Funnies
You Might Be A
Redneck Race Fan
10. Your wife's nickname is "LUGNUT"
9. The word "Bank" makes you think of turn three at DAYTONA
8. You go to a STOCK CAR RACE and don't need a program
7. You ever voted for RICHARD PETTY for President
6. You know the back way to TALLEDEGA
5. You can change a tire FASTER than you can change a diaper
4. You hit the wall when EARNHARDT "hits the wall"
3. You've ever used the phrase "PUKED A MOTOR"
2. You think the last 4 words to the Natonal Anthem are
"GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINES"
1. You think the best way to ADVERTISE is on the HOOD OF A CAR
How To Handle Stress
1) Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2) Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.
3) Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4) When someone says "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans.
5) During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the phlegm back down your throat.
6) Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
7) Make a list of things you have already done.
8) Dance naked in front of the pets.
9) Put your toddler's clothes on backward and send him off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
10) Thumb through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
11) Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day.
12) Drive to work in reverse.
13) Read the dictionary backward and look for subliminal messages.
14) Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognizr it when it gets back to you.
15) Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.
16) Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
*"If you define summer as 3 months of bad sledding."
*"You think alkaline batteries were named for a Tiger outfielder."
*"You identify an Ohio accent."
*"Your idea of a seven course meal is a six pack and a bucket of smelt."
*"Owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your hometown."
*"You know how to play euchre."
*"The Big Mac is something you drive across."
*"You believe 'down south' refers to Toledo."
*"You bake with soda and drink pop."
*"Your Little League team has ever been snowed out."
*"The word 'Thumb' brings to mind a geographical rather than an anatomicalll definition."
*"You've ever experienced sunburn and frostbite in the same week."
*"Monday always follows 2 days of rain and snow>"
*"Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the first day of deer season."
*"Your snowmobile and fishing boat are Mopar Powered."
*"Your parents disown you for the week of the Michigan - Michigan State football game."
*"You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction."
*"Traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon."
*"The change in your pocket is half Canadian."
*"You point to the palm of your hand when explaining where you grew up."
*"You own only 3 spices - salt, pepper, and ketchup."
*"You design your Halloween costumes to fi over a snowsuit."
*"You have more miles on your snowblower than your car."
*"You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car."
*"You have 10 favorite recipes for venison jerky."
*"You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday."
*"You know which leaves make good toilet paper."
*"Home Depot on any Saturday is busier thatn the toy stores at Christmas."
*"Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow."
*"The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer."
*"Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body work-out."
*"The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus."
*"You drink "Vernors" and play "Euchre"
*"You laugh at 'da yoopers'."
*"You actually 'get' these jokes and tell them to all your Michigan friends!"
Only in America...
Only in America... can a homeless combat veteran
Only in America...can a pizza get to your
Only in America...are there handicap parking
Only in America...do drug stores make the
Only in America...do people order double
Only in America...do banks leave both doors
Only in America...do we leave cars worth
Only in America...do we use answering machines
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages
Only in America...do we use the word "politics"
Only in America...do they have drive up ATM's
live in a cardboard box, and a draft dodger
live in the White House...
house faster than an ambulance can...
places in front of a skating rink...
sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions...
cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke...
open and then chain the pens to the counter...
thousands of dollars in the driveway
and leave useless junk in the garage...
to screen calls and then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
of ten and buns in packages of eight...
to describe the process so well:
"Poli" in Latin meaning "many"
and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"...
with braille lettering!
The Doll House Sad, but True