as the Cure for Anger

By David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.

Anger

Anger can be one of the most destructive forces in any couple's relationship. It also can become one of the most constructive. All too often, I sit with couples who have wonderful times together. Things between these people are pure delight for days, weeks, even months. Then, in a matter of minutes, misapplied anger washes away all the delight. If the pain inflicted during an anger episode is great then the injured party is likely to spend a lot of time rehearsing the episode in their mind. Playing the episode over and over erodes the good memories quite rapidly. Because the damage from dangerous anger behaviors is usually extensive, it is imperative to halt those behaviors and learn constructive ways to deal with angry energy. In understanding anger it is important to note that there is anger, the emotion, and anger, the behaviors. Having only one term to describe two phenomenon, has weakened people's understanding of anger and their ability to change. Anger often has a negative connotation because people think only of the ineffective or terrifying anger behaviors. As an emotion anger is usually a secondary emotion, not a primary one. That is, another emotion occurs first. This first emotion usually occurs so quickly that it goes unnoticed and unspoken. Anger tends to emerge when people experience fear, hurt, or become intensely frustrated. In the face of these emotions humans are designed to become mobilized for action. Anger, the emotion, is the source of physiological arousal to deal with threat, injury or frustration. People under threat often exhibit great feats of strength or courage. For instance, there are numerous anecdotal stories of a parent who lifts a heavy object off their child who is pinned beneath it. This is anger in response to the hurt or fear involved in a threat to one's child. Since the behavior has no negative connotations (except for the parent's back) anger rarely gets credit for this feat. When the energy of anger rises people become mobilized. This energized state, in and of itself, is neutral. It is like gasoline before it is applied to some function. Gasoline can be applied to run great engines or used to create horrific firebombs. The fuel itself is neutral until someone decides how to apply it. The actions, or behaviors, which follow are what have tended to give anger a bad name. Frequently people's anger skills are limited to behaviors like yelling, hitting, throwing things, crying or pouting. Ironically, these behaviors have a time and place. If you were attacked in the park it is important to be able to scream out your anger as well as possibly hit, kick or scratch. The same would be true if your child or partner were being assaulted. But those same behaviors have no place being applied to your partner. In that context they will only be destructive. There is, in relationships, an especially ugly side to anger. Manipulation. Early in a relationship, one or both partners may have learned they can manipulate their partner through anger and anger behaviors. Anger in this fashion only leads to surrender not agreement. Surrender occurs between enemies, not friends, so this behavior is only the behavior of an enemy. To assess this in yourself you will need to become exceptionally honest. If you use anger in this fashion surrender it now or eventually you will have to surrender your relationship. Even if your partner stays there is neither team nor friendship. Further, if in your quest to manipulate, you have utilized hitting, pushing, shoving, blocking your partner's exit, etc. seek professional help immediately for you and your relationship. If you desire to change your anger behaviors and increase the repertoire of constructive choices you must start with a change in how you view anger. This is a shift in assumptions. Anger is not an out of control emotion. The view that "anger made me do it" is about as valid as the old Flip Wilson line "the devil made me do it". What a lousy excuse! An emotion, which occurred entirely inside you, wasn't you? How absurd! You are responsible for ALL of your anger behaviors. This doesn't mean that someone else or something else may not have contributed to your experiencing anger, the emotion. Usually it does come from events (threat, injury, etc.) whether they be present events or your past history (e.g. previous abuse). But in no way does the emotion lead automatically to the behaviors. For example, if you go dancing with your partner and become quite aroused you don't allow that emotion to lead you to make love on the ballroom floor. If you get a big job promotion or huge raise and you are elated you usually don't run up and down the halls at work screaming out your joy at the top of your lungs. Your anger doesn't have any more control over your behavior than those other emotions. When you accept that your anger behaviors are your choice and under your control, you have taken the first step to changing your entire anger experience. If you will take ownership over your anger behaviors you can proceed to the next suggestions. Within a relationship anger can be used as the energy and motivation to stay with a subject, to carry a discussion to completion. Usually people go in the opposite direction. Just when they have an almost limitless source of energy they disengage. Time out from interaction is a very useful tool if you are about to use destructive behaviors. Too often the only time people stay engaged is when they are headed toward destructive behaviors. At that point, by all means, disengage. One skill, which is quite useful, is for both partners to learn to oscillate between engagement and disengagement. Build the ability to have a rhythm that allows productive dialogue, blended with necessary breaks, followed by resuming the dialogue. Resuming the dialogue is critical. If you don't, it will resurface again later, whether you like it or not. Another skill that should be developed is the ability to stay topic focused. The anger needs to be directed toward the problem not the other person. The moment your anger turns toward your partner, he or she has little choice but to defend themselves. Remember, that anger emerges in the face of fear. You never want your partner to fear you. The moment your partner fears you, they begin a process of either being on guard or anticipating always having to surrender. Rebuilding trust after scaring or injuring your partner is a long and arduous task. A few good days won't do it. If you have frightened them repeatedly, then rebuilding their ability to trust you can take months or even years. It is important to note that yelling, throwing things or breaking things scares most people even if it wasn't directed at them. By staying topic focused anger inflicts no injury. Your partner doesn't wind up wounded or scared when they know your energy is only aimed at the problem or threat at hand. When you accomplish this without destructive or scary behaviors your partner can build confidence around your anger. Another important skill is to learn to be in the presence of anger without becoming angry yourself. Frequently people respond to anger with anger. The only time responding to anger with anger is positive is when you and your partner are allying against and dealing with an outside enemy. Otherwise you want to keep your focus on the topic, not their anger. Give them room to have and move with their energy rather than trying to sooth or placate it away. Follow their lead into