December 1--Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2--Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3--Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4--Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5-- Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6-- Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7-- Debug latest version of Windows.
December 10-- Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11-- Lay Faberge egg.
December 12-- Take Cat apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13-- Bring out my collection of antique dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pirogi.
December 14-- Install plumbing in gingerbread house. :-)
December 15-- Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17-- Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19-- Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20-- Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21-- Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22-- Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23-- Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24-- Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25-- Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26-- Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27-- Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31-- New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight.
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