Irish On The Light Side
Meet My Leprechaun
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curios, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking. Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house. "Would you look at that Darby!" said one to another. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him. "Did ya see that Darby?" the digger asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. It's a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Darby look!" Said the first digger removing his cap, "One of the poor girls musta died."
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out," said the Irishman.
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee late one night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O'Grady's!" "That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O'Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!" Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that lived to be 145 years old!" "What was his name?" ask Paddy & Sean. Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, to Dublin!"
The biggest beer producers in the world meet for a conference, and at the end of the day, the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink together at a bar. The president of Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on down the list. Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, he orders tea! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they've stumbled on an embarrassing secret. "Naaaah," replies Guinness. "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I."
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going, Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. Brenda, may I come in? he asks. I've somethin' to tell ya. Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband? That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery... Oh, God no! cries Brenda. Please don't tell me... I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. How did it happen, Tim? It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned. Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly? Well, no Brenda... no. "No? Fact is, he got out three times to pee.
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, So what's bothering you, dear? She says, Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests? She says, That he did, Father... The priest says, What did he ask, Mary? She says, He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and ays, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl on home. When he arrives at the door he stands and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly, "So, you've been out drinking again?" "What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
ONE BORING AFTERNOON, Saddam Hussein was sitting in his bunker, wondering who to invade when his telephone rang. "Hallooa, Mr. Hussein," a heavily Irish accented voice says, " This is Paddy down in County Meath, Ireland. I am ringing to give ya' notice that we are officially declaring war on ya'!!!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments' calculation, "There's meself, me cousin, Sean, me next door neighbour, Gerry and the entire darts team from Dick Mac's pub - that makes 8 altogether." Saddam sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word". "Jaysus!" says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right then Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and John Murphy's tractor from the farm". Once more Saddam sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 16 thousand tanks, 2 thousand mine layers, 14 thousand armored cars, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke". "Faith n begorrah!" says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've fitted out Ted Bennie's crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit, and the local bridge team has joined us as well!" Once more Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, and 20 thousand MIG 109 high maneuverability attack planes, and my military complex is surrounded by laser guided surface-to-air missile sites. By the way, since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million". "Oh bollocks" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back". Sure enough, Paddy rings back yet again the very next day. "Right then, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm very sorry to hear that." Says Saddam, "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well, to tell you the truth, Mr. Hussien," says Paddy, "We've all had a fine chat, and, ya' know, there's just no way we can accomodate 2 million prisoners"."
An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years, they asked her to come home for a visit, because her father was getting frail and elderly.She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce, and she stepped out wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked into the house, her father remarked, "They seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." His daughter took his hands and said, "Dad, I've been meaning to tell you something for years, but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute." Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The family doctor and the priest were called, but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with his wife and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner. Killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!" "Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed. "I only wanted to have nice things and to be able to send you money. The only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute." Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute? I thought you had said Protestant!...
It is the TV Programme, "Who wants to be a millionaire?", and Paddy has got to the £1Million question. The presenter asks, " Paddy , which of the following birds does not build a nest...Blackbird, Robin, Cuckoo, Pheasant..?" Paddy thinks, and as he still has the call a friend option he asks to call up Murphy. Murphy tells him it is the cuckoo, so Paddy goes with him and of course, wins the £1 Million. later at a big party Paddy confronts Murphy and thanks him, and asks how he knew the answer. "To be sure Paddy, everyone knows Cuckoos live in clocks."
A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them taken aback. The picture depicts three very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; two have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis. As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it." The man says, "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have three African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a black penis." The Irish artist says, " Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."
The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're usingman was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using.
Pat and Mike took a job on a farm to eke out a meager existence. One day while pat was baling hay, he sees mike come running up yelling, "Pat, come quick! Seamus just fell into the manure pit up to his ankles!" Pat was not alarmed in the least. He asked Mike, "If he's only in up to his ankles, can't he just walk out?" "No," said Mike, running off again. "Grab a shovel, and hurry, he fell in head first!"
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, 'Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glesga, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!'. The others agree that sounds like a good place. Then the Italian says, 'Yeah, dat's a nice bar, but where I come from dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink.You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink.' Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Irishman says, 'You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere' dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your Forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey Take you in de back and get you laid!' 'Wow!' say the other two. 'That's fantastic! 'How often have you been there?' 'Well I havn't been' says the Irish guy, 'but it happened to me sister!'
It's 2012 and its the Olympics in London.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishmen want to get in but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a man hole cover. Tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Pocklington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks round and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm, "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing".
|
