make me a stronger and better person.

"Now all that sounds great in theory, but I have to admit I have problems practicing that attitude all the time myself. But I am positive if I quit trying to accept the changes and dealing with whatever life seems to throw at me, I will then loose to the BEASTS.

3. "I also have discovered that I am guilty of hanging on to self images of myself that are not necessarily as good as I like to think I am. In my head I practice all those wonderful ideals of caring, helping, being kind, putting others first, and on and on. All those wonderful teachings we hear about as little children and pass on to our children. In my minds eye, I do those things, but when I am totally honest with myself, I am as guilty as the next person about being selfish, self-centered, self-serving, and being charitable for the wrong reasons. Those are the Beasts in all of us whether we have an illness or not. But when we are healthy I think we do a better job of fooling ourselves about how good we are. The Beast of physical illness causes us to review the inner self sometimes and if we're honest with ourselves, there's plenty of room for improvement. Now don't think I mean that disease is punishment because I don't, but it does cause us to take a closer look at ourselves and that's when some of the questions start.
4. "So does all this leave me wondering who I am? Yes. Is that all bad? No because I really do feel I have improved ''me'' either in spite of or because of disease. My body might be getting weaker, but I know my inner soul is getting stronger and I think I like it that way rather than the other way around. If we never have the Beasts in our lives how will we ever grow into the beautiful people God intended us to be? So every time a Beast comes into our lives I truly believe it is there for a reason. Physical or mental illnesses require us to deal directly with our beasts. Without out the bad, how can we ever change into something better. Our bodies may become frail but that does not mean our hearts and minds need to grow weak too. Most of the best qualities of our hearts are still there even if the Beast of disease has moved in. We simply have to find other ways to physically function in our world.

"Just because I can't walk very far now doesn't mean I can't brighten somebody else's life with a letter, a word or a phone call.

"Just becaue I have a lot of physical pain doesn't mean I can't give compassion to another who is in pain whether it is lesser or greater than my own.

"Just because I can't sew for hours on end anymore, doesn't mean I can't fix a zipper for an elderly neighbor who has trouble seeing.

"Just because I can't tolerate being outside in the severe heat, doesn't mean I can't walk a few feet to visit a neighbor who has little company and enjoys my visits.

"Just because I can't work in my garden as much as I would like to, doesn't mean I can't give or send some flowers to somebody else who needs their spirit brightened.

"Just because I have Beasts of greed and selfishness and self-pity, doesn't mean I can't turn those around and give to the truly poor and show compassion to someone who is being oppressed unfairly.

"Now that I have you throughly confused, I'll send this off and let you mull it over. Feel free to use any or none of it to help you grapple with these BEASTS. We all have our own beasts and it is a struggle sometimes to overcome them, but we must remember all things do eventually work for the good if our soul is in the right hands.

"Sent to you in love and warmth,
Nancy"