the topic. Let them do most of the talking if they need to. Empathize whenever possible. Remind yourself this person is your friend and that you are on the same team. Keep your thoughts and vision on this. Do not berate your partner. Anger has, throughout history, accomplished great things. I believe that Martin Luther King and Ghandi were anger driven. Anger at political, racial and economic injustice fueled actions that changed nations. Rather than succumbing to destructive or violent behaviors these men developed plans of action, problem focused, and let their anger carry them through. Another example is the organization MADD, a group of people whose lives have been injured or who have lost loved ones to drunk drivers. Laws and attitudes have been changed based on the problem-focused use of their anger. You, too, can accomplish great things in your relationship when you learn to harness and direct your anger in constructive, non-manipulative ways. Confidence In our culture, self-esteem has become confused with our intrinsic value as a person. Innate value is not self-esteem. Many people have lost track of the connection between self-esteem and skill. I would argue that apart from skill there can be no self-esteem. If your child does poorly at a hobby, sport or game cheering them up by telling them they have other value or skills, or that the event didn't matter, does not build their self-esteem. If they did poorly, they did poorly. They know it and so do you. Lying to a person doesn't build self-esteem. Helping them learn to do better, if they are interested, will build self-esteem. This is not just the act of saying, "You'll do better next time". Unless they learn more skills, they won't do better next time. Likewise if you do poorly at something you need to self evaluate. First, are you truly interested in the activity. If not, then so what if you did poorly. If you are interested, it is time to develop a skill building plan using any and all tools available, from friends, to books, to videos, to teachers. As your skill grows so will your self-esteem. Skill sits at the heart of competency and competency sits at the heart of self-esteem. If you want to raise your self-esteem learn something. Experience yourself taking the time and discipline to master a new area or improve an old one. As your skill base broadens the breadth and strength of your self-image will too. There are a variety of skills that have become confused, in some people's minds, with traits. Being nice, kind, gentle, friendly, outgoing, optimistic, etc. are all skills. Yes skills! For instance, kindness is a collection of kind behaviors. If you consistently exhibit those behaviors you will be perceived, and perceive yourself, as kind. The same is true for all of the other so-called "traits". Traits, at best, only describe either our preferred natural style of relating or our better-learned areas. But things which "come naturally" can be changed. The notion "It's just who I am" is nonsense. Toilet training, which all of us lived through, is a great example. The notion of "It's just who I am, it's what is natural," didn't get you excused from changing certain behaviors. And if we expect 2, 3 and 4 year olds to change "who they are," then what possible excuse could you have as an adult. If you aren't nice, kind, gentle, etc. and those skills would be useful in your relationship then change. Confidence is the conscious awareness of what we can, and cannot, do. This is in addition to having skill. Some people have strong skills and very little confidence. Many people, and some studies would suggest women more than men, have a problem known as the "Counterfeit Syndrome". This is a condition where a person has the skill or competency but does not know or believe they possess it. Thus, they live forever afraid that someone will find out that they are, in their minds, a fraud. This distinct lack of self-awareness blocks the person's confidence. Confidence requires an honest self-assessment. Does the evidence say you do or do not have skill? Does the skill level you have achieved, meet your expectations? Are your expectations realistic? Are you willing to commit the time, energy and discipline to build your skills? If your expectation is to be "the best" at something give it up. In the entire world there is only one person who is actually "the best". If you want to be the best in your peer group perhaps you can. Your goals need to be in the context in which you live, and need to accurately assess your potential. These goals also should accurately reflect your willingness to work to achieve them. If you don't plan to work diligently, lower your expectation. The goals have to be realistic. If you are 5'8" tall you aren't likely to ever play professional basketball. What are your areas of interest or need? No one is skilled at everything. Figure out what you want and/or need to be skilled in and accept that. In the areas where you are less skilled, turn to others for help. Confidence should never be confused with 'bravado" or "bull shit". These are learned styles, skills you might say, that are used to hide a lack of skill or knowledge. These are the antithesis of confidence or certainty. There may be times you might choose to use them as a tool for a specific purpose, but in of themselves, these are not confidence. So don't go looking for them as anything but one more possible, and frankly quite limited, skill. If you want to build your confidence then start by assessing your strong and weak areas. Next evaluate what matters to you and what areas you want to develop. Then decide if you are actually willing to commit the time and energy necessary to improve. Finally, develop a skill building plan, utilizing every resource possible to advance your abilities. Certainty: The Cure Certainty! Certainty lives where skill and confidence intersect. People with certainty have a strong self-image. They know what they know and what they don't. They know what they can do and what they cannot do. When you meet someone who has certainty, you will see a person who others often follow. If you build into certainty others are likely to follow you. Certainty is a unique state, a frame of mind. Certainty is different from confidence. Confidence can occur in degrees. For example, we could have a little confidence, some confidence, a lot of confidence or a whole lot of confidence. Certainty is strictly an either/or. You have it or you don't. If you believe you have a little certainty then you don't. This state either exists or it doesn't. Certainty is always solution focused. It rises above anxiety, fear, hurt or whatever and strives for solutions. In the sense that certainty exists where skill and confidence intersect we would have to say that certainty is more than the sum of it's parts. As you practice the things identified earlier in this article you will become more and more skilled in dealing with, and using, anger. Your relationship will become stronger and stronger as you and your partner's confidence increase. Anger will stop being scary and start being resourceful. As you continue to build your skills and confidence you will find an almost magical moment occurs. In this moment you will suddenly know. Just that, you will know. You will know that whatever arises you will seek and find constructive, solution oriented outcomes. And you will know that every move, every behavior, will make sense. If there is any such thing as a cure, when you have certainty in the face of anger, you have it.

Click here for more (page index)