Tips Taken From Dean Hughson's Divorce Page

Steps Toward Recovery

Divorce is chaotic and painful and some of these links will be that way also. For me recovery begins when you decide to taking some positive steps to feel better. I urge you to take the following steps as soon as possible :

Number 1

Sleep as well as you can and as much as you can to give yourself a chance to recharge. For those who have forgot what it is, learn to sleep again.

Number 2

Eat healthy. Many people in divorce don't do well with food for a while or do the opposite: overeat! Eat healthy again

Number 3

Don't talk about divorce constantly at your office or place of employment. Use a support group which is more appropriate. Many people have lost their jobs due to it interfering with their job.

Number 4

Don't use alcohol or drugs, legal or not, to numb the pain. Talk to your doctor about your divorce but it is my and many other people's experience that going through this clear-headed is the best and quickest way to recover. Consider having a massage or going for a walk to relax. Exercise frequently. For many the process is much like experiencing a death-an excellent page with info was done by my on-line adopted (we're both 44, ha ha) brother Tom Golden on grief. Another good resource is David Baldwin's Trauma Page which sees divorce as the trauma it is.

Number 5

If you find yourself immobilized for too long seek help from a therapist or physician or on-line help via Usenet/web page sources. If you find yourself contemplating suicide read this help guide and seek help. Here is some info on one father, Allan Wells, who killed himself after a long term abusive relationship and bad treatment by the court

Number 6

Divorce is an economic issue. You need to know your lifestyle is going to be cut back. If you are a man with custody you stand a worse chance of getting child support. For women the following link shows how many people by percentage in your state are getting child support. Usually all parties suffer a cut back in lifestyle and income. Some have large problems in living with that and I suggest you find the local Consumer Credit Counseling Office to help you if economic problems occur. Another good resource is Debt Counselors of America , a not-for-profit organization that can give you on-line help also. Women should run, not walk, and buy Kathleen Miller's book "Far Share Divorce For Women".

Number 7

Get involved in helping others in divorce. Recovery comes quicker for those who help others. I have made some great friends via helping others and being helped at the same time. Don't complain about the system--change the system. Those who feel powerless aren't exerting the power they do have.

Number 8

A large part of the recovery is learning the reality of what you are going through and the recovery process. If you are reading this in the night and wondering what the law is in your state go to this amazing resource. In addition, here is a fantastic place to read law. Knowledge of law helps you with your questions to your attorney. If you need to find an attorney call your state bar and see if they do referrals.. You need to become a partner with your attorney to maximize your time/investment with them. Here is some advice on how to do best in the courtroom by attorney and former judge Linda Hack. Your attorney isn't a therapist or psychologist-they are good people to bounce ideas off of that you are working on during the divorce process and help you see if you are dealing with reality-they are experts on the law... find therapy/comfort elsewhere as well (a shrink costs $50-100/hr vs. your attorneys fees of $125-200/hr) as information sources. To help you with questions about divorce, children, recovery, stopping divorce, etc. run, don't walk, to a library or order some books. If it is possible consider mediation. Another incredible resource is the The Legal List.

Number 9

Kids need both parents. Whether you are male or female, be aware that significant things happen when kids are cut off from one parent. I agree with the Children's Rights Council: the best parent is both parents. How many children are affected by divorce? Take a look at this.

Number 10

Develop a sense of humor. There are going to be a lot of times when you can do nothing but laugh because the alternative is to cry and this isn't always a lasting solution. Tell you what--want to make a complaint against the person who hurt you. Here is a safe place to do it and nothing will happen except you'll laugh after you read its amazing way of stating it. Small things like this can help break the stress and sadness. Here is another site entitled Dumping Your Lover Electronically which makes me laugh even though it didn't sound so funny when I was dumped Even some young people understand divorce better than us old folks. Read Divorce and Fast Food which shows a lot of wisdom on the part of a young person.. Heck, I even find myself laughing at TV more. Somehow COURT TV will never be the same after the weirdness I saw in Courtroom B myself. Defuse the person who is trying to hurt you with humor... Boy, that will throw them off... I agree a lot of divorce, etc. isn't funny but sometimes it is. Try laughing when you find yourself in a situation where there is no simple solution and tell yourself "Well, is the world as I now know it going to be different from this action." Most times the answer is no... This is especially helpful when you get the copies of 'positioning' letters from your ex's attorney calling you a dangerous, mean, person... There isn't anything you can do but laugh... Anything else hurts. Learn to laugh at things like books like How To Date A Millionaire.

Number 11

When you have healed up a bit, find a new significant other. Love comes again and it feels good. Right now isn't probably a good time to be telling you this... Many people are saying "I will never marry again, never trust, etc.." but you will. It comes at different times for different people. You'll know when... Besides, one can just date and have fun also... be utterly honest with people and let them know you have been hurt before... People are generally kind and will be nice to you. Heck, you can even find your new love on-line. Phyllis Phlegar has written a book called Love Online and even gives advice about on-line relationships. Her page has links to online dating services. This is a pretty neat service... You can even list yourself on these services if you want. I met my wife through the fax machine and a friend who faxed me. It can work. Ben has done a good page on finding love again through writing effectivepersonal ads which I believe do work. Try it! (We just married off a friend that way.) Here is another incredible resource about love and finding it....I recently wrote an article about The Best Moves Are Close To The Worst.

Here is my list of suggested divorce books and magazines. Take a look at this on-line self-help magazine. Self-Help Psychology Magazine.

Number 12

Find an angel. One of the first 'angels' I met on the Internet helping people in divorce was Charlotte Hardwick. When someone needs support, she is there and I respect her words and deeds. She wrote a book WIN YOUR CHILD CUSTODY WAR which is an incredible work. Send an email to her or ask for info on how to get her book.

Another "angel" is John Winsor. Here is John Winsor's page for Dads, which has lots of good links.

Number 13

If you have kids spend as much time as you can with them. Realize when you are in the divorce negotiation that what court orders you get in the beginning are 99% of the time as much as you will ever get. I've assembled some resources on custody.

Find the help you need. You need to recover for your own happiness and to help other family members, like your kids, who are affected. Seek out groups for your kids if they appear to be needing more help than you can give. Some support groups are listed in this site, as well as some links on children and parenting.