This is article two, in a series on the National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children. For the November article, please refer to the Archives. The second installment covers "Who are Homicide Survivors?" and "Common Reactions to Homicide."

When my son was murdered, I found that there were no support groups locally for Homicide Survivors. I had gotten a computer a couple of months after his death, so I decided to see if I could find any online support groups. The first one I found was POMC, Parents of Murdered Children. I left a message on their messageboard about his murder and almost immediately received a reply from one of the members. That began my association with this wonderful organization. Although there is not a local chapter for me, the online support is unwavering. A year and a half (almost) later, they are still there to help me or any others who need them. I joined their email support group and now I am helping other new survivors. Rather than try to describe all that they do in my own words, I'll let them tell you about their work. Because their work, research and training, are extensive to cover all aspects of surviving a homicide, this will be done in a series of articles.

National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children http://members.xoom.com/pomc/

The National Organization of Parents Of Murdered Children (POMC) is the only national helping organization which is specifically for the survivors of homicide victims and which follows up with supportive family services after the murder of a family member or friend. These services include: participation in a self-help group; crisis intervention; assistance with problematic cases; advocacy; and information and referrals. Also there are on-going activities such as a National Annual POMC Conference and in-depth therapeutic grief weekends. In addition, POMC provides specialized training for professionals who come in contact with survivors of homicide victims.

"Justice will only be achieved when those who are not injured by crime feel as indignant as those who are."

Who Are Survivors of Homicide Victims? "Survivors of Homicide Victims" is a phrase used to describe those individuals who had special ties of kinship with the person murdered, and who were therefore victimized not only by the loss of someone close but also by the horrific circumstances of that untimely death. Survivors are usually thought of as family members or close friends, but at times, the term may include people with seemingly more distant relationships such as neighbors, schoolmates, and members of the community at large. Murder and homicide are defined interchangeably in this Bulletin as the reckless or intentional taking of a human life by another individual. It includes those killed in drunk driving crashes, since driving while under the influence of drugs or alcohol is quite properly considered to be criminally reckless conduct. Issues influencing the legal definition of murder, such as the state of mind of the assailant, are not considered in this Bulletin except as they affect the survivors. Let it be said at the outset: nothing in life prepares survivors for the day when a loved one is murdered. Most people live with illusions of immortality both for themselves and the people they know, at least before they reach old age. Death of a younger person is always a shock to those who grieve, who may even be stunned by the expected death of an old, infirm relative. But murder involves more than death. For a majority of victims, it cuts short a healthy, young life, and for all victims, it is committed through an act of wanton human cruelty. The dimension of cruelty compounds the sense of sorrow and loss with acute feelings of injustice, distrust, and helplessness.

What Are Common Reactions to Homicide? The common response to any extraordinary trauma is crisis. The long-term effect of the crisis is influenced by a number of objective and subjective factors, such as: · the intensity of the event · the suddenness of the event · whether the event was anticipated · the ability to understand the event · our state of mind prior to the event It is clear that learning of a loved one's murder is intense, sudden, and virtually impossible to understand. Hence, most survivors face a long period of emotional struggle to reconstruct a devastated life.

Turmoil and Numbness Survivors report suffering an initial phase of shock and confusion. The shock at receiving the information of the murder is experienced both mentally and physically. Typically, the survivor feels unable to accept the news of the death and even less able to comprehend the murder. After a rush of sensory reactions which accompany the adrenaline response to the news, many survivors collapse into a state of stunned affect and physical exhaustion. But that paints too predictable a picture. In fact, the feelings aroused by the devastating news, and the way these show themselves in the survivor's behavior, vary considerably from one person to another, so that there is a wide range of normal responses in thinking, feeling, and behavior. All of the following are typical survivor reactions during the acute stages of crises: preoccupation with the survivor's personal loss; horror about the suffering that the murder victim may have suffered; a need to know every detail of the victim's death; attacks of panic; a fixation on maintaining a day-to-day routine; though this may be shattered at times by outbursts of intense emotion; restlessness and insomnia; an inability to concentrate; flashbacks to the memory of receiving the death notification or the memory of, or an imagined picture of, the crime itself; rage at the assailant; fear for one's own life or that of other loved ones; self-blame about something the survivor did or did not do to prevent the murder; hostility towards everyone who cannot bring the victim back to life; and utter hopelessness and helplessness. For many survivors, the strongest point of focus for their feelings is over the loss, and with this normal focal point of nearly all grieving, the normal mix of grieving emotions, including a guilt inducing sense of anger at the person who died, is present. For those who cannot imagine a life without that loved one, ideas of suicide are common. Most survivors can recall experiencing a range of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and not having much ability to control which of these will predominate at any given time. Hence the word "turmoil" is often used when recalling this period. "Turmoil" speaks to the horrible vividness of the experience. For many who are not ready to deal with a kaleidoscope of intense feelings, or who from time to time take an emotional retreat from those feelings, the word they often use to capture that state of mind is "numbness." Many survivors report that they cannot remember much about the first few weeks or months, or that they had lived in a cloud, or that they felt almost detached from their bodies, watching themselves struggle from a distance. For most survivors, the distress attributable to the murder itself is compounded by a number of other stressors.

