What Is A Batterer?

**The "batterer" will be referred to as "he", because ninety-five percent
of the time, the batterer / abuser is a man. **

There is no specific "look" to a batterer. He can be a rich man, a poor man, a doctor, a lawyer, an Indian chief, a teacher, a preacher, a mechanic, or the all American boy next door. Batterers are found in all religions, all ethnic groups, as well as in all levels of education. He can be just about anybody. The stereotype of the drunk, dirty, poorly-dressed batterer is just that: a misleading stereotype.

There are some behavioral traits which are common to the group of batterers. They are:

• He may have two personalities -- {Jekyll/Hyde }-- while in private, he is mean, abusive and violent with you.....in public, he is charming, calm and friendly. He is the consummate actor.
• He is jealous-- he will try to isolate and alienate you from your friends and family, so that you will only have him to rely on. He may make accusations that he knows are unfounded, just to put you on the defensive.
• He has abused before -- Chances are that he has physically and/or emotionally abused other women with whom he has been involved.
• He will tell you that you caused it -- He will blame the abuse on you. He will tell you "why" he is beating you. He will find a reason to beat you. It may be something as small as that you put mustard on his sandwich, and he wanted mayonnaise.
• He blames everyone, or everything, but himself -- He will not accept responsibility for his own actions, or for business failures, etc. It is always someone else's fault. He says that he is a victim of circumstances.
• He is verbally abusive -- He belittles his spouse or partner, constantly chipping away at her self-esteem. He usually has low self-esteem, and by criticizing her, he makes himself seem more worthy.
• He may have been abused as a child -- His family may have a history of abusive behavior. He may have been abused by a parent or some other authority figure when he was a child. Or, he may have even witnessed his own mother being abused by his father.
• He may have an addictive personality -- He may have had problems with substance abuse in the past, or he may be currently using drugs or alcohol to try to escape his problems. His abusive behavior becomes more severe and frequent when he is using illegal substances.
• He follows a cycle of battering -- The violence usually follows a predictable cycle, with the cycle usually having three distinct phases. First, there is the "building up" period. The batterer is stressed out, on edge, and allows tension to build up.Second, the batterer cannot control his anger, letting his temper explode. This is when the physical abuse occurs. The physical abuse varies in severity. It can be a push, a shove, a slap, grabbing an arm, twisting an arm, punching, causing a black eye, knocking teeth out, breaking bones.......Third, the making up, or calm stage. This is the phase in which the batterer appears sorry for what he has done, or he may act as if nothing at all has happened. He begs for forgiveness, or denies that he did anything wrong, when confronted. He may promise to get help, he may promise to never lose control again, or, he may even buy presents, to show his true remorse.
  

The sad truth is this: the batterer will, in most cases, repeat the cycle of abuse over and over again. The abuse often intensifies in frequency and severity.

There is hope, though. The cycle of abuse can be broken, but you can't do it alone. Get help! Please, if you, or someone you know, is in an abusive relationship, seek help before it is too late.

The information in this article was adapted from information gleaned from several internet resources on domestic violence, including the U.S. Department of Justice, Violence Against Women Office.

The links below can direct you to centers near you which provide assistance to domestic violence victims.

• National Domestic Violence Hotline
  Call: 1-800-799-SAFE
  TDD for the Hearing Impaired: 1-800-787-3224

• State Domestic Violence Coalitions

• Violence Against Women Office

Click on the oval above, to read Lauren's story.