Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill
- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden
ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end
of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place
cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
- Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head
vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
- Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly
while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
