It was January 20th, 1995. I was pregnant with my 4th treasure! I went for an ultrasound to confirm due date, etc. I was past that 'third' month and starting to feel great and 'safe'. (The ultrasounds always gave me an added piece of mind - seeing that heart beat and the baby move seemed to put me more at ease. All was well and that little heart was a beating right on key! The whole family came in to see our 'newest addition' to the family - even though to the girls (and somewhat ourselves - until pointed out we didn't know the toes from the elbows! lol!
After that day we all started getting excited, planning and preparing for the new baby that would be here at the beginning of June!
In February I had a real bad bout with my wisdom teeth and was in severe pain. I finally went to the dentist and had 2 removed. It took alot out of me and had been in so much pain, it was such a relief when they were gone and the pain too! In celebration my mother-in-law came over Valentines Day to babysit the kidlets so hubby and I could go for a nice dinner just the two of us - first and last time in long while!! We went to 'Red Lobster' and had a beautiful evening together. Laying in bed that night I thought how the baby wasn't kicking alot - and having been in so much pain I couldn't honestly recall if the baby had been very active the last few days or not so I was looking forward to my routine prenatal appointment the following day, that trusted 'doppler' would ease my mind.
The following day I went to the doctor's appointment. He came in and asked how everything was, the usual. I told him all was well. He asked "Baby moving alot" and I said "well actually not alot - that's why I'm glad to be here to hear the heartbeat". I got up on the table and he got the doppler out - he kept moving it around but had 'a look' on his face! He couldn't hear a heartbeat. I was beside myself!! He tried to reassure me that it could be the baby's position or any number of reasons - not to panic. He would set up an appointment at the hospital for an ultrasound as soon as possible. Needless to say that drive home was blur.
On February 16th we went up to the hospital for an ultrasound. The nurse came in and prepped me - she told me right off that she would scan me first but she wouldn't be able to tell me anything and that the radiologist would then come in, scan me and he would answer any questions I have. I laid there patiently until she was done, praying with everything in me. The radiologist then came in and said "Okay, I'm just going to take a look". Well, I waited, he said nothing at all, I remember looking at his cheeks to see if they went red - I knew if something was wrong it would not be easy for him to have to tell me. Finally I was able to get out "Well is the heart beating?" He shook his head very slowly, cleared his throat and said "No, it's not". I started shaking he said "I'm sorry" and then my hubby was brought in and he held me. I just kept saying "Why" and "I never thought this could happen to us". The look on the doctors face and his words would haunt me for a long time everytime I closed my eyes.
My only strength and what held me together that day was walking out of the room and seeing my two daughters come to me! I held on to them like never before and knew I had been blessed already and that I had to get through this for them!
An appointment was made at the hospital for Saturday February 18th to induce labour and actually birth the baby. I was a wreck til then - I was so full of different emotions, sadness, pain. loss but also the fact that I had a 'dead' baby in me was so unbelieveably hard to deal with. We arrived at the hospital and were taken up to the 5th floor - labour and delivery. We were given a room with a single rose on the door and were told what exactly was going to happen. We had decided we absolutely did not want to see the baby, didn't want to know what it was, etc. I just wanted to detach myself from the whole thing. I didn't want the pain, nothing. At 2:00pm they started inducing labour. Our nurse was Bev, what a wonderful lady - she was the next best thing to having my Mom there (Mom and Dad were watching over the girls and Darryl) She helped us so much, explained things to us, gave us literature to read for us and the other children. Mike was a rock, I'd never loved him more than I did at that time, he was there for me when I needed him most, even though he was going through his own grief. He never left my side.
The pain was so intense. They gave me two shots of Demerol, a relaxant and a shot of morphine. We were both able to sleep in spurts but the pain just wouldn't stop. The waiting was awful, the thoughts running through my mind hurt so bad, the radio was playing and the song "Tears In Heaven" played, a lady down the hall in labour screamed out and a few minutes later a baby cried, it was like a nightmare. I think what intensified the pain was knowing what the end was going to be - I knew this baby wasn't going to take a breath or cry, I knew this pain was not just a pre-cursor to THE most beautiful moment as is the birth of a child.
At 2:45pm Sunday I felt another contraction and pushed with everything in me! I could care less at that very moment what damage I did to myself. We buzzed for the nurse as we had been alone at that point and she came in. The baby, still in the sac was laying on the bed. The nurse cut the cord and took the baby out of the sac as we waited for the doctor to come and showed us the baby. My God, it was such a tiny little thing - but so perfect! Ten little toes, ten little fingers, wee little eyebrows a tiny perfect little angel. She looked just like a newborn but was purple. She was 23cm long (less than the length of an 8 x 10 piece of paper) and weighed 340gm.There looked to be a clot in the cord - the nurse thought it looked as though the cord had kinked and cut off her blood supply. The nurse took her and wrapped her in a blanket just as you would a newborn and placed her in my arms. My little Angel. Her arm was flat against her chest and kind of twisted. I picked it up, turned it the right way and laid it on her chest, five tiny little fingers. Her facial features were so defined so perfect! I know going into the hospital that I had said I didn't want to even see it - but it just happened so naturally - I cherish that moment and will forever.
We left the hospital Monday morning, without our baby. we were left to face the reality of it all. I remember wondering if it would ever stop hurting!
Mike
and I alone went to the cemetary for a graveside service. They carried
the tiny little white casket and laid it down. After the service they stepped
aside while Mike and I said our own goodbyes (for now) to our daughter,
Our
Little Angel.
The
pain has lessened and our house is filled with love, but there is always
a 'link' missing, I have my little 'box' of memories, a 'place' to go to
be closer to her, "Tears in Heaven" is no longer just a beautiful
song but almost like a message ("Mommy and Daddy, I'm okay now") to us
and our memory will never fade. Angel, you are always in our hearts.