Additional Stress Factors The first such stressor is the notification process itself. Many survivors remember that event as severely traumatic. Notification by telephone, notification with incomplete or, worse, inaccurate information, notification that takes place in public, or worse, through the media, all cause additional pain. In contrast, notifications performed by trained law enforcement officers, done in person and sometimes with the aid of a crisis counselor, are remembered by some survivors as events of powerful kindness amid the terrible pain. A second stress factor is the impact of other life changes. Despite the shock and numbness of the survivor, life around them does not end. If there is a divorce occurring in their family, or employment or economic problems, or illness, these stresses rarely go away for very long, and on the contrary, sometimes lead to extraordinary strife. Third, any violent death produces unwanted and untimely demands on the family. The survivors may be faced with the task of identifying the victim's body, making funeral arrangements, handling medical or ambulance bills, notifying other friends or family of the news, hosting friends or family in their home for the funeral, dealing with the media, and so on. These tasks can seem overwhelming in the midst of personal anguish. Fourth, death often necessitates a number of role changes for survivors. If a husband is murdered, his wife may have to take on roles he once had in child rearing. At times, a son is called upon to become "the man of the house." All children may find themselves parenting their own parents should the adults lose the ability to attend to household tasks. When children are murdered, their siblings may try to somehow fill in for the missing child, and if they fail to regain their parents' attention, they may conclude that they were far less loved than the murdered child. Fifth, death often causes financial stress, especially when the victim was the sole or primary source of income. Then there are medical and funeral expenses, and other costs of the crime for cleaning up the victim's home, for dealing with other acts of violence, for any attendant theft, for cooperating with, and even subsidizing in practical terms, the criminal justice follow-up, and so on. Obviously, these involve costs to the spirit as well as to the bank account. Sixth, many survivors find comfort in their religion, but even their religious community may react with misguided compassion. Statements such as "it was God's will," "your loved on is better off in heaven," or "God called him" often alienates survivors not only from the person speaking but from their own faith. Some survivors report that they are advised to "forgive the murderer" or "pray for his redemption." Such advice is not only infuriating but painful to hear. And seventh, the aftermath of murder is made more stressful than other types of death by some of the responses survivors receive from their families, friends, and neighbors. Murder is a hideously distasteful subject. People do not like to think it can happen and avoid acknowledging the event. They may try to blame the murder, at least in part, on the victim or the survivors. If they can somehow explain what was "wrong" with the victim or his or her family, they can sustain the illusion that murder could not happen to them or their loved ones. Relatives and friends of the survivors may urge them to "get on with their lives," "forget about the past," or "concentrate on the family they have left." There is a tendency to overlook the fact that all survivors grieve in different ways and process the grief over different lengths of time. Obviously, survivors never forget the murder or the victim. Less obvious to many, good memories of the victim's life are often comforting, and so "living in the past" can often be a healing thing. Conversely, focusing on the family members who survive the victim may not necessarily serve the healing process. It sometimes is a good, short-term coping mechanism (like working hard at the job), but it can be used as a substitute for "grief work" which is put off for longer and longer periods of time. One factor in these interfamily dealings is the discovery, reported by many survivors, that having other loving family members to turn to does not mean that they can serve as an emotional replacement for the murdered relative.

I would like to wish each of you a Holiday Season filled with Peace, Love and all Good Things. Until next time....

Karen
In Memory of Jamie and Ashley

To Learn more about "P.O.M.C.©",
The National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children, Inc.
please visit their site:
P.O.M.C.©