On Being Divorced

The most difficult part of being a divorced father….

Speaking from heart, the most difficult part about being a divorced father is the knowledge that now that our mind and heart are open, the door to a happy marriage is closed. For all the anger that surfaced over those first "divorced" years, none was more prevalent than the loss of what could have been, what wasn't and what never will be. You have to focus on the latter and admit to yourself that there is no going back. The only direction is forward, and the only time is present. There is no mistaking the fact that a divorce is usually final.

Surely it sounds like a cry for pity, but it is not, it is a plea for understanding and compassion. No one can feel the pain more. No one can understand a loss they have never experienced.

One of the steps as a divorced father that you must learn is active listening. In some marriages the typical role may have seen the mother as the active listener with her usual high capacity for sensitivity. She would be on guard and in tune with the children's needs, able to acknowledge, support and encourage them. In a two-parent family the mother could better interpret the children to her husband, their father. Now alone you must be mother and father at the same time. It can be done, we have the heart to do it but not the practice and experience.

One other fact that one must accept is that children that grow up having been regularly hugged, touched and listened to, by mother and father, have been more happy and more successful in life than those who were not. This is the main focus for joint custody. Custody every second weekend does not promote this type of healthy nurturing of the children.

One more obstacle in this new family situation is that of creating bonding experiences. Trying to plan family time together takes some careful planning involving all family members. This becomes a feat when in a joint custody arrangement, since the family time with either of the parents infringes on the children's leisure, fun and friend time. But, alas careful and limited planning for major family time and some minor activities in between can be successful.

We must realise that the old myth, that father clothes and feeds the children and mother makes them feel loved, loses its meaning for those who are divorced. Both mother and father must redefine their roles and their lives to clothe, feed and love their children. It is easier for the father to walk away, as many do, but a clear challenge that God gives us to stay.